A
male
age
30-35,
*much4u
writes:Firstly i an 20 yrs old, i am a guy i am employed. lets just say if girls were to rate me on my physical appearance i would get a 7.6 out of 10. however it wasn't always like that. in my younger days i would have probably gotten a 5 out of 10. i had a really sweet friendly personality but girls never gave me a chance to really get close to them. this hurt my self esteem so bad that i vowed not to show too much interest in girls until i got much more attractive. year after year i got alot more handsome. Last year i started talking to girls more frequently but i still don't have a girlfriend. most of my other guy friends think it is a little weird and joked at it sometimes.the problem with me is that i have becomee over-picky. alot of girls get my number, trying to call me or text me but i just ignore them as if to intentionally turn them down. my friends find this strange. i don't know what you think but i think it is because of girls ignoring me when i was younger; so it is like a revenge thing. psychologically its like i just have a thing aginst women now. i don't hate them but its more like an annoyance that it's only now that i am cute and have a little cash that they are into me. i have trust issues with them. infact the only girls i trust are those much younger than i am (13-15) (maybe because i don't associate them with the girls in the age group who have turned me down in the past and are now [18-21]). i need help. unitl then i don't think i wiil have a girlfriend.i am truly sorry if this my post is too long.thanks in advance.
View related questions:
revenge, self esteem, talking to girls, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2011): I know how u feel , Men I used to date only think of sex ! even my x-bf , i really loved him , but he only called when he wanted to have sex , while he keeps his self busy all the time !!
Now , i'm single .. we broke up ,,
I guess I'll be single for like... forever !!
Maybe at age of 25-27 I'll think of having a family or children and I hope men will be much mature at that age !
I know its a bad thing to do .. to stay single 4 that long !
u know what .. try to find a girl that u want her in the first place , make the first move , so u would feel able to trust her .
I'm 18 yr - from Dubai - UAE
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (18 May 2011):
 Yepp. We were all dorks when we were teenagers, no need to get bitter about it or let it ruin our future love life. You are definitely not alone in not having had a love life as a teenager, and it is nothing to bother yourself with as that is part of being a teenager..! Now that you are a young adult you have the proper tools to have a real relationship and meet mature women, so don't stand in your own way.
...............................
A
male
reader, 3much4u +, writes (18 May 2011):
3much4u is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would really like to thank you all for the swift response. I would have been interested to get a man's response just to balance things out, but thanks anyway. the idea that i am getting is that i need to grow up from my young teenage thinking in order to help my self. i reaaly think this advice will stop me from being a "judgemental jerk"; i don't want that.thanks.
...............................
A
female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (18 May 2011):
 you are not hurting the girls that once rejected you, you are not hurting the ones that like you know coz they will just see you as a random guy in a bar or whatever that wouldn't take their call and they will soon forget you and move onto the next man. the only person you are hurting here is yourself - you always wanted a girlfriend but now you are depriving yourself of one. lots of us were less attractive when younger and also girls and boys are more shallow about looks when they are young so the sweet personality you had was not enough to get the girls, but we grow up and start to realise more about what REALLY matters.if your self esteem does feel very dented by your past experiences maybe counselling will help or even just talk it over with a really good friendx
...............................
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (18 May 2011):
 The fact that girls are attempting to connect with you tells me that you are already an attractive guy. And that you are in demand for a reason, because you possibly look hot. That is great for you.Yet you are pushing these girls away with your own actions. If the girls are really not ones you want to connect with then that is your choice. But some of the girls may have many good qualities that you have missed. You need to get over these trust issues because they will de-rail your future relationships and have girls starting to label you as a judgemental jerk, which I am sure you are not.Younger girls can be immature and hurtful, even some guys can be like this too. But as you grow in maturity people learn that they cannot 'know' a person really well until you really interact with them many times and listen to them and show them some empathy.It takes time to build trust before you can really say that you know a person completely and appreciate their good and not so good points, and yet still like them as well.Already you have possibly turned down some really nice girls.Have you even listed the character traits and qualities that you would appreciate in a partner? Can you treat girls as friends without thinking of them all as your potential 'girl friend'? If you list the character traits that would be important to you, in a girl friend then you are more likely to find such a girl. If you have not thought of who would best match you already then it is like approaching a supermarket with no thought whatsoever of what you might be able to buy in there, nor why. You could leave the store with products you do not need. And without products you do need. And while you make that list also make a list of your best character traits and a list of your less favorable character traits (the ones you need to work on, before you embark on a relationship with a girl.Because character traits and values and attitudes that will sabotage any relationship include:Being judgemental / being overly meanspirited / not listening to people properly/ assuming too much / being disrespectful towards others / being racist / being lazy and having poor hygeine. I am not asking you to trust that every girl who approaches you is going to be 'the one' for you. But at least know the sort of girl you are looking for and try to assess what you have to offer too. Your strengths, your weaknesses etc. Character lasts, looks do not. Once again I am not asking you to choose someone who looks horrible. Because I know you would not and should not have to. But all things being equal in looks, it is the girl with best character traits who will give you more long lasting satisfaction in all facets of the relationship.While you are waiting to date a really nice girl pay attention to developing your just friends relationships with your guy friends. Because girls do pay attention to the company a guy keeps. If a guy has no guy friends who he can maintain long time stable relationships with then that can be a warning flag that he has some issues. And most times girls like to avoid a guy with too many issues, as it can be too much hard work. And if a guy has absolutely no guy friends then that can also say that he may be difficult to be friends with. Having guy friends can be good. Guys have sisters and cousins. If you are a really good guy friend then he may be willing to introduce you to someone in his family who may be just perfect for you too.And while you are waiting for the girls you hope to make contact with you can also keep yourself busy with other activities that will also make you more interesting to the right girl. Such as volunteering in a program to assist a disadvantage group or to improve the local environment.Or work on your own self by reading up on books that promote self improvement of the mind. Or get out cycling, playing team sports or any other outdoor activity that feels like fun.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (17 May 2011):
I'm pretty sure the last time I checked women's tastes in men were as different as men's tastes in women. That means a 10 scale is ridiculous. To one woman you might be perfect, to another you're not. So stop it with the fixating on looks, it's a waste of you're time and an insult to everyone's intellect.
In your younger days you were a teenager. Teenagers rarely act adult. Now you're an adult, and voila, the world has changed. Don't get cocky and think it's because you're so hot or something. You might be, but that's irrelevant.
Girls were acting as teenagers when they were teenagers, and now they are adult and braver and willing to ask you out. Yet you're stuck in the head of a teenager and unwilling to grow up. Just because girls didn't throw themselves at you then doesn't mean you were unattractive. You were a teenager!!! Teenagers are in their essence not attractive to other teenage girls, or if they are it is mostly superficial and a popularity contest, not based on personality or actual looks. Teenagers are also in a growing phase, very few come out as adult the same way they were as teenagers.
This is silly. There is nothing to get revenge at. These girls contact you now because they are adult enough to make a move. Or would you rather have an airhead teenage girl who doesn't know what she wants in life, is probably crushing on her teacher, or is busy with other things in her life and doesn't want a relationship, or knows squat about herself or what love is about? Is that what you want? Because you can probably get that easy as pie. Funny thing is I hadn't even read that far in your post before I wrote this, and then I see you are attracted to jailbait.
But if you want a mature relationship you need to start acting mature yourself. Step one in this is to get it into your head that this isn't about your looks. This is about you "in your past" being a teenager. Teenagers don't get much luck in love. Get over it, that's the story of all of us. You're not a teenager any more, life is in general better for all of us once we grow out of that stage, and you are ready to MOVE ON. Please, for your own good, do so. Because I am willing to bet that this doesn't have anything to do with you (or your looks), but everything to do with people around you growing into adults. You're the one who's still stuck in high school.
Your post wasn't long by the way. Here's another word of advice: view people as a package deal. No one is either looks or personality, people are a package deal. The character of a person affects their looks, making them ugly or beautiful. Only a shallow person will focus solely on looks. A shallow relationship wont last long. Try to get to know one of these girls before you brush them off as someone who's only after your looks. Perhaps there's more depth to it than that. You not having any money is also a good indication that they're after you because they genuinely like you for who you are.
...............................
|
