A
female
age
51-59,
*at_player
writes:dear cupid,i'm in a bit of a dilemma, to say the least. i've been married for nearly 7 years though cant say it's been any kind of relationship apart from co parenting for at least 4 and i am terribly lonely and miss love in my life and my husband has become really cold and even bordering on emotionally abusive to me for a few years now... it's been a dire, loveless existance and my little son is the only joy i have now.i thought i had totally switched off romantically, for good, sort of died inside, but i found i was entirely wrong cos its back now with a vengeance, that desire...there's a man who goes to my gym and for a year we've exchanged those kind of lingering glances - normally its me catching him looking at me, and just recently we started chatting just before our class started. he makes a point of standing next to me, and started turning up to a class that he doesnt normally attend, that i do. also he's 'accidentally' run into me loads of times but he seems really shy but ever so sweet, some of the things he's said to me have been that kind of corny but endearing flattery type things like at the water fountain, where he accidentally ran into me again, 'beauty before braun'. or he says awkward things you say when you like someone.thing is, when he's around my heart beats super fast. i keep wishing it will go away but its a year now and its only gotten impossibly stronger. i have a huge urge to talk to him, but i end up snubbing him sometimes for fear of embarrassing myself or him or just looking stupid (after all, i wear my ring).i think about him too often to be healthy, and if we chat im elated for the entire day, then feel a despair as i wont see him for another few days, its mad really. i love the way he looks, the way he moves, the way he speaks, his body, everything about him really - we look like we go together - strange to say but true. and the mad thing is i barely know him and dont even bloody know his name yet.i watched his body language last time we talked, and he mimicked me. but he also gives off contradictory signals - once in a while he seems to sort of avoid me. it shifts, with both of us, really, silly i know. like two awkward kids.i want to approach him, but i havent the nerve, to just ask him if he likes me. but then im so worried about looking ridiculous. with mixed signals how can you tell?i dont remember ever feeling such chemistry with anyone in my life, and im 40. can this kind of chemistry be one sided?cupid, what do you reckon? am i just a sad old tart or is this mutual, and if so, whatever do i do?
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female
reader, Sweet-thing +, writes (23 August 2007):
 The way I see it is you really have two choices here. First you have to figure out if you even love your husband anymore. Because if so, then your first choice is to accept that he has mistrust issues over what he's learned about you recently. It might be that it has opened his eyes and helped him see that you were quickly slipping away from him. Many of us have spied on our lover's or husbands only to get caught red-handed, but that doesn't dismiss the trust issues that are left behind. If you love him, then accept that it's going to take some time to rebuild his trust and your relationship as a whole. Counseling will probably be your best bet. On the other hand, if you do not believe in your heart that you still love your husband, it would be wise to separate and see how you feel after a few months of living apart. Yes he will probably continue to follow your every move, even if you move out; watch your apartment, wonder who is coming over to see you etc. But after being on your own for a while, which you probably need to do in order to figure out what you want -- you may eventually find that you really do miss what you had with each other, and be able to repair the distance and damage done to your marriage by both of you. If not, then it might be time to consider a divorce and move on with your lives before things get really nasty between you. I wish you both the best.
A
female
reader, kat_player +, writes (18 August 2007):
kat_player is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell, my husband found my post as he's become a habitual spy. i think he's even hijacked this board and posted his own sad little tale, although i'm not interested in what he's saying as it will all be one sided self delusional fabrication making himself out to be victim. after all everything is my own fault, right N, like you've pointed out so many times?
today he opportunistically quoted something in reference to my original post - 'climbing mount everest,' - as if to boast about how he'd found it. he must have read this post recently as he's tried to suddenly, creepily, force our relationship into repair mode after years of doing the opposite. forces me to hug him sort of thing by standing in doorways, etc. altogether creepy, that. He also has accompanied me to my gym, and I get interrogated after I come home from a workout now. cheers, N. Not to mention trying to get me to drop my membership, my only escape from this. nothing even happened with this guy for the simple reason i dont conduct myself like a tart - now to my regret.
i can't even go to the toilet anymore without him checking on me. my posts are read, my phone records checked, he probably has a key logger on my comp, it's madness and i feel i have been taken hostage.
so N, if you're reading this, and you probably can't help yourself, congratulations, you're an official paranoid stalker. you had no business checking this site or my emails or anything else. I am not a child and despite your efforts to keep me isolated and at your mercy I refuse to be held captive. please get help, as your desperation and paranoia is getting me very very worried for my safety and our son's.
kat
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A
female
reader, Sweet-thing +, writes (26 June 2007):
I know what you are going through, been there myself. Part of me wants to just tell you to ask the guy out for coffee and at least make a new friend. But I know it won't stop there and from my own experience, I can tell you, it will feel wonderful at first. It'll be like a drug to your lagging self esteem - but like all junkies you will come down at some point and possibly feel worse in the long run with guilt, embarrassment, and the fear of being caught will haunt you. Plus you have a child, I did not. As for the guy at the gym, I have no idea what his real motive is. Maybe he's shy. Maybe he hasn't figured out your married, or he's hoping your marriage is on the rocks and you'll make the first move....or he could have other issues you won't uncover until after you become involved and wish you hadn't. I will not judge you if you truly want to have a fling. I know in some cases it can actually help a flailing marriage by boosting your self-esteem and helping you get back your "groove" it can also help you appreciate the man you married - especially if the guy your lusting after turns out to be a jerk. Just be safe and take it to the grave if you can. It's a journey others can't share with you. I wish you the best.
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A
female
reader, kat_player +, writes (26 June 2007):
kat_player is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks sweet thing for your reply. you're right, of course. i am quite embarrassed by this and now i feel pathetic. why does a man go after someone for a year anyway when up until just recently i havent flirted back. i dont get it. there's loads of women at the gym, most younger than myself and unattached. perhaps he has a thing for married women - the challenge of getting a married one or some conquest issue afterall he mentioned he was going to climb mount everest next year. if that's the case, makes him a bit of a wanker, doesn't it? me, i've been feeling really old lately, grey hairs coming in, wrinkles round the eyes getting more and more prominent, maybe im just desperate for validation, as you said. and really, really lonely. recipie for trouble. cheers
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (26 June 2007):
 Thumbs up for Sweet-thing. She said it all.
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A
female
reader, Sweet-thing +, writes (25 June 2007):
You my dear, have fallen prey to the attention of another man because your husband is no longer making you feel loved. You are emotionally starving to connect with someone because your husband is not treating you with the kind of loving and warmth you would expect in a marriage. The first thing I would do is talk to your spouse and tell him how you're feeling inside with his distance and his coldness. Perhaps he too is drowning in the task of child-rearing and is unaware how much he's neglecting you. It could be that you guys need to schedule at least one "date night" together each week, away from your child to re-kindle your love and passion for each other. Relationships take work. Sometimes you just have to re-focus your attention on each other, and think about the things that attracted you to your spouse in the first place. But you both have to be working at it together, it can't be one-sided otherwise it will eventually die. It seems easy to just start a new relationship, and all too many times, women like the idea of securing a new man to be with, before they let the old one go. But that is a messy process that can leave you both with trust issues and a general feeling of guilt. Maybe even counseling will be necessary to get your marriage back on track. You should at least give it your best shot first and then if it appears to be hopeless, file for divorce and ask the cute guy at your gym out for coffee. Good luck.
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