A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I fantasize about sleeping with other men when Im sleeping with my husband. It makes me sick just to type that. I really love him. We have dated on and off since highschool, and after a big break up in college he got really physical with multiple girls... (when he was apparently so in love with me, as everyone says)I did not find this out until three months into marriage and it devastated me. Although it was not cheating, it reminded me of when he did cheat back in high schoolI have been working through the pain and anger and its become easier since I've overcome the shock and disgust.I just sometimes feel like there either wouldnt have been a marriage if Id known, or that I would have had time to come to terms with it before choosing to settle down.Its hard cus, I knew he would never do cheat again, and he did that in a dark time when he believed no one would ever love him.... I am the one who told him no one could ever love him when I broke up with him before college(I was just so angry about the cheating and couldnt figure out why I was not enough)....It just was so hard to open my heart to him again, to trust him again and its just so dissapointing to think "theres my first love, my first kiss my first everything actually..." and to remember a time when we shared things with only each other.... And to actually have had that exclusivity (it was so romantic) and just to think that its gone.....I really thought I was making progress in letting this go, in not punishing someone for something he cant change but everytime I feel myself getting closer to him and wanting to go to that place where its just the two of us, I get scared, and I find myself putting someone (anyone) else there, mentally.I got really worried when I found myself putting one of my exces (the only other man I ever loved ) there.If I am so hurt that I would rather share that with that a***hole than my dear sweet husband, what is wrong with me? Does anyone else ever fantasize about other people? Gosh, if my hubby did too it I would be devastated... Guilty
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2012): The others are right OP it happens and is nothing to be ashamed of.
The only time it would really be a problem is if it was a specific other guy you were fantasizing about every time.
OP those other girls he slept with were probably rebounds. It's very common to still be deeply in love with someone but having lost them and to just get into sexual situations with others. It's very easy to end up doing that. It doesn't say he wasn't still in love with you.
Look the cheating thing to me would have been a dealbreaker because to me that can't happen, it's just a rule I wouldn't have gotten back with him after dumping him for that.
I think the reason you think of others is because of what you stated. Your mind doesn't want you to get into the position of 100% dedication to just him again because of what he did. It remembers the pain, it remembers the heartache and it can't help but feel there's a very real possibility of having to go through all that again, which there is. Dark times happen and they happen again and again throughout the course of a relationship. I just came out of a very dark time at the start of the year with illness and I was a nightmare to live with but my girlfriend dealt with it in an amazing way, with patience, dedication and support when I was almost non-existent as a partner. Through her actions, and I've returned the favour many times in the past, she's shown me that at our lowest we actually are drawn closer to each other. But your experience of it is that he turns to other women for comfort, that will take a hell of a long time to move past OP and it may be a case of never being able to move past that as there'll always be a niggling fear that when things are hard he'll close himself off or look elsewhere.
Look don#t feel down about thinking of others, it sounds like a protection mechanism and it will fade as your confidence and security is built back up in the relationship. It's just that you keep getting side-swiped by all these nasty little surprizes, who knows when the next will be?
Frankly it will take a long time and a few more struggles before you can settle down and think of it in the sense of only being you two. Your mind needs proof that you can cope with bad times positively and as a unit. Until your mind is satified that's the case it will fight you every step of the way in order to guard you from potential pain. Only when you're 99.99999% sure he's not going to hurt you again will it stop this and only when you reach the stage of full trust and being able to let go.
In the meantime do not be ashamed of it, if you could press a button and turn this off you would.
A
female
reader, person12345  +, writes (22 May 2012):
 Stop feeling guilty/stop punishing yourself. Most people (especially women) occasionally fantasize about other things during sex with a partner, it's normal.
I think you need to work on whether you want to make this work. It sounds like you're having trouble reconnecting with your husband after he cheated. I know it was a long time ago, but if you can't move on, you can't move on.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (22 May 2012):
 It's normal. Just like you can't control your dreams you can't always control your thoughts (specially during sex).
Look at him during sex, it tends to block out the other fantasies you might be having.
And stop beating yourself up.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 May 2012):
 stop being guilty... you are normal. truly...
most folks have fantasies about others even when married.
there are no thought police... you can't be punished or arrested for your thoughts... only your actions.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2012): Maybe this is a defense mechanism for you. He disappointed you and now you don't want to share emotional intimacy with him, ie, the fantasizing instead of focusing in him during sex. This happened to me with my ex. After a few years, I couldn't orgasm without the fantasizing! Continue to work on it and tell him how you feel. If you keep bottling it up, it will eat you up and rear it's ugly head in worse ways that just bringing it out in the open. Scream at him if you must. Just get it out, take a breather from sex, then once you rebuild the intimacy, go for a romantic getaway. It'll be like having sex again for the first time.
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