A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I need some real help. Here is a bit of background that might help whoever reads this give me better advice.I have been married 5 years but together for 10. We met in high school, went to college together, and are both have the same job right now. Overall everything was good. Obviously good/bad times but nothing major. He is kind and is a good husband and best friend. We have done everything together since we met and have not done anything apart really our entire relationship...like never spend any time apart, we don't have friends outside each other. I have made it known to him that I was lacking affection in our relationship and that is something that I had been longing for more of that never really happened.So with that info about us here is the situation. This past spring he broke my heart. He was sending messages to a very young lady (18) who both of us know. It wasn't overtly inappropriate (no nudes or anything vulgar) but not something a happily married man should do. Making comments about her looks, sense of humor, and using an endearing "pet" name. I knew immediately when it occurred and he lied about it multiple times in the span of a few days as we tried to work it out. It killed me and I was ready to leave but his sister urged us to try to just work it out. I agreed to give it the summer and urged him to really think about what he wanted because if he really wanted me he wouldn't have done that.This past summer we worked different jobs and for my job I had to live at the place so I only saw my husband 1-2 times a week. I was okay with that because I was upset. I worked with a small staff of people who all also lived on campus and one person I connected with immediately. For the record, I never entertained another man's interest before. People have flirted with me and I never reciprocated. But after spending weeks with this person and finding out the insane amount of things we had in common and how absolutely happy he made me I started to get very close with him. The feeling in my heart I still get when I think of him is unreal. I have never seen myself as a romantic person and my current marriage is the opposite of romantic but he did everything I had been asking my husband to do for me for years (but he did it without me asking). Everything he said, everything he did, the way he looked at me killed me. It stayed "friendly" for a long time but it got to the point where he made a physical move and it destroyed me because now that I know what it feels like to be so absolutely happy I have a hard time going about my normal day. When my summer job was over I told my husband about what happened and he forgave me. He understood some of it was precipitated by his previous actions, but I agreed it was taken too far. Normally I am a pretty cold and kind of grumpy person and the only thing that ever made me happy was my husband but now I honestly can't stop thinking about this other person, who has contacted me multiple times and expressed that he doesn't want anyone else. I have told him I am choosing to stay with my husband but he knows how he makes me feel and he can see it in my smile when I smile at him vs. my husband. I have cut it off and we haven't seriously talked in a few weeks (he sent me a message here and there but I just said I can't talk to you and left it at that). But I am constantly thinking about him past/future. Constantly comparing and I still get these warm feelings when I think about him. I don't really want to leave my husband but it hurts and I was living in ignorance before...and now I am just so confused. I need a way to forget or something to do to take my mind off it. Doing "romantic" things with my husband doesn't work because I do them and then either during it or after I think about how the other person would have done it differently. It isn't fair to my husband at all and I am really struggling through all this. I have a good handle on why it happened but it was the absolute wrong person to come into my life when I was weak and now I don't know what to do about it.
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male
reader, CMMP +, writes (26 September 2019):
It's easy to be incredibly into someone when it's strictly romantic. Most people start that way then slowly become miserable (or not). Part of marriage is working on your own relationship, the other part is resisting the urge you get when things aren't going well.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2019): I've been meaning to answer this question but have been too busy to sit and pen down and answer. I've taken time out specifically now just to answer this.
I've been in your shoes OP. I wasn't married but I was engaged. I rushed into it and was too proud to admit it wasn't working out. I also didn't think that there could be a plan B... I mean I had a huge fancy engagement and after that I got my boyfriend cheating on me... right after that. Then came the skeletons tumbling out of the cupboard one after the other... All his affairs, all the sordid details.. I couldn't believe this was happening to me. And yet I felt absolutely helpless and continued outwardly as though nothing was wrong because I thought I had no way out of this. I was on the verge of hitting rock bottom when I contemplated having an affair with a senior at work who was interested in me, just to get even with my boyfriend.
I think by that point my relationship has deteriorated enough and I knew that I couldn't make it work with him. It was just not right and I was not doing justice to myself by being with someone with whom there was no love, no respect, no trust left. I was basically living with a roommate who I couldn't stand the sight of.
Thankfully by the grace of God I got a job in another city and I moved out. I met much better people and eventually went on to meet the person I went on to marry.
What I am trying to tell you is that I don't think there is anything left in your marriage right now. I think you need to consider moving on from your husband and be alone for a little while. You got married way too fast and as things happen you gradually realised that he was not the right person for you. Shit happens. People think of a divorce as being this huge nuclear reaction but sometimes that doesn't really need to be a huge fight, a huge issue or a huge anything to trigger the divorce. Just the fact that you realise that you have moved on.
If you don't leave your husband then you will continue living in hell... Like I did. Close your eyes and think... Do you think this is the person you can grow old with? There's your answer.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2019): long term relationships get stale and boring and that's why people say marraige is work. you actually have to put in effort to remember why you fell in love with the person. Of course the new guy is exciting. Wasn't it like that when you first met your husband? But the excitment fades. ALWAYS. and you will always have to make some effort after that to keep things going. romantic feelings wax and wane. so when you say he's a good husband and your best friend, that to me is the foundation of a long lasting relatiosnhip. If you end this marraige my feeling is, you'll meet someone else (maybe the other guy, maybe someone new) and you'll have a few years of BIG feelings. and then, if you're compatible it'll settle down into something familiar like your current marraige. when that happens, will you bail again and keep seeking the high of infatuation? It's ok if that's what you want, but don't promise forever to people when you can only make it as far as the first hurdle.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2019): I have been in a similar situation, though I am not married to my boyfriend (we've only been together for four years).It's only now, 15 months after I last saw the other guy, that I feel like I'm finally getting over him. So if you really want to stay with your husband and get over your fling, understand that it might take a long time. You might still miss him a year from now, and it might still hurt. You just need to decide if it's worth pushing through that for the sake of your marriage.If you have definitely chosen your marriage, you need to tell this man that you cannot respond to him ever again - so that you can both move on. Every time you reply with "I can't talk to you", you're keeping the contact going longer, because you don't want to lose it altogether. Don't string him along; you need to do the right thing for both of you (not to mention your husband). Let him go.I found ways to stop myself thinking about this guy. At New Year I made myself a promise that I'd stop listening to a song he had sent me. Then I deleted his emails so I couldn't go back and reread them over and over. I'd try to go a month without searching for him online, and then two months. I took up knitting and crochet as a creative outlet, and spent more time outdoors. I talked with a counsellor. All these things really helped. These days, I still think of him often, but it's in a different way. I picture him happy and hope he's doing well and that he meets/has met someone else who will make him as happy as I am. I have good treasured memories of him and I am grateful that I still have my relationship after all this, which is stronger than ever. I feel things worked out as well as they possibly could have done.If you really want to save your marriage, you will need to be patient, but it could absolutely be worth it. Challenge yourself to begin moving on with concrete actions - and start by cutting contact for good. You can do it. Best of luck.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (24 September 2019):
 For me, the two significant bits of your post are not about the cheating (on either side) but when you say: "He is kind and is a good husband and best friend" and "I have made it known to him that I was lacking affection in our relationship and that is something that I had been longing for more of that never really happened". You don't sound like you are in a marriage but rather in a close friendship where you have both "settled" for each other because you were together a long time and it was probably expected that you would marry.
You two got together when you were very young (still children really). You have been together through some very formative years. When this happens, one of two things occur: you grow closer together or you grow apart. Yes, there are couples who get together in their teens and stay together for life. They are, however, the exception rather than the rule (and sometimes stay together for reasons other than love - children, guilt, a sense of duty, no other opportunities). I have witnessed many of the other type, ones who get to a point where they realize they are not happy, that their current relationship does not fulfill their needs and that they "could have done better". Sometimes the grass really IS greener elsewhere, sometimes it isn't. Sometimes, once they move on (I have seen this with two friends), they carry on moving and don't "settle" again. They wait until they find someone who is really special, who they really feel they can't live without.
I think you need to realize that your real problem here is your marriage, not the guy who opened your eyes to other possibilities. There will ALWAYS be other possibilities but what we do about them defines our morals. If you had said anywhere in your post that you love your husband and cannot imagine your life without him, then my answer would have been different. DO you love your husband? I mean, LIKE a husband, not a "best friend"? It doesn't sound like you do.
While cheating is NEVER the answer, sometimes it takes someone else to come along to make us realize we don't have to "settle" for what is no longer making us happy. You have told your husband you need for affection. It hasn't happened. I am not making excuses for you doing what you did - it is NEVER right - but sometimes it is almost inevitable.
You are at a crossroads in your life and you need to look ahead and see where you want to be 10 years, 20 years and more down the line. Do you want to stay married to your husband? Will you be happy? If not, then you need to end things properly and move on.
A cautionary word of advice re the other guy: I am sure, when you first started dating your husband, you felt similarly about him as you do about the new guy. Am I right? The excitement wears off. What it is replaced with is what matters. If it is true love, then all is right with the world. If not, something needs changing or fixing. Sort out what you want to do about your marriage, then what you need to do about the new guy will be obvious.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2019): If you're between 26-29, and you've been with your husband from dating to marriage a total of 10 years. The math makes you between 16-19 when you first met. You probably didn't date many other boys as a teenager; so you really haven't been exposed to many male personality-types. Anybody different from your husband is like experiencing a new exotic flavor of ice cream; or your first sip of a very expensive vintage of wine! Mind-blowing!
You and your husband have no friends, and you have no outside social-exposure; so now you're acting like teenagers just learning about dating. Typical of people who married too young; and when your immature-marriage hits a snag, you start dipping and dabbling with other folk outside the marriage. So cliche! Excruciatingly predictable! I already know the ending!
Okay, you've experienced a little "novelty" in meeting someone who wasn't your husband. If I've heard this line once, I've heard it a million times:
"with this person and finding out the insane amount of things we had in common..."
Which is 99.99% of telling you what you want to hear! The rest is sappy sweet-talk filtered through lust; and overactive hormones that make every move and every word said a taste of heaven! It's called temptation! It's a test of your trust, loyalty to your partner, the depth of your love, and the durability of your relationship. Challenges that come out of nowhere! They never stop, because marriage is about being committed to the love you've created together. It's not an archaic concept, my dear!
Don't try to con us with the excuse your husband did it first!
Next comes the comparison of how he's just everything you dream of, and everything your husband is not. That's only because he is different, new to your five senses; and you're bored with your marriage. There's nothing like a shiny new toy, a new puppy, or a new friend! You get goosebumps, the chills, and butterflies in your tummy! The sparkles wear-off, and everything loses its newness, sweetheart!
Reality-check, girlfriend! You're married! Summer-camp is over! He was just a summer-fling! A no-no, tit-for-tat, and another rusty-nail driven into your already shaky marriage.
Time to stop with the daydreaming and fantasizing! You're somebody's wife! The prior story about his puppy-love with a teenager was to soften the blow when you admitted you cheated yourself. Almost as if to justify what you did. So much for modern millennial-marriages, and the shuck-all-responsibility mindset! You don't start dating until after you divorce your husband!
"If it feels good do it!" "Wedding-vows are just pretty words!" "Two wrongs make a right!" "You're supposed to feel happy 24/7, and nothing is ever supposed to go wrong!" Welcome to adulthood, it just ain't like that!!!
THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS!!! Marriage is serious, not a game!
The thing about cheating is the intoxicating combination of "feel-good" brain-chemicals produced! High surges of dopamine, blazing hormones, and a kickass adrenaline-rush; that will create a euphoria like you wouldn't believe! Like an addictive-drug, you just want more and more to get that initial high! Then add the sauciness of vengeance, to season the whole soap opera soup; and now we have set the stage for extra-marital flings and a truckload of drama! Trust and faithfulness got thrown out the window!
You and your husband need to talk to each other. Seriously decide if you still love each other, or just staying together; because you don't know what else to do. Sooner or later, resentment will surface; and you're going to start having some really nasty fights. You're both too busy fawning over other people to really see how serious this is; it's either that, or you're both too seriously immature. Maybe all of the above!
You're not in-love, you're overcome with lust. He's all flustered over a kid! It's all because you two don't know how to fix the lull in your marriage. You both had better block all contact, and delete all messages from your perspective cheating-buddies; and seek some marriage counseling! Talk to each other about your needs and deficiencies! Start making your own friends of the same-sex; to distract yourselves from sniffing around for people to cheat with.
Oh, you know what to do about it! Honor your marriage, or end it!!!
Make a promise to each other to end the cheating. Get counseling to learn how to communicate with each other honestly. If that all fails, get yourself a divorce lawyer. Like so many modern marriages, they don't seem to mean much; and you trade people in, like an old used-car when you get tired of eachother.
Real-love, true-love, isn't that easy to give-up or messover! I hope someday you'll find it and treasure it! At DC we get these heartbreaking letters from people who feel they will never get married and have families of their own. While those who have it, trash it!
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