A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:We've been married for 17 years, and I thought I am the one and only in his life. He had recently started a new job that requires really long hours, he practically disappeared from my life and our son's life, it affected our relationship, but I never thought that he can be cheating until the day I asked him, and just like that he admitted it, he has been cheating and flirting for a long time. He apologized and showed regret, but for me it wasn't enough, I felt betrayed, I can't believe a word he says now. I don't want to be intimate with him, and he is upset about this. What should i do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2009): Here Here Gina you always speak the truth and from the heart,listen to what she has to say and take note,all advice is good and makes us think in ways we can't when waters are muddy and life is a little unclear,I agree that when things are wrong in a relationship cheating only makes it worse and I hope he has seen the error of his ways, he has a lot of proving to do to regain your trust and respect,All the best thinking off you. x
A
male
reader, previasc96  +, writes (23 March 2009):
He doesn't have the right to be upset! he shared his body with another woman! It'll take a long time for him to win your trust back. There needs to be a healing in your marriage. You probably need to get counciling. or both of you go to church and get your asses saved!
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A
female
reader, Ginalolabridga  + ♥, writes (23 March 2009):
 I can relate to what your going through i have been there too, you have ever right to feel as you do as far as being intimate i would do nothing till you both have had all your tests done and everything tells you that all is fine, that alone is horrific to go through if like me you never ever thought you would have to do this becasue you kept faithful to him is just horrendous, but something that has to be done i am afraid!
It is up to the both of you where you take this marriage if you feel you cant forgive him then it will take more than patience here cause the biggest thing to let go of the pain is to forgive, it took me over a yr and a half to forgive him even now i think about it off and on.
We were together much longer than yourself (30yrs) and we were not going to throw that away of course it is up to both of you if he is truly remorseful and showed you by actions and things he is doing to rectify this mistake then you will see he means what he says, it has to be constant though after all he put a lot of time and effort into these affairs he can do the same making this up to you now he treats you like a goddess now!
Sometimes affairs, cheating etc: is a wake up call that not all is well within a marriage find out the reasons why he cheated and rectify them, if the two of you drifted apart with him working away all the time i can understand that but i like you could never understand why they had to cheat.
It is a long road ahead of you and marriage counselling would help you both begin to address your problems and to work on them why dont you give it a try?
The trust takes time to come back i would say over a year to fully trust again use that time well though to note all the changes he is making to check that he is where he says he is, he calls you when he is going to be late and has a good reason for it, he allows you to check his phone and e-mails whenever you like no secrets now nothing, everything is out in the open and only then when he is TRANSPARENT will you learn to trust again, take care and i wish you both well.
Gina
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2009): Sorry to hear you are having a hard time.First i would like to say that i dont agree to ANYONE cheating as it hurts like hell.I can understand what you are going through,first of all it will take a while for you to belive anything he tells you but you must try if you want your marriage to come through this.It's also a normal reaction not to want to be intimate with him and if he is sorry for what he has done he should understand that it,s going to take time and lots of reasuring on his part,let him know how hurt you are but also how much you love him (if you still want to be with him)then start by giving him hugs,go out for a walk hold hands.You could cook a special meal.I know it not going to be easy but trust me if you want your marriage to work then you have to put the things he has done to the back of your mind,and in time things will get better for you if thats what you both want.Hope this helps take care and keep us posted x
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A
female
reader, wonderingcat +, writes (23 March 2009):
 When he confessed to have cheated on you, exactly what did he do? Did he have a sexual affair? [I am not saying that emotional affair is OK though]If he had sexual affairs, you have every right to withhold sex from him. At the very least, for health reasons (yes, you do need to get yourself checked for STDs/STIs -- then get your husband to go for a checkup too). If he has not had a sexual affair, you may still withhold sex from him, but you can do one other thing to regain your trust on him: have lunches and dinners at work with him. It does not always have to mean going out to a restaurant for lunch or dinner, but just that you bring in sandwiches or something from home to him. Do it at random times, so you will show up unexpectedly. If he is not there in the office, give him a call on his cell phone and let him know that you can wait for him for 30-60 mins until his meeting is over. And because you do it so nicely, he will have no reasons to be upset with you. But that is only possible if his work is still in the same town as you are. This way, you can "show" the people in his office that *you* are the wife. If at all possible for you too, ask him to take you with him on his out of town business trips. He gets per diem/allowance for business trips, so he can use that to pay for your ticket so you can accompany him from time to time. But, unless he suddenly behaves "out of character" when you do these random surprise visits with lunches or dinners, and request to accompany him on his business trips, then in time you should be able to reasess the situation and yourtrust on him.Good luck!Cat
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A
female
reader, ms.incredible +, writes (23 March 2009):
i know how u feel i have been there. it feels like you are going through hell. its horrible. the best advice is to go with your gut feeling. you are the only one who knows what is the right thing to do. your relationship is never going to be the same. he is simply going to have to live the consequences of his actions and be understanding.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (23 March 2009):
 Of course you can't believe a word he says, he has betrayed and disrespected you in the worst way possible. I don't blame you for not wanting sex with him at this point in time and he should be able to understand this as well. I think you both need to get tested just in case he picked up something during his carousing and then I think marriage counseling is in order. Your marriage may be savable but it will take effort on both you and your husband's part, especially his. Tell him to take cold showers until you are good and ready for sex. Best of luck honey.
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