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I don't want to be her second best friend!

Tagged as: Friends, Teenage, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 October 2015) 4 Answers - (Newest, 1 November 2015)
A female United Kingdom age 16-17, anonymous writes:

Hello, I have a problem and I really need some help. Basically I have this friend and she she's my best friend and were so close, like we see eachother whenever we can. We cuddle and kiss eachothers cheeks and stuff were so close. But the problem in she had this other best friend. She says we're equal but the other day she facetimed me and then the whole time she was FaceTiming the other girl and I asked her if she was but she said no and then later said she was. I get so jealous and she knows. While she was FaceTiming her she said to me "I was thinking about LA (we want to move to LA) and I don't think I can go. I promise *other friend* I would go with her so we can all go though". I just kind of shrugged it off but it's so upsetting. I don't want to stop being friends with her because I love her and I know she loves me too. I get so upset but when I talk to her she said there's nothing she can do and I know it's so selfish of me but I want to be her only best friend because that's how it should be. My friend and this other girl fight so much and every time she goes back to her even though she's so harsh to my friend.

I know this sounds so harsh but is there anything I can do to win over her friendship or anything. I know it sounds mean but I can't keep going on feeling like second best. Anyway thank you for reading and please reply ASAP.

View related questions: best friend, jealous

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A female reader, Tottochan India +, writes (1 November 2015):

From your question it seems like you are a very sweet girl.

Well you know what, I really appreciate your honesty in telling us exactly how you feel. I have to say it is something that I have felt as well. Not everyone we like will like us the same way, or even like us the same 'amount'.

But notice that I said 'like', not 'love'. You know, when you really love someone, whether your mother or uncle, or friend or boyfriend or husband - the thing is, love is simply love. There is no more or less.

So if you really love her, then you must understand that she must have the need to have other relationships too, and that should be fine with you. Because that can't change the love within you, can it? Whatever the other girl does with your friend is your friend and the other girl's business. Don't try and turn your friend against her because she will figure that out, and then not trust you to share her thoughts.

Let her be. You love her as your friend, so be the best friend that you can be. You know, even you will find other friends, that will share other interests with you. Because each person is in our life to teach us something. So there are friends of all types, some of which it's easier to share certain parts of our lives, and others which we share other things with. Everyone has their importance.

Best of luck.

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia + , writes (31 October 2015):

Aunty BimBim agony auntI have read your question several times, and left it, because it will be difficult to answer without seeming to be hurtful.

In this life, what we want, or don't want, and what we get are often two very different things. You want to be exclusive with your friend, and she doesn't, and because you get all jealous and sad you are making it difficult for her. If she gets to a point where she feels she has to chose between you and the other girl who do you think she is going to chose, the one who is easy to get along with and doesn't make demands, or the one who gets jealous and sad and wants to keep tabs on who she is talking to, and says that people can have only one best friend because that's the way it is!

Nahhh, people can have as many best friends as they want, there is no specific number set down anywhere, there are no rules on how many friends a person can, or can't have.

YOU need to widen YOUR circle of friends, get involved in some activities, you are creating a situation where you will not ever get what you want, not ever!

If you find you are unable to stop being fixated on being the ONLY best friend, you may need to talk to an adult you trust about this situation.

The negative feelings here are your negative feelings, and it is up to you to sort them out, if you cant do it by yourself then get an adult to help you.

And in the meantime, back off with the jealousy and demanding behaviour, I had somebody do this to me when I was already a young mum in my thirties, she demanded I chose being friends with her, or her cousin ...... I still talk to her cousin, she is a witty intelligent woman, but the jealous one I have not seen for years and year .... sort yourself out now or you will be the one who loses out!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2015):

Cool it off with this friend and actually start hanging around more with different people. This girl likes having you there and hanging on her every action and she's just playing you. A true friend wouldn't act so stupid.

You can still be friends, but just keep it in your mind that if she really was a best friend she would lie to you and she wouldn't make you feel second best. You both need friends other than each other, don't put all your effort onto her, so definitely start extended your circle of friends. Most of all, just be you. You shouldn't have to try hard to make someone like you, you should just be yourself.

If you do start hanging around with other people she might actually notice and ask to spend more time with you. Whilst you're trying to hang around with other friends just make sure you stay friendly with her, to avoid her starting any drama or thinking you're ignoring her. Honestly, having one best friend doesn't really happen in life because you end up knowing different people who all add different things to your life.

You should join a couple of clubs at school to make some new friends too, and give you a reason to not be with this 'best friend' because you're busy with other things. Once she sees she's not the centre of attention, she might grow up a bit!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2015):

Hey me again, I just wanted to add that my friend gets mad sometimes because I get really jealous easily and I get sad and she feels like she has to choose which isn't fair at all. So yeah if this changes anything thanks xx

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