A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi there. Thank you to all who respond to this question.I have a sister who is seven years younger than me and a brother some years older. I was very close to my brother growing up...from a military family...starting new school all the time...that kind of thing.My sister has always been a little jealous of the friendship my brother had in the years before she came on the scene.She has always courted my brothers favor and one of the ways I suspect she has done this is saying less than positive things about me. She will vouch it by saying she is "concerned' and my brother buys into it hook line and sinker. I would have expected him to see through it...he is a lawyer.It hit a low a few years ago when my sister and brother were in charge of my moms estate and did not pay taxes on my mothers income for two years. I had to pay them back my inheritance and they were able to appeal and I got the money back a couple of years later but I had nothing to do with this mistake and the demand was still made.The reason I feel bad today is that I am nothing that and any friends and particularly relatives I share with my sister are treating me differently. She is a skilled narcissist and I now know I can share nothing with her and even if I don't she can twist my words.I have sadly written my brother off as his wife is tight with my sister and guess I cant really have a relationship with my five year old niece.I was quite close with other relatives but after a visit from my sister..no response from them.I am a successful professional in a career I have had for thirty years...in a happy relationship...both my siblings divorced.I dont understand why my sister needs to make me look bad to elevate herself.I also think she gets a rush out of this and I am best to ignore it to not give her the satisfaction.Why is my sister doing this?Why would loyal( or so I thought) friends and family fall for this?Is it now necessary for me to write off friends and family who have fallen for this?Hope this is clear and thanks for help.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2020): Just a thank you to all who posted here. I am the poster of the question. These are all good answers...all made me think and all will help me to move forward.
I am good terms with my sister in some aspects. Although not super close we are in contact and visit when we can. I guess it is soon time to have a heart to heart....scary as that is. Thank you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2020): I think you've given your sister far too much power. I also think she is very much aware of how much she can upset you; and she does it by targeting everyone you hold dear. That is certainly how a narcissist operates. However, sometimes you may be attributing a lot to your sister that she has no real power over. Your paranoia and anxiety may be getting the better of you.
Have you ever sat with your brother to discuss what it is he has been told, and asked him why he would believe it? Have you ever come right-out and asked him why he would believe the worst about you, without even coming to you to determine if there is any truth to what he has been told?
My guess is, you haven't! You say they are treating you differently? That could all be imaginary. They are all getting older and time changes people. It sometimes brings families closer, and sometimes they drift apart. Such is life. Time has also changed you. Sometimes you may not know what others see in you. You may not notice what has changed about you, but they can see it clear as day!
If your sister is making her rounds poisoning the minds of all your relatives against you; then it follows that you have a bunch of weak-minded judgmental family-members willing to condemn you without giving you the benefit of the doubt. How talented of a leader she must be; to have such a powerful influence and power of persuasion over the minds of an entire family! With that kind of charisma, she should run for political office!
I would say there might be some jealousy running throughout your family; and they enjoy hearing gossip about you. That's on them. Your sister may gossip or slander you; but it's up to them whether they should believe it or not. How weak-minded is your family-collective, to accept blight against your character without even bothering to investigate? At least to determine if any of it is true. You're innocent until proven guilty. They just take her word for it? Then doesn't that say more about those willing to believe something awful about you, than the one spreading the gossip and slander? Why are they so quick to turn on you?
Why am I not surprised some matter concerning the estate of a deceased-relative comes-up? There is always a feud and dissension over family-inheritances! Fighting over property, personal-belongings, or valuables left behind by the deceased. People turn into monsters! The older they are, the worse they are!
They're like ugly vultures hovering over the carcass waiting to get a chunk of the carrion. They turn mean and accusatory. Spewing venom and accusations. Behaving like a den of greedy thieves fighting over their share of the plunder. Rather than coming together to comfort each other in bereavement.
You mentioned that you covered their butts when the taxes weren't paid; but you got the money back. That's over and done with. Did you find yourself forever reminding them of that?
Harboring any bitterness or resentment about it is partially the reason you're all still feuding.
If you spoke of it to others, and/or raised a big stink about it; don't wonder why they stabbed you in the back! You could have kept quiet and just between the three of you. You'll probably deny you said anything to anyone; but it may have only been a slip of the tongue. That's all it takes, and it spreads like wildfire. Everybody in the family knows within a few short hours! Therefore, to preserve their own family-standing and save-face; they will become allies, and spread evil gossip and bad-mouth you to cover their own sins. It's a counter-attack, because they have been shamed; and that also brings out the worst in people! If they did you wrong, and you made a public case of it; then expect some payback! You may have cried yourself to be the victim too loud! Once too many times!
Sibling-rivalry is cute when you're chubby-cheeked little kids. It's ridiculous among gray-haired mature-folk well past their 40's! Still fighting over the same childish-resentments you quarreled over when you were in grade school. Why can't you and your sister love each other, AND your brother? Your time on earth is running-out. You are wasting your years left. Have you ever visited a retirement-home, and observed those sad old grumpy-people with no visitors? Sitting around mumbling and complaining to invisible-people. Those with dementia, accusing the staff of stealing things they've lost or haven't had for decades! What's left of their minds, is full of bitterness and toxicity; and they can't even recognize people who do come to see them. Will that be you, your sister, and your brother someday?
Your sister is probably too hateful to change, and has it out for you. I'd venture to speculate, that while kids, you probably made it your business to make her feel left-out. Especially when it came to you and your "special-friendship" with your brother. Two older-siblings jealous of the new-baby; getting all the attention, and coddling from your parents. Receiving all the best toys and always being told how cute she is! Forcing you to be nice to her when you didn't want to!
Parents are usually more experienced; and in a better financial-standing down the line. The youngest get better stuff; and veteran-parents become more permissive in their thinking, being used to having kids. They make you show special-attention and inclusiveness towards "your baby-sister." That grows into resentment, from the older-siblings! Things were fine until she came along! Well, maybe now she is getting herself some payback! Especially from the older-sister! Older-sisters can be pretty mean! Especially when they're teenagers! Vicious! She never forgot, my dear! You may be reaping what you've sown!
Your brother may still be salvageable; but people in your "mature" stage of life tend to be very stubborn and proud. You don't extend an olive branch without a catch, or a hidden-agenda. You need somebody to admit they're wrong; or an apology said on hands and knees. That still may not earn full-forgiveness. If you don't know how to forgive; you can count on age...it's going to make you forget all the good things you want to remember, and recall just what you've held in resentment between you.
Go to your brother and talk it out. How do you know your sister told him bad things about you, if he's not speaking to you? Could it be he has changed and decided he resents you for his own reasons? You've never talked it out, you've just assumed a lot of things like most people do. Accusations and rumors flying left and right; but not once does anyone stop to take time to sit-down and just hash it out. Bring light into the darkness; and try to reconcile differences. Before you're so old and decrepit you can't see, hear, or speak to each other.
Have a reckoning with your nasty venomous-sister. Get it all off your chest. Tell her that you will bury the hatchet, forgive and forget all the rotten things she has said and done. You'll keep your distance it that maintains peace and harmony. You had better be absolutely sure you didn't imagine she was slandering you! You may have assumed she had, and paranoia took it from there. You may have reached a level of success and financial-security that has bred contempt and envy among your family-members. If you tend to flaunt your success, or behave a little haughty around everybody at family-gatherings; and maybe you like to brag about your kids too much! People start to dislike you on that premise alone. You better be totally certain it's all your sister's fault; and you're not to blame for some of it! Nobody is that vengeful without a reason! Be it a good-one, or a bad-one!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (12 May 2020):
 Your sister sounds like a damaged person, you yourself call her a skilled narcissist, and those people are VERY skilled at fooling others, lying convincingly, gaslight people, create havoc but seemingly not participate. In other words they "design" the drama and "enlist" other people to do her dirty work.
You talk about "loyal friends and family members" and I have to ask, WHY should they be MORE loyal to you than her? And again, if she IS a skilled narcissist, most people don't stand a chance. They won't know what happened until MUCH later and ONLY of they figure things out themselves.
So my advice? DON'T participate in ANY talks of your sister with family and friends. While you two are sort of "adversaries" - you also BOTH put other people in the middle and no one likes that. She might do it WAY more skillfully than you, so they notice when YOU do it and not when she does it. Which is why, I would avoid participating DISCUSSING her with family and friends. It will backfire.
AND she is your sister. As much as you resent her.
There are people we keep in out lives because we are related and it feels like you "HAVE" to, and then there are the ones we let go of over time.
You are BOTH grown women. You dig into this petty drama and play RIGHT in to her hands over and over. You want people to "take sides" (well, YOUR side) and that isn't really fair. No matter how much of a narcissist she is.
YES, you are better off ignoring any drama she starts. If someone brings up something she said or something she said YOU said, you can correct them but do it in a manner where you trivialize it. A "Oh did she say that? It's not quite what I said or meant.." but do it in a way where you show no anger towards her or them for believing her. Trust me, it will get old hat to get you to engage and fuel the drama with anger.
I'd say TRY not to (first of all) call her a narcissist, she might BE one but calling her that is seen as putting her down. That label helps NO ONE (but you). You know what she is like. They (friends and family) might see a very different version that you do, so they might think you are just putting her down or making her out the be the bad guy so YOU can avoid responsibility. Not that you ARE doing that, but she can definitely MAKE others think that you do.
Secondly, she isn't going to accept that label as she probably have no self-insight.
Arguing with a narcissist is pointless. Because they are NEVER wrong. (in their own minds) EVERYONE else is. So what's the point? Instead, I'd just say:" well, I don't agree with that" and move on to another subject.
Set limits to what you will do FOR them and with her. And maybe journaling can help you write down how you feel about dealing with her, minimizing long conversations is another, if you talk on the phone and she goes into whatever negativity, find and excuse and end the conversation.
Your brother may be a smart man but he also doesn't like drama or conflict. Maybe he talks to her now because he feels like he neglected her in his youth. And HE CAN be friends with her AND you. Again, AVOID talking about her when you hang out with him. It should be about the two of you. Positive things.
It might also be a consideration to find a therapist and talk this over with (that way your family isn't put on the spot to "pick sides") and you can gain more insight into how to deal with her.
You can't change her. But you can change how you react to her and her shenanigans. The smaller the reaction? The better. If any at all.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf +, writes (12 May 2020):
 Hi Op,
As you said, there is jealousy from your sister towards you. I have seen this happen many times due to, low self-esteem, insecurity, and the need for attention. The one common factor I have noticed regarding females, is a bad relationship with their father, or the father was not around at all.
The sibling then tries to get the attention of any older male...Brother, uncle, etc, to give them the attention they would have liked to have from the father figure.
You did not mention a father, just an older brother, so I assume he has take on the roll of father. Hence her desire to have his full attention. This is now the time for you to be your own woman. Not depending on any family members to provide emotional comfort towards you. Trust me, you will be better off for it.
There is a saying that is very true..."Your worst enemy will be members of your own family." I myself have lived that truth. Learn from all of this...So that when you have your own family, you will do your best not to recreate that toxic environment.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2020): The root of the problem is with your sister, try telling her how you feel and say you wish you guys were more close and explain how it hurts that things are this way. If you can fix your relationship with her the rest will follow. If she's toxic still after trying and they don't believe you it's there lost
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