A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my current husband for almost 6 years. I don't mind him watching porn, and I don't care if he masterbates, but cybersex, or even thinking about signing up, worries me. My friend found out her husband was doing it, and actually, she knew about it, and it was ok, until, she found on they had secret phone calls with each other. Texting too. One text showed that they plan to meet one day and make it reality. I don't know if that will ever happen, and if it does, I think I will be scared... very. I will feel unattractive, and very insecure. How can I handle this, and what should I expect? If it bothers me, shouldn't my partner understand and stop?
View related questions:
cybersex, insecure, porn, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2008): People who have sex with other people even if their partner thinks it is OK usually find that it is not. Relate says that 80% of relationship fail within two years when this starts.
If porn bothers you he ought to be able to adapt and compromise towards your feelings. His investment in you should be the greater, this is so obvious. You seem to think you are being held hostage to what he wants. You are not.
Be strong and make there be consequences for his behaviour. Cybersex is still cheating. This trend depresses the hell of out me. I just can not think that most men wouod be happy at knowing their partners were watching giant cocks or having cybersex with other men, or meeting them. What the heck is happening to relationships nowadays? It is sick that we are having to cope with this.
A
male
reader, Namatjira  +, writes (2 April 2008):
There is a difference between the fantasy that is most porn online and the emotional reality that forms with cybersex. Many men have difficulty separating the two but they are very different.
The fact that you do not object to his porn and the fantasies he has is pretty flexible on your part. But you do need to draw the line at cybersex as one of the big aspects of that is the "possibility" that it could become real. It is the slippery slope that leads to cheating in real life.
Clearly you need to discuss this with him but it would also help if you could understand several things. What does he get out of the porn? Are there aspects of the type of porn he views that is not in your sex life together? What does he think that cybersex will add to his life? Why does he feel you cannot provide that aspect of his sexual needs?
I do know a couple who went through a similar experience and ended up creating alternative emails each. They had their regular email addresses but also both created an alternative address that was raunchier by name. They then developed a cybersex relationship with each other where they accepted that no topic and no fantasy was off limits with each other and that they would never recriminate the other for what was said with these alter egos. As things developed they added some substance to their fantasies and even arranged to meet each other at different times and places in these alternative personas. For them it enabled a fulfilment of their sexual fantasies but still kept it all within their relationship. Their bond grew stronger and they gained greater understanding of each other. He still watched his porn while she rarely did, but they had a full on cyber relationship in parallel to their real life one. For them it worked.
I do not know what else to suggest at this point but encourage you and your husband to really communicate. Nothing can be properly sorted out otherwise.
All the best.
...............................
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (2 April 2008):
 You should be more affirmative and set out your limits and boundaries with him.
If you dislike him having cyber sex,
then you ought to discus with him and tell him your feelings.
If he respects you, he will not have cyber sex or he could
do it in secret without your knowledge.
Some men are too in it to consider your feelings.
He cannot stop himself because he thinks it is just virtual and not real.
It will be up to you to force this issue whether he thinks
it is not cheating but it affects you and your peace of mind.
If he loves you , he will stop .
You need to draw the line or he will become a virtual sex
addict and it becomes more difficult to handle.
...............................
A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (2 April 2008):
 Hi
Of course he should!
Cybersex is cheating. End of.
C xxxxx
...............................
|
