A
male
age
30-35,
*ustinvstheworld
writes:I need help. I have a girlfriend who, like me had a rough childhood, which has ultimately made us both kinda crazy.When we are happy, it is obvious we are in love, but when we are mad, you would think we have been married for 45 years. She cheated on me with a guy at her work because he got her high off marijuana. I forgave her once but now Im constantly worrying she will do it again even though she promises she wont. Ever since it happened we have argued so much, but we both still have really strong feelings for eachother. I dont know what to do. I want to be with her, but I dont know how to fix our problems.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 November 2012):
 "She cheated on me with a guy at her work because he got her high off marijuana.
Was that how she paid him? Seriously while use of pot will make you the three H "happy, horny and hungry" it won't cause you to cheat... you are fully well aware and in control of what's going on...
I personally don't buy the whole excuse thing
she was drunk.... so?
the devil made me do it (liar)
he got me high and took advantage of me... PLEASE...
Honey I grew up during the sexual revolution.;
There was no HIV, or AIDS or any STD that could not be cured with antibiotics... it was the case of "if you can't be with the one you love, love the one you are with"
AND YET I NEVER CHEATED. I'm all about the physical truly and there is NO EXCUSE EVER for cheating.
bad childhoods... yeah well I have ADHD with major impulse control issues, my father beat me as a child... my mother was a high school drop out till I was 12 years old...
STOP making excuses for bad behavior.
You don't trust her. Rightfully so. SHE LIED. SHE CHEATED. SHE CAN'T BE TRUSTED.
Unless you can truly forgive and forget ... (which you should not do to be honest) it will never be the same.
IF you forgive her... she may never cheat again (my dad had ONE event 25 years into his marriage, mom forgave him and they never had an issue but it was months of hard work to get back together) or she may do it again.
My advice: if you really want to try it again... give her one more chance if you can but do not forgive a second indiscretion.
she needs to do everything in her power to make you trust her again.
that means her life must be an open book for you...
you want to see her email, she should show it.
same with her phone messages and text messages.
she will have to answer to you 24/7 where she is and who she is with. YOU will have to police her... does that sound like a nice relationship? NOPE.... it's parental.
once trust is broken it's very very VERY hard to fix it.
much like the handle on a tea cup.. you can glue it back together but it's always got a crack and it's never as strong as it was before it was broken.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (26 November 2012):
 I agree with the other answers. Pot didn't MAKE her cheat. Just like being drunk isn't an excuse to cheat, or being dumb.
How do you fix it?
Well, first of all you lost your trust and faith in your GF. THAT is a given, when people cheat on you. Rebuilding it takes time and a lot of work, from BOTH of you.
Also I think you were a little "premature" in your forgiveness. You SAID you forgave but in reality you didn't, no matter how much you WANT to - saying I forgive - doesn't always means that you actually forgave it.
The reason you two fight a lot is because the loss of trust snowballed into a lack of respect, a loss of faith, and eventually a loss of love. You say you two have strong feeling for each other - and you might - but the thing is what you have strong feelings about is how it was in the past, the familiarity with each other BEFORE this happened - basically - what YOU are in love with is the "pre-cheating GF & relationship. NO MATTER what you do, you can't get that back.
And since she can't even own up to her actions I don't see how the two of you can work past this.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (26 November 2012):
 This reminds me of the woman who cheated because she was on the pill. The chemicals made her do it!!
The excuse above and the excuse your girlfriend are giving are the same, both full of crap and codswallop, but if you want to accept that excuse so be it, afterall it is your choice.
Rough childhoods do not automatically lead to crazy behaviour, but if you want to use that as an excuse that is your choice as well.
Sadly for your relationship it will continue to go around and round in circles until you both acknowledge your choice to accept a blantantly stupid excuse for her cheating has led to an environment full of mistrust, anger, lack of integrity, and a lack of respect (on both parts).
You both need to be truthful, tell her the excuse was crap and you don't accept it (because you don't really do you?) and once the truth has been acknowledged maybe you both can decide what to do about it and where to go from here.
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A
male
reader, bronzed adonis  +, writes (26 November 2012):
 Her excuse is a joke. She cheated on you because she wanted to. The best way of fixing your problem is to find a girl who wont cheat on you.
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (26 November 2012):
 Sorry hun, but this problem is not for YOU to fix it is for HER to fix.She has cheated on you - sorry but that is the bottom line - she can blame it on anything but the truth of the matter is SHE CHEATED!Since she is not showing ANY remorse over her actions and is not willing to admit to her indescretion, this in itself shows that there cannot be trust in this relationship. I wouldnt even suggest counselling because she wont admit to her cheating - so dont waste your time and money on that.It is not your fault she has cheated - it is wholly her fault so dont take the blame for anything! Yes there might be problems in the relationship but you didnt make her cheat - she did that all on her own.Re-assess your relationship - is this what you want? Are you prepared for more pain if she cheats again [and by her not admitting/no remorse for her actions - gives an indication that she will prob cheat again].You deserve better.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2012): "because he got her high off marijuana."
What a bullshit excuse. I mean even being drunk is a shit excuse but at least you can see how it happens more easily, marijuana is the opposite and it's far easier to control yourself on it and you don't lose your inhibitions on it.
Well you have good reason to worry Justin, her excuse doesn't wash at all, she didn't cheat because he got her stoned, she cheated because she wanted to shag him and didn't care what you thought of it. Not only that but is she still working with the guy she cheated on you with? One of the conditions of forgiveness should be no more contact with that guy.
Look rough childhood or not it sounds like you don't work well together at all. I had a rough childhood and have an outlook on life some may describe as "crazy" but that doesn't mean I work well with similar people. In fact I work really badly with such people and those kind of relationships were always too volatile.
First off you can't fix this when she hasn't even owned up or taken responsibility for this. She blamed marijuana instead and while you may think you've accepted that it seems your mind isn't as stupid as you'd like it to be. It takes time for trust to come back after something like this but it never, ever comes back when the cheater makes an excuse and blames something like alcohol or marijuana. She cheated with him because she want to fuck him, she did it because she didn't care about you in that moment she just wanted some cock. None of that has anything to do with marijuana and you're a fool if you believe it is.
All you have here is "strong feelings" and some kind of naive idea that you are meant to be with each other because you have similar backgrounds. Or maybe you think love is enough or some crap or maybe that this kind of arguing and stuff is something that everyone does. None of that is true.
Sorry but you can't fix your problems. She cheated and won't even admit that it wasn't some kind of marijuana fuelled accident and he's to blame. She willingly slept with this guy and cheated on you and until she admits that then you can never trust her again.
It's simple, it doesn't matter how badly you want to be with someone if it's just not working then you need to walk away. Your relationship as it stands is toxic, she cheats, you fight all the time and the unhappiness far outweighs any benefits. It's time to really consider whether this relationship is really going to work for you in the long term, time to think with your head and not just how much you want her but really think objectively and ask yourself can you live this way with a person who can hurt you so badly then blame someone/something else for what happened?
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