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age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Are these signs he doesn't love me... maybe hates me, actually... or is abusive perhaps? He lets his friends make sexually explicit jokes about me in front of other people, not defending me. When I say it hurts my feelings he says that's because I have no sense of humor.He doesn't apologize when he hurts me.He puts me down a lot. He calls me slow (I know he means this physically slow, like I walk to slow, etc. But maybe he means mentally slow too....)When we get into arguments he calls me stupid over and over, even in front of our child. When I ask him to stop he rolls his eyes.He critisizes me a lot. It feels like if something goes wrong it is my fault all the time. I feel like his servant. He sends me on errands all the time and I feel like I work full time at work, then work full time at home. I feel like his personal assistant. When I talk to him about things I'm working on, he often just says, "I don't care." I don't feel like I can share anything with him.I have reason to believe he discusses me behind my back with his friends in a negative way, and may be sexting or having an emotional affair or something with another girl.... but I don't want to snoop.On my end I feel like I am losing my trust in him. I feel used and picked on and I don't feel like I can share my feelings anymore. In fact, I don't even think he knows I have feelings any more.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (19 October 2011):
 You need to do what SVC suggested. A separation for you to get your head together, for your child because of the rotten role model his father is being, and for your husband to realize he will losing something very important in his life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI want to say thank you to everyone. Last night I came to a realization that I knew but I think I didn't want to acknowledge. It is advice I give people all the time. People can't be changed by other people unless they want to change.
This hit me like a ton of bricks out of nowhere. So, I need to do a great deal of reflection on this because it is disturbing. Why would a man want to change from being a good, respectable, and repsectful man to be being a douchbag? It isn't his friends fault. He was already a douchbag, the type of man my husband wouldn't have ever been friends with.
But... my husband must have wanted to be like this guy deep down. Maybe lesser jerks were not what he was looking for. He wanted to be a real, all around pig. And now that he found one to idolize, he's doing what was inside him all along....
This is very hard for me to understand, but now I must figure out what is next.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh and I told him straight up during that HE never appreciated those jokes either, and that HE would never make that kind of joke about someone's girlfriend or wife. At least HE wouldn't have done that before, and we've known each other for six years. So either for the past six years he's been doing an excellent job of hidding his true personality, or he's changed.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI've been working out. I started dressing nicer. I bought new lingerie. I have been working on making myself "pretty." I make sure I smile a lot and don't act depressed.
When the joke was made we had a big blow out. When he said I didn't have a sense of humor, I told him it had nothing to do with humor. It had everything to do with the fact that I respect myself and I don't appreciate those jokes. Because they are not funny. I said straight up that any girl that thinks it is funny to have a joke like that made with her as the focus, she has no self respect. He just said the argument was going no where and he would never agree with me, because I was taking it the wrong way. I lost a huge amount of respect for him right there.
When he was calling me stupid I just started yelling at him that I am not stupid and that he needs to stop talking to me that way. Then I stormed out.
I'm getting near the end of my heart. I have been abused and hurt my whole life by my peers and others. I can feel the cold setting in. I know these feelings. I have lots of trouble with abandonment and losing people because when I was a child my mother died and then when I was in my early twenties I lost a child. I've never been able to keep friends, they all turn out abusive, calling me names, putting me down. I thought I finally found something good.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 October 2011):
 So this is all new since his BRO-mance began?
Is it possible that a seperation would make him see what he will potentially lose?
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks JustHelpedAgain but you have it wrong.
I don't ignore my husband and give overly to our child. We give the same amount of energy to the child. I give tons of attention to my husband. We have very similar hobbies and interests. There are hobbies we are serparate in and we give each other space for those. Our child is five years old, he's not jealous of him at all. We are equally involved in raising him.
Days before he met this friend we were having teh best time ever in our relationship. Our communication was great. Our sex life was strong. We were having fun together.
Within days of him meeting this person this happened. It is literally like invasion of the body snatchers. Now he gets drunk every weekend (which we were not big drinkers,) with his friend and other women. They discuss women like they are meat (my husband was never like that.) And that includes me...
He talks to this friend all the time, constantly. He's also made a lot of female friends that I do not trust. He talks them online, and I don't know any of them. This has in turn made me not trust him. I have this strong intuition feeling that things are going on behind my back with these women, but I can't snoop. I am full of fear, and I don't trust him with these women due to his behavior.
I miss my husband. I miss the trust. I miss the respect. I miss feeling loved... like actually loved and not just tolerated....
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male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (18 October 2011):
Thanks for the extra info. I do recognise many of the characteristics of the impact of family life on a relationship. It sounds like both of you are currently going round the dark side of the moon with your relationship. I am sure your husband missed the companionship that you gave him, and underneath it is a kind of jealousy he feels because of the attention you now give your child, but you are probably too tired, and by now probably have no interest, in giving him his special attention. I think all fathers experience this. The man will seek company, often just someone to drink with, unfortunately your husband has found a low life and is try to turn himself into one. The man you met is still there, hes unhappy inside which makes him do this stuff. You let this go too far and need to pull him out of the hole he's making. A few things I suggest, you decide if and how it would work. You need to make space for your relationship, find childcare and go away with him for a weekend. Get your self confidence back, get healthy, join a gym, be proud of youself again (good for the sex appeal as well), and most importantly, draw the line. Because you love him you let him be verbally abusive. He has to stop this. Next time he does something don't fight or argue, just tell him hes hurting you and he has to stop, cry if you want, but leave the scene and give him time to think about what you said. Make sure he is sober (if he drinks).As mentioned before, currently he is making a very poor role model.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo, he wasn't like this. He was very good to me. We had arguments sometimes but he wasn't like this. He was always very respectful person. He always defended me. Even once his mom was mad and said something and he defended me against her. His mom and I are good friends now, and she always says to me "I know he loves you because he stands up to me," he loves his mom very much and always protecting her. So, it was a big deal.
We got into a relationship because he protected me from a guy who was talking bad about me, not anything like the joke that was said about me recently. He stood up for me. He said he loved me and I'm the most kind person, that I can't hurt anyone. He always used to tell me I'm so smart, the most intelligant woman he ever met. He said he loved how I know so many things but it made him nervous I would think he was dumb. But I told him I could never think he was dumb because he wasn't.
He is a great father. He is the father bear. He isn't jealous of our child at all, he loves our child more than his own life.
Then he met a douchbag, and for some reason fell "in love" with him. And respects him higher than anyone. This guy talks to his girlfriend and his daughter this way. And now my husband is this way toward me. He is blinded by this. I miss my husband. I don't know where he went. I don't know why he left me here. I see his face, but he's not there. I don't know what I did wrong to lose him to this person..... not a person... he's the devil. I don't believe in the devil, but now I believe in the devil.
I lay in bed and daydream about my husband, the real one, I imagine he comes home and just like when we were younger he banishes the evil in our house. But I don't know if he will ever come back for real. It's just a dream....
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female
reader, KittieS  +, writes (17 October 2011):
 I've read your post and additional comment. I was in a very very similar situation.Ask yourself this.Why do you love someone, who makes fun of you, hurts you, calls you stupid, calls you slow, makes sexually explicit jokes about you, who you dont trust? Who you can't talk too, who doesn't respect you or your feelings...Just ask yourself why? Ask yourself am I better than this? Do I deserve better than this? If my friend told me she was putting up with this what I would say to her?I promise you, you deserve way more than this person is giving you Abd all the time your "in" the relationship you might not see it, once your out yes it will hurt, yes it will feel like he deserves another chance, that he might change.They don't change, they don't treat you like you deserve maybe for awhile but it soon reverts back.Please, make the break - then you might be like me in a years time with a man who would do anything for me (except change my blooming light bulbs that I've asked him to do for two weeks) but he would never hurt me or talk to me in such a disgraceful manner. I put up with it for ten years, it almost killed me.Just really think about what you want in a relationship, imagine your perfect day in a perfect relationship - would it involve any of what you mention?I wish you luck please keep coming back and talking to people on the site
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (17 October 2011):
Wow did you inadvertently have "doormat" tattooed to your forehead? He is treating you like this because you are allowing him too. After telling him that your feelings are hurt and he basically ignores it, what do you do? Just let it go? You need to stand up for yourself and be willing to back it up. Tell him what you told us and if he refuses to see the need for him to change his abusive behavior then show him the door. You have a child who is absorbing all this bad behavior just like a sponge. Do it for your child.
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male
reader, JustHelpinAgain +, writes (17 October 2011):
You love him but he treats you like s**t. Was he always like this? If not, and he was once loving and caring then what happened? Well, you have a child that takes probably most of your time and attention. Men can show their jealousy just like a child. He gets mad with you and now you get mad back. You need to find a way to connect. Either you need to make it clear that he's hurting you and you don't deserve that, or you see if giving him more attention and show of affection defuses his agression.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your answer. :(
It is a very painful way to break up with someone.... I don't know what to do. I love him so much and want to spend my life with him, but I hurt so bad when he acts this way.
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male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (17 October 2011):
When I wanted to break up with my ex this was how I acted as well. I basically did things to have my own way and to try to put the blame on her to make it look like she wasn't trying enough. At the same time this has happened to me as well which would usually lead to a break up. The other person just does not show honest interest anymore. You have a child with him so I don't know how you can fix this.
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