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Christmas stress....

Tagged as: Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (17 October 2011) 3 Answers - (Newest, 17 October 2011)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Hello!

I'm worrying about Christmas....

I have been with my boyfriend for two years and have spend both Christmases away from each other, so we said last year we would spend xmas together in December 2011. We thought of some ways to be together like we have his parents and my mum over to our flat. But we re-thought that a few weeks ago because my mum doesnt want to spend xmas in our flat because its very small and only has two bedrooms, which i agree with it is too small. So my mum suggested we all go out for xmas dinner somewhere but my boyfriend doesnt want to do that he wants to be in a family home.

His parents, my boyf and me have been asked down to Devon for xmas as their other son lives there. My mum has said she thinks me and my boyf should be together for xmas so she has asked if he would like to spend xmas with us... (i would go down to Devon with my boyfriend, but my responsibility is my mum. She has no husband and no other children only me. So i need to be with my mum at Xmas. If she had a boyfriend i would be with my boyf)

I asked my boyf if he wanted to spend xmas with me and my mum but he said no, he wants to be with his parents....even though he said he wanted to be with me this year. I asked why and he said 'i havent seen them much this year so i think i should spend some time with them' so i suggested he stay with them one weekend to spend time with them and then be with me at xmas, but he said no. i suggested that we take turns....we do xmas at mine this year and then xmas at his the next but that was a no too. I dont know what to do? I want to be with him at xmas...I dont know if he feels guilty about not being with his parents even though they have each other and two other sons? I know if he does stay with me his parents will make little digs to make him feel guilty! I dont know what to do...

He said to me a few days ago.."we will be together next year" - but how do i know this he said that last year!!!!

Should i give him an ultimatum that if you would rather spend xmas with your parents maybe we arent going anywhere?

help!!!

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A female reader, Battista United Kingdom +, writes (17 October 2011):

I don't understand why it's ok for you to spend xmas with your mum, but if he wants to spend it with his family you are considering giving him an ultimatum? It seems a bit like double standards to me. After all, the fact that your mum doesn't have any other children or a husband isn't your bf's responsibility, and certainly should not take precedence over the fact that he wants to see his own family.

Cindy is right on the money. Christmas is about family. You should make your mum your priority, not your bf. If you explain to him that you have to spend the day with your mum, I'm sure he will understand. I take it from your post that you both live together? If that is the case then definitely make an effort to put family first; after all if you live together you get to see him all the time.

Just because your bf's parents have each other an another son, it doesn't mean they won't miss him, and vice versa. Have you considered that HE actually wants to see THEM, rather than just looking at it from the angle of simply having people around so they are not alone.

Do the adult thing and spend Xmas with your respective families. If you choose to issue an ultimatum you are basically making him choose you- a gf of 2 years- over his family, ie. parents and siblings. I know if someone did that to me then the choice would be VERY easy. Giving out these sort of ultimatums is selfish, and this "family or me" one shows you as very insecure. I don't know if that is true or not.

Look after your mum and make the most of spending time with her.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway +, writes (17 October 2011):

chigirl agony auntSo in other words your boyfriend isn't interested in spending Christmas with you unless YOU do the sacrificed and go to his parents place. Wow. How generous. And while you and your mom will be separated for any future Christmas should you want to spend it with your man, he sacrifices nothing at all. Swell. And what exactly does this tell you about the dynamics of this relationship? His way or the highway, pretty much.

Negotiate. Either he agrees to compromise, or you and him can't spend any Christmases together at all for the remaining years of your relationship. Going to his parents when he refuses to ever be at your mothers is just selfish of him, and will make any celebration as sour as a lemon.

Remind him that he told you you will spend Christmas together this year, and that he's not the one calling the shots in the relationship, it goes both ways. Either he compromises, meaning he will go to your moms this year and then you'll go to his parents next year, or you don't celebrate together, as far as I can see. Stand your ground.

I don't think your mom should be left alone for Christmas unless she's the type who doesn't mind it. And I wouldn't buy into it if your boyfriend says you'll be with his parents this year and your mother the next... because you know how great he is at keeping his promises. Next year around he'll refuse, again, most probably, and forget all about your sacrifices this year.

Spend Christmas apart. It's no biggie though. Christmases can be spent apart when you are young and do not have a family together, without that meaning the relationship is doomed or over. However the standard is to take turns and celebrate one year with his family and the next with your family. If he can't take turns then why should you give in when he doesn't? Don't be a pushover.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy +, writes (17 October 2011):

CindyCares agony auntI think you already posted about the issue, and I'll stand by my advice: no ultimatums and no tantrums. Xmas is a family day, for renewing and celebrating bonds of closeness with your family members first, .. and all other friends after, if and when it's is possible.

It's not Valentine's day , it's not all about YOU , and what YOU want as an individual, or even as half of a couple.

Same as you must, and want, spend Xmas with your Mum, he deserves the right ( and hopefully, the joy ) to spend it with his parents. It does not matter if they have other sons, and they won't be alone, it's not just a party whatsoever, that as long there's enough people , who cares WHO they are, one or the other is the same. At Xmas it's important that your bf can celebrate with his family.

So, unless your Mom is invited to tag along to Devon ( and why not, that would solve the situation ) , just spend Xmas each one with your own family, and reconnect on Boxing day. It won't be the end of the world! When YOU'll be married and have your own family and kids , then you'll have years and years to spend Xmas together.

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