A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:A while ago I posted about my husband's year long affair - which resulted in a pregancy. My husband and I stayed together and both commited to working on our marriage - and things have been going very well(although still ups and downs). It is about 9 months since I discovered the affair - and my husband has has little contact w the other woman since - and he tells me NO contact for the past 4 months (since he wrote her a letter explaining his feelings, commitment to me and our marriage and his wish not to be involved with her or her child).I am aware that this woman would occassionally use a hotmail account my husband had set up for ebay etc - thinking I didn;t know about it (back in my "detective days" - at the height of my anger and paranoia I saw some reference to an email she'd sent to that account). Although I have been doing really well I think - looking forward more and getting on with things mostly, I recently had a bit of a "relapse" which got me all paranoid again - so I logged into hubby's hotmail, not really expecting to find anything. There was a msg from the other woman - dated 9 july, which was unread. It told him the child was born, his name, that she and the baby are doing great, how much love she feels everyday...that was about it. I deleted it - and made sure it was "gone" from the account completely. I am feeling a bit guilty about a) accessing his account (although he knows I know the password etc) and b) deleting the msg without him knowing anything about it... or c) knowing some info that he doesn't...my hubby tells me he has not heard from the OW - and knows nothing about the baby, I think I believe that. The thing is - I don;t want her to be back in our lives, even on such a small level- and I know that reading even that tiny piece of information about the child will be enough to cause my husband emotional angst (it has stressed me out enough)...and we are working hard to be together and get through all this, I feel this could be a set back for "us". I also know that the OW is counting on playing on my husbands emotions - this 'simple' msg with no demands etc is designed to make him THINK of her and that child - to infiltrate his life again...I am sure of that. If she was truly going to leave us alone and get on with her life/raise that child - why write at all? I worry she is on the verge of "rearing her ugly head again"...can I stop it? thoughts??have I done the wrong thing?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Anon of 1st of August,
Yes of course that baby is innocent in all of this, I know that and it is something I have thought about ALOT believe me. It is difficult to know what would be better for that baby in all of this...there are various scenarios and all of them have their problems. It really isn't fair at all to that child....my husband and the skank really messed up!
I don't think my husband has really processed it all - I think he's in a lot of denial about the whole thing and has a huge amount of guilt and self loathing at the moment...I am encouraging him to talk to someone about all this but he is not interested. At this time I think he's trying to pretend it will all just go away...which I know won;t be the case. All I can do is try to support him and let him talk if he wants to. At the end of the day it will be him who makes a decision about whether he wants to have contact...if he chooses to we will hopefully be able to work out the best way for him to do that. I honestly do not know what to do about all this right now - we are kind of in limbo I guess until we know more about what the OW will do next!
Thanks for the comments! I'm sorry you have been through your own pain.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2008): Hi there
I feel for you,its not easy i know.but do you not think the child is inocent in all this and what about all the hurt and pain he/she will go through thinking that the father did not care or love them,at the end of the day it was the mistake of your husband and that other women not that poor baby.is there a way he could be in his child life without you or her being there,i understand it would be hard you seeing the baby having that constant reminder,i know i have been there and after two years im still in pain like it just happend yesterday.
good luck with what ever you chooses to do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi everyone,
Thanks for your thoughts on this - I think your responses just confirmed what I already knew deep down - that deleting this message was just putting my head in the sand again...that the baby is here, exits and that at some point my husband and I will have to deal with that fact!
I ended up telling my husband about the email and what I did. He wasn't angry - he said he understood why I wanted to get rid of it and why I would want to keep 'all that' out of our lives. We ended up having a good talk - and although neither of us know how we are going to deal with the whole baby situation - at least we agree that we will deal with it together, no more lies or deceipt etc.
Thanks again! I felt ALOT better having come clean!
To the male anon who had some questions of his own - I'll write a response via your question!
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2008): Is the woman married?Do you or your husband think he should be taking responsibility for the baby? (either money, or otherwise?)I'm a married man... had an affair... while going through the breaking up process, I screwed up, and she deceived me into getting pregnant... I know it was my fault... I'm not saying it wasn't... But now, a week ago, I had a son born, and I don't know what to do. He is mine, and even though what I did was wrong, I feel he needs a father. But I don't know what to do.Here's my question: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-do-i-tell-my-11-year-old.htmlI know I'm not answering your question, and I'm giving my own problem... but these are issues that your husband and I might have in common.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2008): OMG - cant believe you are living my life.I discovered my husband was having an affair 10 months ago. He left me in Nov 07 (whilst I was 4 months pregant with our third child). We reconciled in February this year, he had to tell me that she was pregnant with twins. He swore he did not want anything to do with her or them. Thats the only selfish way I would get back with him.Our son was born in April - until then life was amazing. We had had the odd email and texts from her, then he went all secretive again.His twin daughters were born 7 weeks prematurely - and he was by their side for 3 weeks.He now sees them up to 4 times a week at her home.I am so so hurt and upset, last night he left me, after i said some truly awful things.Its only today I realise how much I love him, how I want to work at accepting they play a part in his life. I fear I have gone too far and he will not return.I think the only thing you can do is be honest. Its the lies and with holding information that has killed me.You will get through it, but be prepared in case he wants to see the child. It hurts but if hes honest with you, your love will survive.I hope it works out for you and that you do not have a life of upset like i feel i am going to experience. x
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female
reader, atlanta--x  +, writes (20 July 2008):
When there is a baby involved it isn't fair on the baby for it to be denied a father. If your husband truly loved you then he wouldn't let his emotions for the child get in the way of his love for you.
Keeping information about your husbands baby isn't going to help your marriage i think it would be wise for you to tell your husband as soon as possible what you know about the baby and let him make up his own mind about what he wants to do.
Hope you take my advise into consideration
Atlanta--x
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (20 July 2008):
 Hi, whew, what a terribly difficult situation you find yourself in. Is this the other question you posted when you found out about his affair and the baby?
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-husband-had-an-affair-which-resulted-in.html
Look, I have to say that I think you did do the wrong thing. Not that you didn't have some justification for being angry and wanting to protect your marriage and your own child. But this child of his and the OW is now in the world, and isn't going to be as easy to ignore as just hitting the 'delete' button. Your husband does have a right to know about this, and a responsibility to the child, if not to the OW at this point.
Did you two ever get couples counselling following this revelation? If the thread I posted above is about you, then it sounds like you never did, and are trying to work through things on your own. I think that you really do need to consider it now; you're obviously still conflicted and angry about this whole situation, and with very good reason. But being angry and hiding the child from your husband is not really going to solve the problem. Eventually, the truth will come out, and you will look like a vindictive wife. A wife with very good reason to protect her family, one who made a mistake in the moment of great anger, but eventually, this is going to come to light. Both the fact that the baby has been born and that you tried to hide it from your husband. This ugly thing is going to rear its head at some point, and you have only delayed things and compounded the problem for yourself.
I really do think that you need to seek counselling now, as this is going to continue to be a bumpy ride for you, and you could use some guidance from a trained therapist.
Take care, and sorry I couldn't be more positive about what you did with the email message.
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