A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:To make a long story short, I had a 3 year affair. When we were breaking up, my girlfriend knew it was happening, and went off her birth control to trick me into making her pregnant. It was out right deception, as I specifically asked her if she was still on the pill. Anyway, my baby son has now been born, and my wife and I don't know how to tell our only-child daughter that she now has a baby brother... She and I are very very close, and I'm frightened what the news might do to her. My baby's mother is a single parent, and while I am angry with what she did, I believe he needs a father. My daughter could find out now, or she'll likely find out when she's older...either way, I don't know how she'll handle the news. Please don't judge.. I already know it was wrong... but it's happened now. The little boy exists and we don't know how to handle this. Yes it's very hard on my wife, but how will it be for our daughter?She has been wanting a sibling for years, but not this way!
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2009): HI, I wrote an answer a while ago - my husband was the guy with a similar situation - I am just wondering if you ended up telling your little girl about the new baby - and if so, hpw she coped? Have you had contact with the baby - with your family?
A
female
reader, LF  +, writes (23 April 2009):
Hi
Boy I guess this happens more often than I thought. I am the other spouse in a similar situation. My husband and I have been married for almost 20 years and he had an affair while working out of town. The result....a baby boy! I was devastated and it has taken a lot to keep our marriage together. We have a three children from our marriage and we raised my son together. Our three oldest know about the affair and child, but our 10 year old doesn't know. It has been over a year since he was born and my husband saw him regularly until he was 3 months old. I could no longer deal with him going to visit the child alone after I read a text message from the mom that ended with I love you. Now we are going to court to request joint custody. He is paying child support to the county as she is unemployed and receiving aid. So now or soon, we have to tell our son that he has a baby brother. He loves his dad very much and I am very worried about how he is gonna react. Our older sons all had very different reactions. From sadness to acceptance to anger. Our youngest is very close to me and I pray he can work through this with his dad and not resent the child if joint custody is granted. Our older boys at this point don't want anything to do with the child. A feeling I hope will change when he becomes a part of their lives. It can go one way or the other, they will accept him or resent him for what his parents did. I wish you luck, but I do believe you should tell her, before she hears about it from somebody else.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2008): Like someone said, are you sure the boy's yours? If so, tell your daughter as soon as possible. Lierin is right when she says not to tell her that it's an affair because I don't think she's old enough to understand that. Tell her she has a baby brother, but her mom isn't his mom. You know? Keep it simple.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2008): Hi - this is the woman whose husband has a few things in common with you.
Our situation sounds very similar.
No, the other woman is not married, she was divorced recently (had seperated from her much older husband just prior to meeting my husband). My husband says the affair started as "a bit of fun, selfish indulgence that both of them felt they needed and deserved...they had some sort of connection over feeling seperate from the world/loss of their mothers etc). My husband says that she quickly became emotionally involved and he felt a sense of guilt and obligation - and like he couldn't end it from relatively early on. He tells me that through the course of the year long affair, that he tried to end it several times, that he talked with her about how it must end, how it felt wrong etc...he says she would say "don;t do this to me", "you're all I have"...etc etc. There were several periods where he did not see her for weeks on end.
My husband and I (and 3 mth old baby) went on a month long holiday last July (I didn't find out about the affair til Nov) - he had told her he wanted to spend quality time with me and our family. He says he had been distancing himself from the OW for a while before then - and she knew that.
When we got back - he went to see her to 'end it' - and somehow ended up in bed with her...that was it, the next time he heard from her it was to tell him she was pregnant! He believes it was deliberate but like you, knows it was his responsiblity too.
Interestingly, this woman is the child of a similar situation - her mother raised her alone when the MM she fell pregnant to stayed with his wife and wanted nothing to do with either of them. My husband has speculated that she entered the affair with a subconscious desire to "win" - to get the ending her mother never got...who knows? When she realised my hus wasn't planning to leave me and the baby she obviously thought it was just because of the baby...so decided she'd give a baby too. She is about 35 too - and was desperate for a child I'm told.
She used the baby as a pawn - saying she'd abort it if my hus agreed to leave me and have a child w her when it would 'look better'. She also said she didn;t expect anything from my hus, that she was happy to be preg and raise the baby alone. When my hus wasn't involved with her during the preg she changed her tune, accusing him of abandoning her and of heartlessness - how could he be so dis-interested in his own child? The guy at the coffee cart at work was more interested according to her.
My hus does not feel like this baby's father - yes, biolgically he is fairly sure it is his child, but he did not plan the pregnancy or want it, he had no say in any of what went on and he does not want a continued r'ship with the OW. At this point in time he tells me he does not want any contact with the child - he feels it would be best if the baby never knew of him or how he was conceived. That is beyond our control tho - we don;t know what the OW will tell the child. My hus has said that IF the OW wants him to have contact with the baby he will have shared custody and the baby will come and get to know me, our child and our extended families. If she won'to agree that - then he won;t have any contact...he says he will not lead a seperate life anymore - and will not have a seperate r;ship with her and the baby. We accept that he will be financially responsible and he will pay if she asks for that - at this stage she hasn't asked for anything, but it is very early days - child on a couple of months old.
As far as telling our child - he is a baby himself so we have some time - but at this point in time we both hope we never have to tell him, this may be unrealistic - we know that. We don't know what the OW plans to do/tell her child - so until we know more about that we are up in the air. But - my husband tells me he is feels OK about not being involved, he feels the OW will find a new man sooner rather than later and hopes that person will take on a father role in the true sense.
Some people on here will surely disagree with all this - but this is how we are handling it at the moment - things may change.
As for your situation - I certainly can offer no advice, as we have our own mess we don;t know how to deal with. I honestly do not know what is the best way to go - there will be pain either way. If you feel strongly about being involved withou your new son - then you really will need to tell your daughter. In my opinion you should do it the way we will if it comes down to it - have your son get to know your wife, your daughter, your family...have him with you part of the time. I would advise against continuing a "seperate" relationship with him and the OW...that just continues the deceipt and affair.
Your daughter will understand all this in time...even if you tell her something now she will figure out what you did (affair) when she's old enough...kids are smart. They put things together years later - trust me, I know from experience. So - tell her as much 'truth' as you can - and tell her it was a mistake and that your sorry etc.
Good luck - none of this is easy for any of you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2008): Are you sure you're the daddy? It might make a difference if you're not biodad and have no bond with this unfortunate child.
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A
female
reader, LIERIN +, writes (24 July 2008):
 HI
My father was married before he met my mom and had two girls w that woman. Than he met my mom, got divorced, married my mom and had me and my brother. We didnt know we had another 2 sisters somewhere around, no one told us. Than one day these two girls ( I must of been probably around the age of 8) start showing up in our house (they were in their teens already). I thought they are just friends or cousins. Than one day we were talking and one of then said to my dad
"Ok Dady!" ... I got so upset. I didnt understand why did she call him dad. I start yelling at her, that he is my dad not hers! They were trying to tell me, they are my sisters, but I was hurt, because they were keeping it from me for so long ...
It took me another 10 years to actually understand and get over the fact that I have another 2 siblings. Now we are like best friends.
I think you should tell her as soon as possible.
How?
Just tell her the truth. Dont tellher it was an affair, because that would make her not trust you anymore, cause if you cold cheat on your wife and her mother, you can cheat and lie to her too! Tell her, that there is someone ... tell her she can maybe meet him one day .. etc. But you should tell her, because she will find out someday, and it maigh be too late ... she will hate you for years for not telling her, like I hated my father for lying to me too
good luck
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A
female
reader, LIERIN +, writes (24 July 2008):
HI My father was married before he met my mom and had two girls w that woman. Than he met my mom, got divorced, married my mom and had me and my brother. We didnt know we had another 2 sisters somewhere around, no one told us. Than one day these two girls ( I must of been probably around the age of 8) start showing up in our house (they were in their teens already). I thought they are just friends or cousins. Than one day we were talking and one of then said to my dad"Ok Dady!" ... I got so upset. I didnt understand why did she call him dad. I start yelling at her, that he is my dad not hers! They were trying to tell me, they are my sisters, but I was hurt, because they were keeping it from me for so long ...It took me another 10 years to actually understand and get over the fact that I have another 2 siblings. Now we are like best friends. I think you should tell her as soon as possible.How?Just tell her the truth. Dont tell her it was an affair, because that would make her not trust you anymore, cause if you could cheat on your wife and her mother, you can cheat and lie to her too! Tell her, that there is someone ... tell her she can maybe meet him one day .. etc. But you should tell her, because she will find out someday, and it maigh be too late ... she will hate you for years for not telling her, like I hated my father for lying to me toogood luck
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