A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:This is complex - and difficult to write about succinctly...I'll give it a go! My husband had a year long affair. He tells me he tried to "end it" many times prior to me finding out - but felt guilty and like he owed the OW something. To make matters worse the OW fell pregnant with his child (something both my husband and I feel was not an accident). She is 35yrs old and says she has always wanted a child (biological clock ticking etc) - she told him she would keep the baby and raise it on her own with no expectations from him at all- this was unless he left me and then she would agree to an abortion and they would have a child together when it would "look better". My husband says he never intended to seperate from me.My husband has asked for a second chance and we are both trying to heal and move forward. However - this baby is due to be born any day and the OW continues to try and contact my husband to ask him to "acknowledge her" and "see her belly" and "feel the baby moving" etc. She tells him she feels abandoned by him. He is being very transparent with me and has told her he does not want contact with her. I believe that he is no longer engaging in these guilt tripping conversations with her. The OW has been given two options - 1. Leave us alone and raise the child herself - not knowing who it's father is and how it was conceived (he suggested she make up something like a one night stand or donor etc)or 2. Let the child know it's father as part of his family - so WE have the child with us part of the time, tell our families what has happened, try to incorporate the baby into our family. My husband has made it clear to the OW he will not be involved with the child seperate from me (she was hoping he would just have a little family with her on the side!!!).I guess my question is - do you think the later option can work/is a good idea? I am having doubts. I worry that that will mean this woman is able to "play games" with us for years to come. The more I think about it the more I think the best solution is for us to have no contact at all. Should my husband just pay maintinance and that's it? The problem is my husband and I BOTH feel so bad for this child...how will he/she feel if they know the circumstances and that their father hasn't wanted contact? This is such a mess!! I am also very afraid that my son (who is only 14 months old now) will be hurt.Thoughts?
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2008): I am glad to see this post...the same thing happened to me. My husband had 3 month affair that I didn't know about. When he tried to break it off, SHE texted me to tell me! We started going to marriage counseling and he said he stopped seeing her, but he hadn't and ended up getting her pregnant...which we found out by her coming over to our house with a positive pregnancy test! She is married and has 2 children and now in the middle of a divorce. My husband hates himself for what he did. Realizes that he loves me and he wanted to start a family with me, not have an illegitimate child. (We were in the process of trying to have a child...it's been a year with no luck yet) Yesterday she had her first baby appointment and called my work to see if I would allow my husband to go. I hung up the phone on her and filed a police report because I have had to change my phone number twice and email because of her harassing me. He didn't go to the appoinment, but did talk to her on the phone about it. This deeply hurt me. Mostly because for 12 years we have have dreams of starting a family and for the past year we have tried..with no luck and was going to start fertility pills right before I found out. After I realized the deep emotional pain from him giving away our first child to someone else, I called a lawyer. I still love him. I don't want to divorce him, but I see no other way for anyone involved. I can't take the pain, he wants invovlment, and she is very manipulative and conniving in everything she does. She also had the nerve to ask him if I wanted to go to the appointment and asked him to tell me she was getting "fat" because of the baby!! She is just being meanspirited and trying to break us up. Any advice?? I hate this, I truly do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm sorry, I didn;t realise there were new posts on this question until just now. Wow - thank you to all who have added comments - particularly those of you who have experienced similar situations. It always makes one feel a lot better to know you're not alone....although I truly wish noone else had to go through this!
First - an update. The OW was due to give birth in early May, so baby has arrived by now I assume. Since my husband sent her the letter - which outlined his feelings, regrets, anger, guilt etc - and the options re the baby (to accept it will be involved in OUR family if he has contact with it OR accept he won;t have any contact) - we have not heard anything. I imagine she has her hands full with a newborn tho - and sooner or later she will get angry and pop up again...but maybe my wish will be granted and she will just accept the situation and leave us alone/build her own life with her child!! (I;m allowed to dream surely!!)
My husband and I are doing OK - both talking, and commited to examining how this all happened and what we need to do from here on in etc...so in some respects I feel quite positive and close to him again. I also still feel scared to trust him at all...I think it will take alot of time before I can do that...but I believe him when he says he is commited to me and our son.
I have made good progress on being able to be angry at my husband - I still "protect" him alot (that is something I think I do with all my loved ones)...but I have gotten better at laying lame with him and not solely the OW. I hate her less and less - she obviously has some serious issues herself.
She is the child of an affair - who's father didn;t want to know her when she sought him out, her best friend is the mistress of a mm and has had two c;rn to him...so her "world view" was perhaps a bit squewed to start with. She has her own complex baggage that I think definately contributed to the affair...I fully suspect part of the attraction to my husband was the fact he WAS married....maybe in her mind she wanted to get the "happy ending" her mother didn;t get...who knows??
To the anon poster who talked about my hsb's 'role' - you;re absolutely right...as painful as it is for me to think of it - he definatly played his part in all this. If I had a dollar for ever time I have felt incredulous at his selfishness/stupidity re his decisions...I'd be on my own private yacht in the carribean right now!! I am sure he lead this other woman to believe she was very special to him (I know he cared about her - he is not the type of man to just use someone etc)...and she probably felt she would get what she wanted from him eventually...he has also talked about his inability to 'say no', or be honest with her - and his feelings of obligation etc...so he is exploring his own role in beginning and maintaining the affair.
To the anon poster who spoke of her perspective as the fatherless child and then the wife...my heart goes out to you. I do understand what you describe about feeling abandoned - and the sense of loss/emptiness that leaves you with...and it is not your fault at all. That is why I feel so much pain for this other baby - he is not to blame for the mess he is caught in the middle of...but yet it is likely he will suffer in some way shape or form. I hope not. Thank you for the second part tho - to be able to look at this from the other perspective would not be easy for you, even after your own painful experinece with infidelity. Thank you for caring and understanding the difficulty 'accepting' this other child would bring for me. I have taken on board what you have said.
All I know is that I am taking things one day at a time right now, looking forward not backwards as much as I can (it is harder some days)and focusing on healing me, working on my marriage and loving my own beautiful baby! If and when the OW re-emerges...my husband and I will deal with it then.
BIG HUGS to you all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2008): I think my response to this really won't answer any questions, just reiterate some points already made by others. Nonetheless, here it goes.First, I want to speak from the point of view of that child. I was brought up knowing only my mother until I went looking for my father at 18. It was a lot of pain and agony that could have been avoided if both of my parents had acted differently before/during/after their divorce. Although I know him now, I still miss having a dad - you can't make up for years already gone by and what scraps there are now aren't even really worth mentioning. What is worth mentioning, though, is that there is a gap in my being that will always just be empty... never filled by anyone or anything and the time for it to have been in place has passed its deadline. Additionally, it hurt even more to know he knew of me, had another family (after my parent's divorce, fyi) and did nothing. When thinking about it, I still feel abandoned.Next, I want to speak from a point of view similar to your own, as a mother and wife who has had to deal with her husband's affair. My heart really goes out to you that the OW "accidentally" got knocked up. That was probably my biggest fear on discovery of my husband's affair. From this point of view I have to agree, as cruel as it is to that poor child, that you should think about your family, your son, and the well being of those two entities. She's played games and now her child and she will both pay the consequences, and thats a shame for the child, but that child is not really any of your concern. Confirm paternity, get it all legallly set, and let the past fade like a bad memory. Most of all, come up with a plan that involves minimal contact with that skeezy woman.
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reader, 4babies  +, writes (26 June 2008):
I feel everything you are feeling. I just found out last year 2007 that my husband had an affair with our son's afterschool teacher's aide. I am still feeling all kinds of emotions ranging from hurt to uncontrolled anger to disgust and remorse. We have 4 children. We agreed that we did not want any more children. We were looking forward to our time together as our youngest is 10 and our oldest is 18. Oh yeah and the OW just turned 23 this year. The OW is immature, disrespectful and ignorant. She is the one who told me about the affair & from her own words she seduced him. She says she saw how he was a good father to our children, the cars we drive, she has seen the outside of our home & so she thought we had money. She states she was on birth control & got off without telling my husband. I am not solely blaming the OW as it takes two to tango. I actually blame my husband more as I feel she is young & ignorant & he who is 17 years older then her should have know better. As he definetly knows how children are made (she does too, her first child is by a married man). My husband is extremely remorseful. We are trying to work things out. We are seeking counsel from everyone from our church pastor, marriage counselor, books, lawyer, family & friends. The OW is furious that I didn't leave. She has told me that I should have left by now so she could be living in my home. I told her I would burn the house to the ground before she moved in it. I know not the most mature response but hey, she took me there. With all this said, we have taken what we feel are the proper steps. We established paternity - its his 99.99%. We established child support. My husband has agreed to secure a second job to make up for the income lose as our family WILL NOT suffer for his mistake. We have told the OW that I would be the point of contact for everything. She is not agreeable to this as she wants my husband to come to her home & visit the baby. We have expressed to her that we will only be in the baby's life on our terms. Due to the numerous antics the OW has done ranging from calling the CEO of my husband's job & telling him about the affair, to coming to my job repeatedly, to taking the baby to my youngest son's school & telling all the teachers who the baby's father is and many many more things. My husband has told her he does not want to be in the baby's life at all. He said she can receive the child support & that is it. Since he has made this decision we have not heard from her anymore. I know my husband, he can't stay away from his child & I don't want the child to suffer & not know her other family but we are afraid of the antics starting again. So my advice to you is to see the child only on your terms. You & your husband need to present a united front to the OW. She can have no power in your lives. Let her know that as soon as she puts her feelings aside and chooses to think soley about the child's welfare then there will be no contact. Make sure she understands that the child will be treated with love & care. We have told the OW several times that she & my husband are not a family, they have a baby & that baby is welcome to join our family. Lastly, pray, pray & pray some more. God can heal your marriage, your heart & your mind. Pray for the OW. Pray that she find peace with in herself & see the error of her was so that she does not continue to use the child as a pawn. Lord, I ask for this husband and wife to have strength & to seek your guidance. Remove any strong holds that Devil may have over their marriage. Allow this couple to remember their marriage vows and to cleave to those vows. You are a healer Lord and through you all things are possible. In Jesus name, Amen.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2008): HiI am in the same situation, my partner had a 5 minute you know what and told me. Following this the OW told him less than 3 weeks later that she was pregnant. This has turned my world up side down. How you have dealt with a full blown affair I will never know!!Since her happy statement she has admitted to planning it. All he could say was that he didn't know why he did it! It would be easier to say goodbye and I have never been in this situation before but I know the pain you are going through. This lady wants nothing but in her words the CSA. It's the poor children who suffer through spiteful women and pathetic men!!Good luck
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reader, Showstopper +, writes (22 May 2008):
I think you should prey. You shouldn't have to go through this. How would you trust him again? Follow your heart. If your family is important to you than except it. You have to be STRONG,VERY STRONG.Good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2008): I am sorry to hear about your situation. I am in the same boat. My partner of 10 years had a 3 year affair with his "best friend" and had a child. I suspected there was a child a couple years ago after our youngest son slipped up and said something about the friend having a baby. I did some investigative work and he fathered a child with that will turn 1 this weekend. I am still working through my feelings over the situation because we didn't not have any more children after our 8 year old was born because he said he didn't want anymore. Clearly a LIE! Anyway, you need to think hard about your decision because the OW will always be in your husbands life and will always be trying to steer him away from you, when you have disagreements or he is just struggling with life she will know and play on that weakness. I understand the child is not at fault but the OW played with fire and got what she got and now should take responsiblity. My partner goes to see the friend and the baby on Sunday's - he only takes his oldest daughter (not mine) because she likes the friend and is sympathetic to his situation. The 3 boys stay with me and never talk about this child. I am not sure when the "sting" to me will go away but for now you must decide what your level of coping is. For now, I CANNOT have this child in my house, I barely can stand him going on Sunday's. We have not told my family about this child because they think my partner is not very good to me anyway but he has told his family and allows the friend to visit his family to show off thier son. Again, I just warn you to expect this OW to come out with guns blazing to try and pray on your husbands guilt,sense of responsiblity, ect to try and rope him into her life. If she didn't care he was married before she surely doesn't care now because she has him legally and emotionally bound to her for a lifetime.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2008): So many good answers:) But i have my own part of the story as I've been through this situation with me being the child's mum.
It's not good for this woman to haunt your life, but you need to consider what your husband made her beleive during that one year when the affair was going on. Men enjoy tossing women around and when it comes to responsability they will just back off and that's when they get their wives to do the dirty work for them.
In a one year relationship you build a lot of feelings, and anyone who has carried a child in them know how important the bond with the dad is expecially when the child is kicking or being born.
Its not good for her to give you choices and its not even fair for you to give her choices. The child is both hers and your husband's and you want it or not he is responsible (as long as the child is his).
If I were you I would leave him to do the talking, obviously by consulting you beforehand as this won't make you look like the wicked step mum.
That child needs to know his dad, needs to be with his dad and his brother.
The only way you can reach an agreement with anyone of you flipping out is in court. That would decide exactly the best for this little baby but it would be very unfair for your husband not to have anything to do with this child.... it would be very painful for the child, for your own son and for your husband in the future.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2008): Your husband should be involved with the child, this is your husband fault and he must face up to what he has done. Think about this poor child, born out of a stupid affair. I personally don't know how you can stay with him, yes I can understand forgiving an affair but being so stupid to actually get another woman pregnant? well thats too much. But it's your choice, like I said earlier, your husband should see the child and come up with times. The only way the woman will effect you if YOU let her and you feel confident your hubby won't fall into her arms again. Good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2008): Normally, I would say the child is the most important. Not that it isn't important this time however.If I was you, I'd try and think through and except what your husband did, whether you love him etc, and then decide on what option. I agree with you, she WILL play games with you. She'll probably try and make you jealous. She'll make you paranoid. She'll be generally evil. And although your husband has been a man since breaking up with her, they aren't the brightest.I'd talk to your husband about it, discuss your options. For you, primarily, option 1. She said she wanted a kid, you said yourself it wasn't an accident thing, she said she wanted to keep raise it on her own etc so she can. The only reason she's changed her mind is because you didn't seem to care.Therefore, I'd say option 1. It's not like it won't be loved. She'll scam your husband of loads of money though!
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reader, rcn + ♥, writes (13 May 2008):
 The fact is, when court establishes maintenance, her rights to dictate if she wants the child around you run out. Courts set up visitation plans on the best interest of the child, not necessarily reasons parents may have.
If she violates the court order, she can get into trouble for doing so. If violations continued, your husband could file to have the child raised in your home.
In order for her to keep the child away from being around you, she'd have to establish that you are not of sound mind and could cause mental or physical harm to the child.
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reader, DiovanLestat  +, writes (13 May 2008):
 I gotta admit I prefer option two. But I can see how it would be difficult for everyone concerned (except of course for the child) It is better that the baby have two committed parents, and unfortunately for the other woman, you and your husband are now a solid family unit, which she must learn to accept. Somehow, I get the impression that you and probably your husband would find it difficult to walk away from this baby. Can it work, yes of course it can. I gotta admit I've seen it happen many times, no different from children who have stepfamilies. Seems to me if you can work together with her, you could be giving this child a great future. In time the pain of how the child was conceived will fade away.
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reader, PeterPan + ♥, writes (13 May 2008):
 After reading you reply, my first thoughts are if you really care about the welfare of both children, I would recommend laying all the cards on the table in front of a child psychologist of some other professional in that vein and ask for their professional opinion. In fact, it might be worth it to get a few opinions on it from two different specialists.
...just a thought from a guy who has no children of his own, but thinks that this would be good to bounce off the head of somebody that really understands child development.
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reader, louweez23 +, writes (13 May 2008):
 I cannot imagine what that must be like for you. I would guess it must be very hard? The situation isn't that disimilar from a second marriage where there were children from the first marriage (of course the timing is different).Obviously, you do not want this woman to be a part of your life and I don't balme you, but unfortunately, it is only right and proper that the baby should get to know it's father.Your husband is quite right to insist that you be included in any contact you have with the baby.As far as the other woman is concerned she isn't really a threat to you. She 'accidentally' conceived a child with your husband and her manipulation will not be lost on him. Whatever she has 'done' to you she has done worse to herself because bringing up a child as a single parent is not an easy task. It will be her having all the sleepless nights and dirty nappies to cope with. Take solace in the fact that she has made a rod for her own back. Your husband clearly loves you and has already made his choice otherwise he wouldn't be with you now.Good luck with whatever you decide.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much to all of you who responded to my question - this whole situation is so awful that I have felt like I could talk to noone about it - and it has been quite cathartic to do that here. Thanks for your understanding and encouragement too.
I too have thought alot about this unborn child - the fact that he/she has been used as a "pawn" in this game my husband - and in particluar the OW have played. The fact that he/she has had no choice to be born into such a mess, and it seems whatever "choice" we adults make it is this child and my beautiful son who potentially will be most damaged.
When my husband and I made the decision to tell the OW that IF she was serious about my hsb playing "daddy" that WE would want access, it made sense to me - yes it would be painful to tell my fiends and family about my hsb's affair -but the child deserves to know his/her dad...and maybe being around our family could be a positive thing for him/her overall.... and I feel very confident that I would never take out my anger/hatred towards his/her mother on the child. (let me add - OW initially told my hsb she would let the child be around me "over her dead body"..?? note she has never met me, and then once it finally dawned that my hsb wasn't going to play happy family's with her she tried the "I'm afraid (me) will hurt my child", then when my hsb refused to engage in that she left it at "well I will have to think about letting you and (me) have contact"......she continually tries to demonise me, which I know is just her jealousy and own "issues" speaking...but urgh!!!
Then there is the "choice" for my hsb/our family to have no involvement...and we wait for an 18 yo to knock on our door down the track? What do we tell our son then?
That's why my hsb has said (with my support) that unless the OW wants her child involved with our family that he would rather she not tell the child about his identity/involvment with her at all...to spare that child feeling 'unwanted, abandoned' etc...we understand that growing up without a Dad will have it's own challenges...but to grow up not seeing him but knowing who he is, that he has a family/other children/knew about you....wouldn't that be more damaging?? We felt she should "lie" (I know, it is probably a bad idea)and say she had a donor or one night stand or something.
Get this...OW started a "diary" which she told my hsb was all about her feelings during pregnancy and about him etc...for her child!! Actually asked him to write something to the child. Do any of you think showing a child something like that would be OK? This showed me clearly what a manipulator I was dealing with.
I have rambled on....but truly am interested in your thoughts on the above...
the worst thing at the moment is that I feel this OW has all the power...she hasn't responded to my hsb's last email which outlined the 2 options...so I sit here not knowing what will happen...is she out of my life or is my life about to be thrown into even greater chaos?? I hate this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2008): My heart goes out to you. This is really a difficult situation that you and your husband are in. My advice is that the baby knows his/her father, no matter how hard that would be for you both. I know that every time you see that baby it would remind you of what your husband did to you!But no child deserves to live a life without knowing who the paerewnts are. You must remember that that baby did not ask for this, he/she is innocent. You must also remember that if you and tour husband share a strong bond with eaCH OTHER, THEN NOT EVEN THIS BABY WILL COME BETWEEN YOU!!! Hope this helps.
Charmaine
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2008): This happened to mfriend. She was on a skiing trip with her husband when the phone rang and it was her husbands' girlfriends mother saying her daugther had just given birth. First my friend knew of any affair let alone there being a baby. They do not have any children of their own. Well my friend has taken this very well. My fried is very clever and suggested that the baby come and stay over with her and the husband to give the girlfriend a break. This happened a cpuple of times and then suddenly the girlfriend didn't like it any more. She assumed that 'the husband' would have left his wife and gone off with her. My friend doesn't like it but puts up with it as she loves her husband and he apparently is sorry for what he did. Now the husband goes over every Tuesday to see the baby and the girlfriend goes out with her friends. He wants to be involved even more so if he can and this makes it very hard on my friend but she acepts that it has happended and gets on with things. She is great and says that it's not the baby's fault. I would lay down a set of times etc for your husband to go over try to get her to let te baby come to you bot too ( if she is young she will probably leap at this offer) and get a paternity test as suggested if there is any doubt in your husband's mind whatsover as some women are very sneaky. Good luck
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reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (12 May 2008):
 I'd get some legal advice on this so you can have a handle on the future. The child deserves to know his/her father but it can be on YOUR terms. RCN is absolutely right about the paternity test as well. Once you have determined that then support and visitation rights can be set up so that there is minimal contact with the other woman. She has rights but so do you and your husband and only a lawyer can spell them out and get it documented so she won't be able to pull the rug out from underneath you guys later down the road. She sounds just like the kind to try it. Good luck and keep us posted.
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reader, Twirly + ♥, writes (12 May 2008):
 Ooo Im really not sure either way but wanted to come on and say what an amazing lady you are, and how lucky your husband is.
I agree with rcn regarding the paternity test, and can't believe this woman initially offered to abort the child if your husband left you, what a horrible person to suggest that and to use an unborn child as a bargaining chip.
I really admire you for sticking by your husband, I don't know if I could have done! I wish you lots of luck with it and can only advise that you do what you think is best for you and your child, and make hubby toe the line to the letter about whatever you decide.
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reader, PreciousNY +, writes (12 May 2008):
I am so sorry you were put in this situation. I definitely agree with rcn......make sure your husband gets a paternity test first. If the child is his and you decide to go with option #1, I believe your husband can give up his rights as the child's father. I would think that if he does that, he wouldn't be held responsible for paying maintenance, but I'm not sure. I would speak to a lawyer and find out. If I were in your shoes, I would probably opt to go with option 1, but logically it is wrong. It's not fair to the child to have to grow up without knowing his/her father. The child didn't ask to be born and he/she will be suffering the consequence of your husband's actions. I grew up without my father, and it really sux. But only you and your husband can really decide what is best for you both. Good luck and I hope everything works out for YOU!
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2008): Yes think of YOUR child. Do you want him to grow up in a family where 'this is my half brother from daddy's fling'Who's that woman? what her role in my family?Mummy whats a family?Go for option 1. don't feel bad its not your responsibility to mop up after your husband.Good luck
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reader, PeterPan + ♥, writes (12 May 2008):
First, I'm sorry to see that both you and your husband have found yourselves in such a situation. I am sure that both of you are going through a lot of pain right now and I hate hearing about bad news like this.
I agree that the OW would be haunting you for years to come. She obviously was trying to entrap your husband with blackmail style tactics. If she's tried that kind of thing already, it could easily escalate into something much more grand in the future (and I shutter to think what that might be).
I think that your best option is #1, although it's not in the child's best interest, but in yours. Further, if you do this or some other option, I would seriously consider having some kind of legal document drawn up between your husband and the OW.
My heart goes out to you and your husband.
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reader, rcn + ♥, writes (12 May 2008):
I believe the father should have contact with the child. He's the father and it would be not proper to request he do otherwise. This is a child. Working with couples, children grow up happier knowing both parents, even in separate households.
It's better to take care of all this at the beginning, than later. Lets say, with how strange her behavior is, 5 years go by. She, for some reason impliments him as being the father. He then would receive an order to be tested. If shown he is the father, he now has current maintenance + 5 years back maintenance.
I highly recommend a paternity test be done. I have seen some cases where someone has been implimented as the father, then later finding out the mother was playing with others as well, and he was not the father.
Any other questions, look to your laws. Contact someone who works with custody to assit you with your answers.
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