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male
age
36-40,
*ilas
writes: What Should I Do?Iv been with my girlfriend now for a year and a month, i love her to bits - she is amazin in everyway. However one or two problems have risen and in iv done some things im not proud of.To start with im 21 and shes 17, we rarly go out cos of her gettin ID'd and stuff but wen we do its great. Shes on a new course now and enjoys it. Shes enjoyin goin out with her classmates and experiencin the whole goin out phase. Goin back now to when we were probably 8 months into it i started i becoming suspicious of her. She was involved with another guy at work before me who she really fell out with and couldnt even talk to him however one day at work i went outside to see them talking out of view, which didnt bother me. I went home and realised that just before she went outside she was textin. I really hate to admit this but i checked her fone and what i found wasnt nice, flirty texts and generally not what a b/f wants to read. I then queried her and she sed they became friends again thru msn. Again and again she would be textin and say it was someone else and i would look unknown to her and see it was him. I also checked who she rang and she regulary rang him at night for long periods of time. All this went on for about a month but i loved her so much and cudnt bare myself to get down to the nitty gritty with her incase she ended it. Im sure alot of u will be reading this calling me a fool for sticking with her! It went on that much that i secretly logged her msn convo's on her comp to a folder she wouldnt find and read them when i had the chance, i was pleased to see that she wasnt doing anything with him or had met him. She later stopped speaking to this person after he got jelous of us and scratched my car. Now since then all has been well, weve had great times but recently iv detected she has been a lil off with me. We havnt had sex in a month which hasnt bothered me cos she was really ill with a water infection and then it was her time of the month but shes ok now and she sort of avoids in a round about way. Feeling that she wasnt happy with me i went back to the folder with her msn convos in .. and shes been REALLY flirting with this other guy. They have met but only for 5 mins. But she went to his workplace and he didnt come out, she ended the convo with "having a bit of fun" but he replied "i wont do anything with you until your single" Im really worried. She seems fine now but i cant help feelin i must know where she is at all times, and now shes into going out and stuff it worries me if she really is going where she says she is. What should i do? If i confess to knowin about it then i would have to confess to reading her msn conversations and her fone, im ashamed of that. If i dont, there is a chance she could sleep with this guy and go about happily and not tell me. I would die if she finished me, i seriously would. Thanks for reading.
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reader, Silas +, writes (20 December 2006):
Silas is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks very much for your comments. I felt better after getting all that off my chest as i havnt dialoged with anyone about that (that could be adding to the problem). We went out tonight, i took her to a very nice restuarant and we went ice skating. Later we came back here and i (with no intention of it) said that after i get off my holiday in january i want space...she seemed devestated. We talked and i think she thort alot about it. she sed she never wanted to lose me. i felt confident when talking to her and didnt feel like a doormat trying to tiptoe around here like i have in the past few days! after we talked she seemed so close to me, she apoligised to me if shes been distant really (she has had some bad time at home) and sed her workload and family life can get the better of her. i know shes 17 but believe me shes going on 27 sometimes!! she knows exactly what she wants in life, which is why i was attracted to her in the first place. i think it should be a lil better now but i will let you all know in a few days. iv decided that i am going to stop reading her fone and stop reading her msn convo's. i was a better person before i did that. if she cheats on me then of course i will be heart broken but iv been saying to myself "shit happens". im sure she knows i have an idea about her flirting, she seemed very close to me afterwards and didnt want to go home. she told me she loved me more times than i could remember tonight and is looking forward to spending the afternoon together tomorrow. well like i said thanks very much for your comments, its really helped all this. i guess i just needed to get it off my chest. i will create a new post referring to this after new year i think. thanks again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2006): Silas, I'm going to go a tad bit harsher on you than Eddie. I would usually try to give more compassionate 'advice', but when I saw you say this at the end of your post: "I would die if she finished me, i seriously would" I just automatically mentally shook my head at you.
You will seriously die? Please tell me you're kidding. Oooh, deja vu. Didn't I scold someone around your age a couple of months back because he wanted to kill himself over a girl who played head games with him and dumped his ass?
Seriously man, like Eddie said, where did your senses disappear to? Like I mention here and there, it's better to allow your companion to roam free with all that you do for and with them, without ever chaining them behind prison fences. If they run off and never come back, it clearly means that she wasn't right for you. If they run off, but not too far off and come back to snuggle beside you, fantastic, it means she always had you in her heart.
Did my metaphor make sense? [sigh]
Example, I once dated a girl that asked me hypothetical questions BEFORE we became intimate, stuff like "Would you ever allow your girlfriend to go out with her guy friends, knowing that her guy friends liked her more than just friends?" And my answer was simply, "It's not a matter of whether I would allow her or not. That's her choice and her's alone. If our connection is solid enough, despite my jealousies and discomfort, whatever she does outside of our relationship should be honorable no matter the temptations and obstacles. If she goes and cheats on me, then it simply means that our foundations weren't solid enough, that obviously, there were problems in our relationship."
Something like that...
Silas, IMO, you really have nothing to worry about. If she leaves you, then good riddance. Since you're not strong enough to leave her. She's young, possibly insecure, have no foundation for her character growth and unity, and I just lost myself...
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (20 December 2006):
 OK, you read her stuff. You found the evidence. You're in this deep, break up with her. You saw what you feared, she's not telling the truth and she's messing around on you.
This is where I think snooping is OK. You saw the signs. Your stomach told you something was wrong. You seem to be correct. But you worry about how she will feel.
Here's a scenario.....A man thinks his wife is cheating....he goes to work but comes home a noon to catch her....he walks into the bedroom and finds her with another man.....she yells at him, "What are you doing home?".....In other words, if he hadn't come home early, the sneaky devil, she would'nt have got caught screwing this other guy, it's the husbands fault for trying to catch her. She really doesn't have a leg to stand on here. She seems to be more wrong than you.
Now, get some backbone and role the dice. She seems to be on a course for disaster. Why are you willing to be a doormat for her to walk on. Have some pride.
After saying all this, I'd like to remind you that she's 17. That is young. Young people play young people games because they don't know any better. She's still curious and not secure with herself.
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