A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm currently in a relationship, I have been seeing her 8 months and been official for 2. Great chemistry, loads in common and just generally going amazing, i wish I met her sooner in my life, both the same age. How ever I can't stop over thinking her past, I think it's called retroactive jealousy? I'm unsure, I know some jealousy is normal but I'm just a massive over thinker. We have yet to discuss each others pasts and nor do I really want to, but she has let slip a few things while having a drink... to name a few as examples, that shes promiscuous (maybe the drink talking) , how bad her house is for bringing men home (lives with perants), that she used to flirt, or atleast give men attention for free drinks in town, ex cbeated on her so she cheated in revenge, wich i found replusive, i cant stand cheating... there is a few more but I hope you get the drift, every time she says somthing like this it's just deflates me a bit, gets me over thinking, I'm not confrontational and I try to think everyone has a past, she's lived her life, but the over thinking is leading me to belive maybe she isn't the right person for me, if she doesn't have any self respect or values. For context I've slept with less than 10 people, I don't believe in this hook up culture and I've always preferred to date and get to know some one before jumping into bed with them, I don't like the idea of using people for sex or them using me for sex. I guess I'm hoping for some advice on how to mentally deal with it, or weather there are other routes to take
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, kenny + ♥, writes (13 January 2023):
 I think its important for the progression of any relationship is to look forward and not back.
We have to accept that unless someone has been living under a rock for the past decade we are going to have some sort of history no matter who we are.
Maybe she was very young when she used to flirt for drinks, maybe she has matured and grown up now and this is something she maybe regrets doing, but at the end of the day this was in the past.
I think its important not to over think things, i know sometimes easier said than done. But I think if you want a relationship to prosper put your energies into your partner in the present and not in the past.
Yes cheating is a red flag of course, but what are her views on this now?. Maybe communication is the key here.
I would say go with your gut intuition, if your overthinking her past, and asking if she is right for you then you may want to ask yourself if she is really for you.
But as i said earlier, we have to accept we all have a past, and the present is what counts.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (12 January 2023):
 "I know some jealousy is normal "
It's really not "normal" or healthy. Jealousy is like a slow-acting poison. Nothing GOOD comes from it.
You are at a stage where you feel you have to "shit or get off the pot" when it comes to the relationship and thus you are paying attention to the "little things" (even if they aren't all that little).
I think you are SEEING that you two are not as compatible as you would have liked.
Your values and morals are not meshing.
While I have known MANY girls who would flirt for drinks - it was a game, I guess? It's (in my book) kinda sleazy and transactional, but overall fairly harmless.
Revenge cheating? Not so harmless. It's taking poison hoping the other person dies. Again, doesn't benefit ANYONE. It doesn't HELP her, it makes her JUST as bad as him. Cheating is cheating and just never OK. She SUNK to his level.
When you say you wish you had met her sooner, you have to remember she wasn't THAT girl (that you know now) back then. So who knows you might not have been a good fit back then either.
I also agree that the hook-up culture is not a great thing, especially for women. Because they end up feeling a need to sexualize themselves OVERLY much to get love. Love isn't transactional. Love is given and returned.
A LOT of young women are "encouraged" to be promiscuous. That sleeping around is somehow equated to "freedom" to "owning some power". Instead, the more young women sleep around the less secure they feel in their own VALUE as a person, a woman, and a partner.
Maybe, she has outgrown the "I'm so liberated" side and want something healthy, hence why she is with YOU. Someone who is NOT like her exes.
The past IS the past but it's also what has shaped us into who we are now.
You have two options really.
I think, IF you can't let go of her past (and that is OK, OP!) then maybe it's time to break up.
If you WANT to try and make it work, TELL her that you feel like the more you learn about her past the less you see you two as a good fit, so maybe you BOTH can leave the past (at least dating and partner stuff) in the past. And focus on the two of you and the future.
And if you WANT to make it work, TALK about the things that DO matter to you. Like, cheating - what you think of it, feel about it etc. But do it without making this about HER past.
I will say this TALKING about it, even agreeing ON IT (that cheating is bad) doesn't guarantee she (or you) won't ever cheat but she will also have a clearer idea of WHO you are and what you EXPECT from her, and what YOU are offering to her.
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