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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I found out my partner cheated when he was out of the country last year. But he continued to call me every evening, said the I love you's, and the I miss you's. He was still plugged into the relationship. I've struggled since to get over it. He has agreed never to go away by himself again as terms of our reconciliation. But I haven't been able to reconcile it in my head. Why would he have sex with another female when he loves me? It is not like our sex life sucks. He has commented I am the best he's ever had. Why did he do that to me? And prohibited me from going on night's out to clubs with my friends while he was gone. And he checked up on me a lot too. My question is why do some men cheat while abroad and yet still expect and demand for the woman to be faithful and waiting with open arms when they return? Why this double standard?
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2020): Men and women are different. A whole lot of women don't want to even look at other men when they are in love with a guy. Men are wired to always look. Some men also think that any sex is good sex and what their partner doesn't know won't hurt them.
What really stuck out to me is that you got him to agree to "never to go away by himself again" -- this seems difficult to enforce and kind of a lame agreement. If cheating really hurts you, I think you should say something like "if you cheat on me again I will leave you."
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2020): Partner? Husband, boyfriend, or business-associate with benefits? Different set of rules in each case!
Have you been tested? It's very possible it isn't the first-time. When people (regardless of gender) hide the fact they're cheating, you don't know what you've been exposed to! Depending on the infection, by the time you show symptoms you may be beyond cure or treatment.
We live in a world of reality. In an ideal-world, nobody cheats on anybody; and everybody tells the truth. Human-nature makes us unpredictable, vulnerable, selfish, and likely to make big mistakes. It's a matter of character, values, and how much you value trust. It is not a matter of gender; but it is a matter of personality, trust, and honor. Your gender does not make you any less capable of cheating on your partner. That devil is in all of us!
In everyone's life comes a time of temptation. Your faithfulness is put to the test. Love, unfortunately, doesn't always stop people from yielding to their darkside. Opportunity presents itself, and some folks cannot resist the urge to cease on it. Some are always looking for a chance to cheat, because they tire of being held within the constraints of monogamy, and being exclusive. They crave variety. Greediness and self-indulgence is reinforced by every ad, TV commercial, and every form of media we are exposed to. The addictive-hold the internet has on everyone (i.e. porn) works hard to weaken our self-control; and amplifies our desire to seek pleasure and accumulate material-things. Unless you have a very powerful and well-maintained moral-compass, cling to a strong religious-faith, and constantly reinforce your fortitude to resist a perpetual war and bombardment against your values; you'll fall victim to all our human-weaknesses. You'll lose your impulse-control, principles, and your natural sense of restraint. That does not exclude you and me. It could happen to anybody. Some people it doesn't take much, they just can't keep it in their pants! All it takes is for the wind to blow, and their underpants fall-down!
Boyfriends and girlfriends aren't held to the same measure of devotion and steadfast-loyalty as a spouse. Married-people vow to remain faithful; while bf's and gf's promise to be exclusive. They don't feel held within the same moral-constraints while in a romantic-relationship. You're replaceable. Hence, the conscience doesn't work as hard to keep them within such strict boundaries. They abide by the "honor-system." "I'll trust you as much as I possibly can, until I can't!" The worst that could happen is they'd get dumped. A divorce is a whole nother ball game!!! That's hell to pay! You have way more to lose! Your kids, your house, and all your money!
Morals and values in the modern tech-society are much more relaxed; and society encourages greed and selfishness. Cheating happens in marriages like vows and documents mean little to nothing anymore. It rips your heart out to know after a big wedding, all that pomp and expense, the planning, and promises made before God Himself...people cheat anyway!!! They always claim the person they cheated with didn't mean anything. NO!!! It means they cheated because you don't mean anything! It was a moment of passion and weakness? Last time that happened to me, it was with you! I don't allow cheating!
I've been cheated on, and even caught my mate in the act. I was in my early 20's back then; so I forgave him. I've come close myself, and wimped-out at the last-minute. That relationship still lasted 28 years. Cancer took him from me. If I'd ever get cheated-on again; I will still forgive my mate. That would also be the end of it. If my trust and faithfulness doesn't mean that much; then I won't offer it anymore. I will cut myself loose; and move on. I know how laxed morals are these days; so I'm not going to live suspicious and paranoid. I may as well find somebody else. If I can resist temptation and use self-control; I know I can find somebody else who can do it too.
I have, as far as I know. You're innocent until proven guilty. Then, and only then, will you be tried and convicted. Therefore, sentenced to be kicked to the curb. For life, without parole!
Why would I keep pouring love into a vessel with a big hole it...letting it all leak-out? I may never stop loving that person; but if I lose trust in them, they have got to go! That's just me!
I'll be kind to you if we cross paths; but I won't stop, or look back. I was once dumped, but it wasn't about cheating. I reached my expiration-date; then got replaced soon after. Ouch!!!
If you feel you can forgive and rebuild trust; then your option is to remain together. If you stay, and find yourself paranoid, sick to the gut, suspicious, unable to trust; and expected to live under a double-standard regarding your own fidelity. You're a fool.
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (11 January 2020):
 My question to you, OP, is, why are you with him still when being with him is causing you pain and the relationship is not the same anymore? Do you think you can't do without him? Is it an ego thing? That you can't bear him leaving your for someone else? Or is your self esteem really that low?
OP no one knows why people act the way they do. Psychologists charge a bomb and state the obvious, tell you things you probably always knew but didn't want to see.
Why do men cheat while abroad? Look OP a cheater will do it anywhere he can, right under your nose as well, so it's not just that men cheat when abroad. I guess in your boyfriend's case it was the fact that he was in a distant place, there was the thrill of the new and the unknown, the excitement of it all. Who knows, he might have done it other times as well and gotten away with it. Obviously words mean nothing to him and you clearly weren't enough for him. Is that your fault? Not in a billion years. That's Entirely his problem.
Why do men want their women to be faithful and waiting with open arms for them? Because this is the classic symptom of a married man cheater. That he will do whatever he wants, with whoever he wants, but his wife has to be a devoted trophy wife. And I guess that is exactly how your boyfriend views you. As his trophy girlfriend.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (11 January 2020):
 He was judging you on HIS standards and expecting you to cheat while he was away so demanding you stay at home and checking on you was his way of minimizing that risk. It shows he doesn't trust you. Unless you have ever cheated or given him cause you doubt your fidelity, this is all on HIM. He is a cheater and expects everyone else to be the same.
You should really be asking HIM why he cheated. Nobody else can know. Some men cheat for no other reason than because they CAN. You can stop him travelling abroad and any number of other things but, if a cheater wants to cheat, they will find a way. You cannot be with him 24/7. He can pretend he is at work but be with another woman. He can cheat during his lunch break. He can pretend to be "working late" and be with someone else. As you have already found out, there will be no other telltale signs.
I do wonder how you managed to find out about the infidelity.
You now need to decide whether you can ever trust him again. If you can't you will live forever in a state of anxiety about what he may be up to. Is he worth it? Only YOU can decide.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (11 January 2020):
 Can you forgive and trust him? If not, that’s okay, but you can’t stay in a relationship with him.
Most cheaters cheat more than once. Most cheaters don’t trust their partners because they know what can be done (cheating - since they’re doing it themselves). If it can be done abroad, it can be done at home. If you forgive once, it’s likely to happen again. Going out is a choice - you still choose to go or not to go, even if he tells you not to.
I’m sorry you were cheated on, but now you have an important choice to make ASAP: do you want to stay with him?
Can you ever trust him again? If not, then no, you can’t stay with him, even if you want to. Do you want to be controlled? If not, then no, you can’t stay with him. It’s up to you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (11 January 2020):
 Why did he expect you to stay home and WAIT for his return?
Because he KNOWS what HE (himself) was capable of - CHEATING. So if he could do that to you... YOU could do that to HIM. He was projecting his own bad behavior onto you.
The thing is, you can forgive a LOT of things in life, but you can't really forget them. They happened and you can either CHOOSE to live with them (and him) OR decide that it really WAS a deal breaker for you and the relationship is now over.
Who did he cheat, you ask?
Who knows. People cheat for various reasons. There is ALWAYS an "excuse", the most common is ... "it just happened". That one is to remove all sense of responsibility. The more likely one, is that he thought he could get away with it.
Another thing is this. If he could CHEAT on you abroad, he can do it at home. Cheaters find a way.
It's OK to decide that no, I can't stay in a relationship with this guy because I no longer trust him.
Lastly, HOW did he "prohibit" you from going out with friends - did he tell you that you can't go? That is still a choice YOU make. Just like being faithful was a choice HE didn't make.
All YOU have to do is decide, IS there a future with this guy or not. What he was thinking or feeling, ONLY he knows. We can only guess and really those guess are NOT going to make you feel like you can all of a sudden trust him now.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2020): He was cheating and as a cheater he didn't want you to do the same thing, mirror reflection on his own behaviour. I maintain from men telling me that some in their own mind can differentiate between love and sex, he can think he loves you in his mind but the sex with other person was just simply that.
I'm not saying that is the absolute truth here,maybe he exaggerates his feelings or falls for people easily, only he knows that.
All you can do if you stay with him is try and move past it and learn to trust him...
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