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Why am I so jealous ?

Tagged as: Dating, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (19 June 2017) 2 Answers - (Newest, 19 June 2017)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I would like to know as I am trying to attempt the dating game at 31 to stop being so possivive-a little background - I have honestly been with three men and two in a relationship - one was long term and he was very manipulating and control- the first one I trusted with all my heart and after 5 years of verbal abusive I broke free.the last one was short but both men had similar negligent traits- long story short they never cheated on me- both ended because I am apperantly daring the same guy over and over again. I noticed though the second men I dated unlike the first one I couldn't relax - I was paranoid (checking his instagram) is he following lingerie models- is he checking the waitress- is he finding me attractive - for what ever reason I just didn't trust him at all. Why am I like this? No one cheated on me? Why am I so possessive - I never let it out - only in therapy so these men have never seen this side of me but it's a sickness - I can't pin point when this began but I can tell you a part of my heart is broken to the fact that I gave these men especially the first one my heart and unconditional love and they used me and mistreated me. I just don't understand why it coming out now in newer dating scenarios. For example there is a huge part of me that know if I date someone new now I will break down ever move he makes in my head - if he looks at this girl a certain way or that girl etc. gosh what gives? Does anyone know or have dealt with these emotions - the irony is that both of these men never cheated on me but mistreated me verbally- or neglected me and my needs- why am I so worried about cheating then?

View related questions: cheated on me, jealous

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (19 June 2017):

How long have you been in therapy? Are you totally open and honest with your therapist? Is your therapist male or female?

If male; maybe you might get better results with a female therapist. Maybe you hold-back out of fear of being misjudged.

A lot of people with abandonment-issues cling and hold-on too tight, to the degree of smothering their romantic-partners. They're paranoid and suspicious. If all you've ever witnessed your whole life-time, from childhood to the present, are men cheating or broken-relationships. You're totally consumed by your fear and cynicism. You don't trust males and you think they all cheat. You might have an unrealistic/idealistic impression of what love is; or you are prone to infatuation. If it runs so deep, there are many things to be explored.

You apparently have never had any good male role-models to demonstrate good-character and trustworthiness. You are drawn to or attracted to "a type." You might have also created in your mind too many imaginary-notions of what men should be like; and don't have enough real-life examples to go by.

Two unfortunate failed-attempts at a relationship, and you've given-up in total defeat. So now you've concluded that all men are alike. You might throw in some misandrist-undertones.

Often when people come from dysfunctional-families; the only examples of couples they've witnessed are relationships coupled with guys who don't stick around. The worst example being your father. I can see how that would rub-off on you as a girl; and seeing your mother, sisters, friends, or other female acquaintances go through the same; will imprint on your mind that the same will always happen. Worse-case scenario, you being abandoned or cheated-on by the man you love. Or, think you love.

You can't be a pessimist and in-love at the same-time. You have to trust.

Maybe it's time for a new therapist; if you've been going in for treatment for a considerable amount of time, and there is yet to be a breakthrough of any sort. Either that, or you just go; but don't really open-up, or do any of the exercises suggested by your therapist. You can't see how what they say would work; so you just don't take him/her seriously.

Therapy is only effective when you are committed and actively participating. You have to put yourself into it. If you just show-up and talk; you're just paying for a shoulder to cry on. That's a pretty expensive shoulder; and quite a waste of time and money.

No relationship is as one-sided as you you have described yours to be. If it doesn't work at all, there are many factors that tear couples apart. No one is 100% the victim. If you stick around when mistreated, you're being a martyr or masochistic. The human instinct is to flee in the face of eminent danger or catastrophe. Not stay. With the exception of violent domestic-abusers. However; some OP's embellish on how they've been treated to gain sympathy or leave out details that would include a two-way exchange of hostility and verbal-abuse. Not saying yours is the case; just making a point, as a matter of fact. You have to look at all angles.

If you treat a person like they're under a federal-investigation when they've done nothing; they'll either fulfill your self-fulfilling prophesy by giving you what you accuse or suspect; or, they get tired of your insecurity and simply dump you! Normally when the relationship doesn't work, both sides contribute to the incompatibility.

Consider another therapist. Maybe the person you're seeing is too inundated with an overload of other patients to thoroughly help you.

You say you only let it out in therapy? What? What does your therapist say about it?

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (19 June 2017):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntPlease see a therapist to root out the problem and improve it before you sabotage yourself.

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