A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone. I've been having some difficulties in my relationship with my girlfriend.I've been seeing a therapist, looking up similar stories, and reading books to understand her.The issue is all about her past, and it stresses me out to an extreme level sometimes.Her past is very unique, and that's the only reason I can slightly understand her past behaviors.So, the bottom line is that she had slept with too many guys. Many people would say "Past is the past, let it go." but her case is pretty extreme. She just turned 18, (I turned 22 a few month ago.) and she claimed to have had slept with 11 guys before me (I suspect there could be more). She has been sexually active since 13. 6 of the partners were her boy friends, 4 of them were one night stands, and 1 of them was a friend with benefits. She was pregnant once and had a miscarriage from the last relationship. All of these happened before she even turned 18. I had not known a single girl that slept around with guys without any guilt until I met her. (I grew up in a very educated area in Asia.) I didn't know much about her past when I started dating her.When I first heard the number of guys she slept with I was in a big shock. I've only slept with 3 girls, 2 of them were one night stands and 1 of them was a fling. and had sex about 4 times total in my life. I felt guilty after after those sex, and I pretty much stopped looking for sex with girls.She admitted that she enjoyed most of the sex she had and that she was wild, but she would take it back because she feels guilty and bad when she sees me get hurt by her past.I'm glad she was honest with me and told me about her sexual history. But it is really hard to embrace. I was once so stressed out and fainted because of the stress.The only reason I try to understand her is because of her other past. She is a native american and had a very rough life before she got sexually active. Her mom abandoned her when she was born (now she lives with her) and her mom raised other kids instead of her. Her mom moved back with those kids once and left her again. And when her mom left her, the kids her mom raised started to rape her. She was only 5 years old and the rape continues until she became 11. She eventually called the police and told her mom, and her mom told the police that she made up the stories. So none of the rapists got arrested.So I believed she developed the thought that the only way to get love from guys is having sex with them. She always had a boyfriend, and when she didn't, she was out seeking for sex with guys. This hurts me so much considering that she was only 14, 15 years old when she was looking for sex with random guys, and she never felt guilty about it. If she was 24 or 25 looking for sex, I'd have less difficulty getting over it. But seriously, I think it's extremely messed up if a 14 year old girl is looking for sex with random guys just for the sexual pleasure without any guilt. She told me she had public sex with the friends with benefits partner and enjoyed them the most. The fact she enjoyed sex with FWB partner more than her boyfriends crushed my heart so much. (I asked the question so I can't really blame her for that)She said I've changed her because I was a first who accepted her as she is, knowing that she was raped for many years. She said I'm the sweetest, nicest, and most understanding/caring person She's ever met. But what really bothers me is her rapes but her sexual history with other guys. I know she is very wild and dirty in bed, and when I imagine her doing that with 11 different guys hundreds of times as a teenager, I just feel so disgusted and don't wanna look at her face. She said she just wanted to feel loved, and sex seemed to be the best way. She said she never felt loved by her family and she needed someone to be there for her. She first claimed the number of partners she had at her age is absolutely normal, which made me rage at her. Obviosuly her friends were bad influences. But she also showed some hypocritical views by saying "I don't want my sisters or my future babies to start having sex as early as I did." I believe she knew that her behaviors were not moral/right but she never had the necessity to pull that morality card out because she always felt like she didn't deserve more than she got. Ironically, she said she never considered herself slutty.I've already talked about this issue many times with her, and she understands that I feel disgusted. We've cried together so many times because of this. But I don't think she knows how difficult it is for me to understand her sexual history. I've seeing a therapist for a couple months, reading a book about survivors of sexual abuses, and doing lots of googling on sexual victims behaviors.I sometimes wish she was not sexual at all, or at least very passive in bed. Knowing that she could have done so many dirty things with all the guys in bed makes me sick and disgusted so much and it drives me crazy sometimes. I know many girls engage in sexual relationship at young age these days, but they do it mostly because they feel pressured. But my girl friend was always horny and needed sex for its pleasure. This makes me feel even worse.I want to leave her because her hurt me so bad, but I just love her too much. I know she's changed. She was a very very damaged girl from a rough town and a rough family(both of her parents have babies from multiple partners and never took care of her) whereas I go to a prestigious university with a very well educated/ supportive family.We both love each other so much. I try to forget about her past, but it just comes back sometimes and I can hardly deal with it. I just get obsessed with those thoughts.But I don't want to ever leave her. I love her, and I feel sympathetic for her. I know she has been damaged so bad, and even tried to kill herself many times.She's nice, caring, pretty, mature in many ways even though she's from a rough town. I would have never guess she had such a rough life if she didn't tell me.Now I'm love with her and have to deal with her past.Having grown up in Asia, the disciplines and values I learned are completely against my girlfriends past. This almost makes me feel extremely insecure, makes me think of myself as a loser. I myself had a very lonely period throughout high school and the first two years of college. (I moved around different countries a lot and had lots of problems with my family, language, cultures) My parents were always pushing me to get good grades (typical asian parents) and I didn't have many friends. I developed an attachment issue over that period and became emotionally blunt to the point I never felt any happiness or sadness. I had my first sex during this period with a stranger, and I felt no pleasure out of it and only destroyed my sexual desire. I never can entertain myself in any ways now even though I've completely adjusted to the american culture and have a lot of friends. and my girl friend sometimes makes me realize how awful my life has been too. So this whole relationship is getting even harder sometimes. My insecurity and her past are just killing me.I don't want to lose her also because she knows everything about me now and she still loves me. It a very destructive relationship but we are madly in love.I don't know how to deal with this... Help me, help us
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (5 March 2012):
 "Also I do not completely agree on your idea of "you either love all of it or walk away." That sounds very immature and irresponsible. Relationships on that idea will crumble down easily whenever a hardship gets in between the two people. Hardships should be what make the bond tighter and stronger. If they don't love each other enough they will split up."
Whether that is an immature thought or not is up to you to define, but I speak not from ideology. I speak from experience. You don't hae to love everything about your partner as such, love the fact that they were raped etc. But you need to love her as a whole, with the fact that she was raped. What I mean is that you close to tell us you wish she was never raped because it makes YOUR life difficult, and it makes it difficult for YOU to love her.
You see problems that her past creates for you, but this isn't about you. Working on your insecurities might help you see that (and don't take this to a negative thing, we all have our own insecurities, but some are more damaging to a relationship than others).
My point is just that you can't love a person "if only" something about them wasn't so.
Keep encouraging her to seek professional help though. She really needs it. To help herself. To know herself. To heal. Offer to take her and sit outside and wait for her for example. But be prepared that if she goes, it'll be like opening the can of a lot of her sorrow and pain. She'll be in tears and suffering even more for a while. But talking things to death is a much healthier way of dealing with sexual abuse than silencing it.
There has been incest is my family, I know what bottling up things and keeping things hidden can do to a person. They can grow emotionally numb.
As for you trying to understand her. Well, you are not her therapist. And you will wear yourself out if you try to heal her. You're not expected to understand her phsyche or read her mind. I am sorry that I cam off as hard on you, I was trying to stress that her two issues (being abused and having had many partners) are one and the same. I was also a bit provoked by the male anonymous answer.
Maybe it'd help you more if I told you what I would do in your shoes. I'm no stranger to dramatic stories of the past. I've yet not had a partner with the same story as your girlfriend, but I've been with partners with a traumatic past, as well as having grown up in a unique circumstance.
I'd listen to them when they wanted or needed to talk. I'd ask how they would like me to respond, with a hug, or with cuddles, or with keeping my distance. Then I'd be patient. I'd stress the need for them to get professional help though, to the point where the relationship could be depending on it. If she wants to help herself, and if she wants this relationship, there is no question about it. She needs to go. But I would give her some time to get around to it, and not put a deadline on it, and NOT give ultimatums. Never give ultimatums in a relationship.
Then, for the times where the theme isn't brouht up, I'd try not to think about it. It's her trauma after all, not mine. I can not afford to let it swallow me. I'm quite the sensitive person that way, that I let how others feel affect me. But there does not need to be two people grieving the fate of one. Instead, I'd enjoy my time with her. A good relationship, and a loving partner, is great medicine. I'd not treat her like she was made out of glass, and I'd expect the same from her in a relationship as I would from any other partner.
Sorrow and grief, trauma and drama, are all parts of life. They happen. Everyone has some dark secret that pains them, absolutely everyone. If they haven't gotten that dark secret yet they will at a later point in time. It sucks, but that is how it is. There are no people "free" of any pain or hurt, no people who have not seen injustice or been treated wrong. Knowing that you can see that she is no different from everyone else, although she has her unique story, and she is her own unique person. But she is just like you and me and everyone else, we all have our dark secret. So do not make it out to be more dramatic than it is. Tons of people have turbulent lives, and at some point you might go through even more turbulanse than you are doing right now. Grow to take it on and deal with it, because even if you and your girlfriend do not make it you will face these hardships again at a later point.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI wanna thank everyone for their comment on my questions.
Luckily, I've been having less difficult times in dealing with her past now, and focusing on our future instead.
Out of all those, I'd like to leave some comments on the long answers that made me think about the issue.
k_c100
I found your advice most helpful, not because I agree with everything you said, but because you provided me with helpful advice for this relationship to work. I've been feeling much better lately after I posted my question. I can never know how I will feel in the future, but I will figure it out as time goes by.
And in my defense, I never wanted to lose my virginity to a stranger either. I was 19 when it happened and I hated it, well I was very horny and lonely. The only reason I had the second one night stand was to see if I'd feel the same way. It only made me feel even worse and I quit looking for sex with strangers, and not planning on doing that again. The other partner was my friend, not a total stranger, she flirted with me when I was drunk and we ended up having sex. Of course I regretted it (and felt used). I was very lonely for many years when I was supposed to be most vigorous. I at least wanted sex to be special and it wasn't. Unlike most guys, I value mutual mental connection and love in sex, and that is based on my experiences. I cannot agree my past is as bad as hers, but you(and chigirl) definitely made me relate my way of thinking to way of my girlfriends past behaviors.
Thanks for the good advice.
chigirl
I found your advice quite helpful too. But it seems like you don't really care that I'm trying to make this relationship work. I'm only 22 and yes maybe I'm not strong enough to embrace everything about her. Listening to her past was one of the most shocking things that ever happened to me in my life but I'm withstanding it and trying to work it out. And to be honest, I'd never had to deal with this kind of problem in my life so I wasn't ready. What I'm trying to do here is go through this and become a happy couple ever after.
Before she told me about her rape, every time I told her that I loved her, she said "No you don't, because you don't know anything about me." She had a history of being dumped by her ex-boyfriend when she told him about her rape. She was very scared that I might leaver her like he did. I was the first person she opened up herself to about everything, and I tried my best to make her feel better. I also suggested her see a professional (but she refused to do so).
I don't understand that why you are condemning me for not fully understanding her when I'm seeking for help for that reason. Also I do not completely agree on your idea of "you either love all of it or walk away." That sounds very immature and irresponsible. Relationships on that idea will crumble down easily whenever a hardship gets in between the two people. Hardships should be what make the bond tighter and stronger. If they don't love each other enough they will split up.
Anyhow, your explanation on her behaviors really helped me. I am interested in psychology and understands many human behaviors, but I wasn't sure about her case. I thought about it after reading your answers, and now I definitely have a better understanding on her behaviors.
And Ironically, even thought we hurt each other in some ways, we are being a great support to each as well. Having someone who knows everything about you and still supports you feels greater than anything out in the world.(especially when that person is someone you love.)
I really appreciate for your answers though. They helped me a lot.
Anonymous male reader
It's good to know that I'm not only to blame. I also believe my feelings are normal considering the circumstances. I'm only trying to work this out. Thanks for your support.
adamantine
I agree she needs someone who understands her.
and I have to say I understand her and that's why I'm still with her and trying to make things easier. I believe that understanding someone and having a certain emotional response are two different things. I think you can't love someone unconditionally without understanding and knowing the person completely. Shouldn't it be more meaningful if one tries to work things out even when he goes through pains because of the other? I'm not saying I'm the best person in the world, but I don't really understand how you judged me to be "not strong enough" for having feelings that I had about her past. If you don't feel anything about your partner's what your consider to be a flaw, then that only shows how much you don't care about that person.
I find your answer a bit harsh and judgemental like chigirl's, but it still makes me think about the issue from different angles. Thanks.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI wanna thank everyone for their comment on my questions.Out of all those, I'd like to leave some comments on the long answers that made me think about the issue.k_c100 I found your advice most helpful, not because I agree with everything you said, but because you provided me with helpful advice for this relationship to work. I've been feeling much better lately after I posted my question. I can never know how I will feel in the future, but I will figure it out as time goes by. And in my defense, I never wanted to lose my virginity to a stranger. I was 19 when it happened and I hated it, well I was very horny and lonely. The only reason I had the second one night stand was to see if I'd feel the same way. It only made me feel even worse and I quit looking for sex with strangers, and not planning on doing that again. The other partner was my friend, not a total stranger, she flirted with me when I was drunk and we ended up having sex. Of course I regretted it (felt used). I was very lonely for many years when I was supposed to be most vigorous. I at least wanted sex to be special. Unlike most guys, I value mutual mental connection and love in sex, and that is based on my experiences. I cannot agree my past is as bad as hers, but you(and chigirl) definitely made me relate my way of thinking to way of my girlfriends past behaviors. Thanks for the good advice.chigirl I found your advice quite helpful too. But it seems like you don't really care that I'm trying to make this relationship work. I'm only 22 and yes maybe I'm not strong enough to embrace everything about her. Listening to her past was one of the most shocking things that ever happened to me in my life but I'm withstanding it and trying to work it out. And to be honest, I'd never had to deal with this kind of problem in my life so I wasn't ready. What I'm trying to do here is go through this and become a happy couple ever after. Every time I told her that I loved her, she said "No you don't, because you don't even know about me." She had a history of being dumped by her boyfriend when she opened up herself to him and was very scared that I might leaver her. I was the first person she opened up herself to about everything, and I tried my best to make her feel better. I also suggested her see a professional (but she refused to do so). I don't understand that why you are condemning me for not fully understanding her when I'm seeking for help for that reason. Anyhow, your explanation on her behaviors really helped me. I am interested in psychology and understands many human behaviors, but I wasn't sure about her case.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2012): Insecurity and disgust are two different things. The O.P. is not feeling insecure about her past, he is feeling disgusted. Calling him insecure is a mistake and/or hitting below the belt. And why is the OP getting hit? His GF is not coming here with the problem asking for help, he is. Just like his GF reacted normally to sexual abuse, he is reacting normally to being with a partner whose actions run deeply against his core values. His retroactive "jealousy"(not even the right word) reaction is just as normal as her promiscuity reaction. They need to break up. Not because the O.P. is at fault. Not because he owes it to her to feel okay with her actions. They need to break up because neither one of them is at fault but they are too far different. One of them has to stay unhappy for their relationship to work. Maybe some people don't think that is a problem as long as the unhappy one is the "jealous" guy. But I think it is a problem when either person is chronically unhappy.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (28 February 2012):
A trauma such as sexual abuse is not only an explanation, it is a reason. It is not an excuse. If you hurt your legs you end up in a wheel chair. That wheel chair was not more of a choice. You could of course choose to crawl around on the ground, but what choice is that? The wheel chair becomes how you survive. There is a reason and an explanation for why you are in it, and that reason is not an excuse.
I know the difference between explanation and excuse. If a person has been hit by an abusive parent they might resort to hitting their partner or their own children. Their past becomes an explanation, but not an excuse.
However, the case of sexual abuse is more than a simple choice. It is a much heavier trauma, with deeper complications. Like I said, promiscuity in the aftermath is a survival mechanism. The other common path to go down, and there really are few who do not fall into one of these two, is heavy depression, self medication through drugs and possible suicide.
There are few who do not resort to one of these two ways of coping with the sexual abuse. Not unless they have had professional help to deal with it and get through it. This girl did not get any professional help. In fact, her own mother refused to admit that she was being abused. She has not had any help whatsoever to recover from this. Her way to survive was through making sex meaningless and to substitute sex with feelings of care and emotion. It was not a conscious choice, and until the person has healed enough to be strong enough to work through the issues on their own, this is how things will be.
For this woman to at such a young age already see that she needs to change her ways, is a BIG step on her part, and not something one should think is a small matter. It is a big step for her. Many others close their eyes to it, and never work through it. But she is working her way through it. And in this process she is opening up to her boyfriend and allowing him to see the truth of who she is.
What she needs to recover is strength and love, patience and maturity. Not an insecure man who faints at the thought of her past. Like I said, this does not mean her boyfriend is a bad person at all. It just means that he does not have, at this point in his life, what it takes to be there for her.
Likewise, she needs to focus all her strength and energy on herself, and can not offer much support to him for the struggles he goes through either.
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A
female
reader, adamantine  +, writes (28 February 2012):
 male anonymous - "Shifting the blame for the problem onto him is not fair and it does not really help anyone in the long run."
Dwelling on the past doesn't help anyone in the long run either.
I agree with chigirl. You need to part ways. Love sometimes is not enough. There needs to be respect. You need to respect her as a person, as a human being, and you clearly do not. You do not see her as equal to you. In your eyes, she is low. Scum of the earth - because of some bad decisions she made when she was younger, which were brought on by the terrible emotional/sexual abuse she suffered AS A CHILD. She was a child. She is somewhat still a child.
You do not need to understand her past. The only thing you need to understand here is that she has suffered a tremendous amount as she was growing up, which no one should ever have to go through. You need to understand that right now, she needs someone who she can depend upon and someone who will love her unconditionally and not look upon her in disgust. She needs strength, and right now, you aren't strong enough to share your strength with her.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2012): There is a difference between explaining something and excusing it. The OP's girlfriends sexual abuse history only explains her promiscuity. It does not excuse it or absolve her of responsibility for it.
She did a lot of things that normal well-balanced men find very unattractive. Now her boyfriend is struggling with his feelings for her. This is not "immature" or "insecure" on his part, this is normal. This is exactly how a healthy well-balanced man is liable to respond to the situation. Shifting the blame for the problem onto him is not fair and it does not really help anyone in the long run.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (27 February 2012):
What I do not understand is how you could be so stressed out and faint because of this? Did you happen to think about it and then just faint? Did you argue over it and then faint?
Victims of sexual abuse sadly do tend to cope with their trauma by being sexual with random people. They develop this as a technique to survive. Otherwise they would go mad, or potentially commit suicide. It is a survival mechanism. Her sexual history is directly related to her being sexually abused as a child. It is a cause and effect. Not a choice. I think that is what you need to understand. You can not separate her sexual history from her past of being sexually abused. They are one and the same. Her sexual history is a direct result of her being sexually abused as a child.
I think you should not be with her. You are not mature enough, or capable, to deal with this. And that doesn't mean you are a bad guy, it just means that you will do her more harm than good. Because you aren't dealing with this the right way. She needs professional help to deal with her past. And after that she will need someone in her life who CAN handle her past and NOT be disgusted with her, but love her unconditionally. Which, unfortunately, you do not. You are disgusted with her, not loving of her. You can not take out parts of who she is, or parts of her past. She is all of it. And you must either love ALL of it, or walk away.
"Having grown up in Asia, the disciplines and values I learned are completely against my girlfriends past." I challenge you on this. Rapes and sexual abuse happens in Asia as well, not just Europe or America. Rape victims in Asia will respond in the exact same way in Asia as everywhere else in the world. The difference is that YOU haven't met a victim of sexual abusive in Asia, and you haven't dated an Asian woman who has been sexually abused.
You need to separate. You should not be together. You are not enough for her, she needs someone not insecure, someone strong and mature, someone capable of handling her situation and her past. And you, you need someone capable of handling you as well, and your insecurities. You are both in need of help, but you are not in a condition to help each other.
If you absolutely are determined to stay together then make each other a promise that one year from now you will meet again. In this one year you will not date or kiss or have sex with anyone else. You will both go to therapy, separately. She needs more than a therapist though, she needs a psychiatrist.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2012): I will not judge you.. however I truly believe your girlfriend and you have a high mountain to climb.. and by the looks of it your gf needs more of a friend than a bf.. forget about the sex.. just be a friend to her.. her best friend... try to learn who she .. it is only then you can build a relationship with her.. if after learning about her life and who she is .. you are able to understand her ... only then will you be able to love her for the person who she is.. till then just be her friend..
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (27 February 2012):
 You do understand why she has had this past, you have said it many times in your post. And in these 2 sentences she (and you) have summed it up perfectly):
"She said she just wanted to feel loved, and sex seemed to be the best way. She said she never felt loved by her family and she needed someone to be there for her."
There are no other reasons than that - this is why she has had the number of sexual partners she has.
I think the more you 'try' and understand the worse it will get, because you know the reason but you are still searching for more answers, because at the end of the day the truth is not a good enough reason in your mind. If the truth is not enough for you then there is nothing we or your girlfriend can do to help you.
In my opinion her past isnt that bad for someone who was abused for so long, she could have gone off the rails far more drastically than she has. Yes it isnt great, but she has learnt her lesson and it has made her into the person she is today. If she hadnt had this past you wouldnt love her - I know that sounds odd, but she wouldnt be the same girl you know today, so she would be a very different person. Her past is part of what makes her who she is, so you have to think is it really that bad when you love her so much?
And one other thing I would like to add - your past (in my opinion) is just as bad as hers. At least 6 of her partners were boyfriends where she will have cared for them and they cared for her hopefully. Whereas yours have all been cold, empty, cheap sex with strangers. That is terrible in my opinion, sex with strangers disgusts me more than sex with people you love/care about.
I am 24 and have a high number of sexual partners, however every one of the men I have slept with have either been boyfriends or men I wanted to be my boyfriend (i.e. not strangers and men I had been out on at least 4 dates with). I'm not too proud of the number of men I have slept with, I have pretty poor taste in men at times and I have lacked judgement. However I had feelings for all of these men so at least it was not sex for the sake of sex, it was always more than that.
You are no angel yourself, you have your own issues with sex as you have said in your post and I think you are a bit hypocritical being so harsh on your girlfriend when she has had such an awful past, yet here you are the so called well educated well brought up boy - yet you had sex with strangers 3 times.
I'm sure from all your research on retroactive jealousy you will know there is no way to get over it and these feelings probably will be with you forever.
So you have a choice - are the feelings of love for her stronger than your feelings of disgust for her past? Or do you feel more disgusted than love for her? Whichever is stronger should win.
To me, you really should just let her past go and move forward, but that is easier said than done.
You had very few friends and a lonely childhood, so in a weird way you are jealous of her past because you (in a different way) were longing for that human contact as well. You were lonely and wanted friendship, she was lonely and wanted love. You both were lonely, yet you just sought out the answer to that problem in very different ways.
Real love doesnt come along very often, and I believe that if you have found it nothing should get in the way. Yes it hurts that she has had sex with other men, and in an ideal world she would be a virgin and you would be happy. However you have fallen in love with her as she is now, flaws and all. You have both had troubled pasts - so why not stop looking at the past and move towards the future, together. You can build a new life together, make each other happy and have the life you both want. If she stays with you long term then she will only have had 11 partners in her lifetime, which by modern standards will be very good! So yes at 18 years old 11 is not great, but if you stay together forever 11 partners when you are married and in your 40's will be very good!
There are 2 sides of this coin, and you have to make the choice whether you want to live in the past, or write it off and look to the future? Only you can make that choice, she cant change her past and there is nothing she can do to make you ok with it. Only you can decide if you can move past it, or whether it is too much for you to deal with. If you cant move past it then there is no hope for your relationship and you have to call it a day.
You cant love her and hate her past at the same time, it is damaging both of you too much. You either love her for who she is, including her past - or you move on. But it is your call, no-one else can help you on this.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2012): If you really can't get out, there is no question to answer!
If not, perhaps you'd prefer to be either just friends or, if you're too much in love with her for being just friends; then you should get out!
Or why not?! Right?
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