A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I've been married 20 years, my husband has been a troubled person for the majority of those years, we now have 2 adult children. 6 years ago my husband was sentenced to 6 years in jail shortly after his conviction, I learned that he was doing time for sexual assult against a woman whom he may or may not have had some sort of relationship gone wrong with (the details aren't clear as his lawyer was not permitted to discuss the case with me because he was employed by my husband) 4.5 years after he left, I began to come to terms with all of this and move on with my life I met a man whom I really liked and we dated for a year. Approaching my husbands release date both my family and his family and my church made me feel like the bad person for not wanting him back in my house. He's out now, sleeping on my couch, I no longer see the man I met and I can't get passed the fact that he went to prison for a sexual crime. He's been home 6 months, he works, pays bills etc but it's the fact that I find this totally unacceptable to have sexually assulted a woman, hide the details (for the sake of typing the long and short of it is that I never knew it was a sex crime until he was in prison because it was hidden from me) Each time I want to get rid of him, I get this guilt trip from my children, his family and my parents (both families are very religious)........I am not the one who committed a crime, why all the sympathy for him?
View related questions:
in jail, move on Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the responses. Let me say that I remained married because I was raised like this, I believed that I had no choice but to stay. When he left I began to see things differently but I really relied on my parents heavily. Because I was by myself with the kids for the first time ever and really scared about how I would keep my house etc. It was such a whirlwind that I really couldn't. Focus on him at that time and my 'support system kept telling me to stay with it. Now, I have since begun to take legal steps for divorce, I left him in the house, not rally concerned with keeping it anymore. But for the life of me I just cannot grasp. How everyone has so much empathy. For him! For years I felt like he was all they truly cared about. I did not continue to see they guy I once dated, I am just happy to be done with it
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2013): I'm confused. What judge sentenced you to remain married to him and under what judicial law did he sentence you to remain married to him? If no judge sentence you and such law doesn't exist, then please tell us why it is YOUR CHOICE to remain married to him if you're so miserable and don't want him and simultaneously b*tch about it? I mean really, shaking my head. Obviously you want him so squash your complaining.
...............................
A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (22 March 2013):
 Hi
What did the family etc think when you were dating the other man while your husband was in prison? Did they not have something to say then?
Did you visit your husband in prison? Did you not read about his case in the papers at the time or go to court to support him? Who told you it was a sex related crime?
Look its clear he did wrong,he went to prison, so either you forgive him for whatever he did OR look after yourself, go see a lawyer and divorce him.
One of these sympathetic people can have him at their home to live,or as he is working,he can go find an apartment.
Ignore the families and do whats best for *you*,you owe him nothing
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2013): Maybe if you had legally divorced him then none of these religious nuts would have any leg to stand on. But since you remained legally married to this creep and criminal that means that under your religion's law you are still bound to be loyal to him. Why not divorce him already?? Now if your religious community says you shouldn't divorce him even after all he did you should seriously find a different religion. You did not state what religion this is. Well let me just tell you that I used to be deeply embedded in christian evangelical religion UNTIL I experienced first hand and saw for many more years how they idolize the institution of marriage at the expense of the people in the marriage. My church friends dismissed the pain I felt from my abusive marriage just threw Bible verses at me and told me how sacred marriage is and why I need to stay and work things out. I saw pastors and church members doing all they could to stop other women leaving abusive marriages saying she must stay and reconcile and if he continues to abuse her then she should just seek God's help to endure. When i saw people basically condoning abuse of others that was when I left the church and along with it many friends. This transformation in me took about 15 years. You can google for more resources and info on how many churches in this country pressure victims of domestic violence to stay because of their belief in the sanctity of marriage. It is totally messed up and I am still trying to understand how many well educated intelligent people actually buy into this and support it (because they are only spectators and are not the ones on the abusive marriages) .
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2013): Your kids and families and religious community are in the wrong. They do not care about you. They care only about themselves and want you to reinforce what feels good to them. Namely their narrow religious views that dictate marriage is sacred just the fact that it is a marriage. Religious people love to tell abused women to go back to their abusive husbands becquerel it is God's will etc.All these people around you are doing you harm. As if your husband didn't do enough already. They do not walk in your shoes so they have no right to criticize you. And from religious standpoint adultery is usually the only valid reason for divorce and your husband has done that so you should be able to divorce him and be well within your religions laws. In the end. Do not seek the approval of people who don't have your welfare at heart only what feels good to them when they are watching on the sidelines. You do not need people like this in your life. Get away from them and find a new better community of people to be part of.
...............................
A
female
reader, R1 +, writes (21 March 2013):
 How could he have hidden all the details?! Surely this would have been in the newspapers - local ones anyway. I'd kick him out ASAP. Nothing more to say!
...............................
A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (21 March 2013):
Dear OP,
The other agony aunts all said the right thing, so I have more nothing to add than another voice of support for you.
If he went to jail for six years and hid all the facts of the process from you, this man must have done something horrible. He lied to you, cheated on you and you had to live without him for six years.
You deserve to move on from this. You deserve to be with a man you love. You deserve protection from a man that's capable of committing such a crime and you don't owe him anything. I don't understand the sympathy of your families either. Maybe they just can't accept the fact that he did something like this and want to believe he's innocent. Maybe by pretending everything can go back to normal they want to avoid the pain that comes with getting to know this man for who he really is.
Maybe they are just so used that you are doing all the dirty work and taking care of things that they expect you to go on like this forever. Who knows.
It can't be religion really, because religious people only ever listen to those religious rules that appeal to them and help to tell other people what to do. At least that's my experience, coming from a religious family. Religion, for some people, is an excuse to be self-righteous and say things with a sense of entitlement. I don't say that's true for everyone, though, but in your case it sounds like that. Cerberus is right, if they want altruism and family spirit, they can start practising that themselves.
Your kids are grown up, your husband has got a job.. now it's your time to make a new start. Divorce him and ignore their speeches.
Lots of sympathy for you!
...............................
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (21 March 2013):
 wow, that's incredibly hard for me to understand why your family and church would encourage you to stay in such a relationship.
you are in no way wrong for how you feel. from the churches perspective, their logic makes absolutely no sense to me. first of all, from a religious standpoint, a marriage is made void upon one partner commiting adultery. so technically, having a divorce on these grounds is morally acceptable. also, i've heard on a handful of occasions where people went to their pastors for counseling when they were being physically abused, and the pastor encouraged the wife to stay and work through it (because that's the moral thing to do, apparently) and she wound up being beaten to death. i'm sorry if this steps on peoples toes, but a pastor or church friends in no way can replace a licensed counselor in these instances. they aren't qualified and they don't know what they're doing.
of course the church is going to make you feel bad for leaving. they discourage divorce of any kind, no matter what (this is a prime example) and encourage you to work through everything, even if that means making your life a living hell or if it winds up costing you your life in the end.
i can't remotely understand your family. but do what you need to do for yourself. if it means anything at all, i don't blame you.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (21 March 2013):
 You can forgive him, his family can forgive him, but that doesn't mean that you are BOUND by your vows to stay with him nor to stay married.
The fact that you are not EVEN privy to the case of which he served 6 YEARS in prison for, makes me think that he doesn't think of you as his life partner at all.
As for your family. Well THEY can take him in, THEY can live with him if they SO CHOOSE.
TALK to your kids, get a divorce and STOP letting his/your family BULLY you into staying with him.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (21 March 2013):
 Why do people claim to be religious, yet I bet 95% of them have never cracked a bible in their lives?!
Rape/sexual assault/adultery is definitely grounds for divorce. You are under zero obligation to spend one more second with the guy. The truth is, your family/his parents/etc. are being selfish because if you leave, they have to deal with him.
Get out of there! Them supporting him and making you feel bad is sick, and it's no wonder he is who he is if his upbringing condones that sort of thing. YUCK.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (21 March 2013):
 OP: Cerebus has MOST of the advice that you need.... EXCEPT for one proviso. To wit: ARE YOU STILL MARRIED to this man??????? If "yes,".... and if you want him out of your life.... then you must divorce him and go on your own way.....
If you and he are in that "never-never" land, wherein you actually are still married... then it's understandable why there is still some peculiar feelings (expressed to you) about what is going on between the two of you....
Define, for yourself, what is going on in your life.... IF this man is and should be out of your life... then get to that place. If there's ambiguity, then YOU have to correct and reconcile it....
You are, of course, entitled to tell the creep's friends and/or relatives that THEY are free to take him in to their care whenever they wish....
Good luck...
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2013): God forgives and all that shit OP, frankly religious people are just idiots that way.
Look just tell them straight up if they want to be charitable they fucking take in this rapist. tell them you don't feel safe with him there at all and tell them you're not willing to risk being raped because he "deserves a second chance".
Tell them they take him in, if not then why won't they? If not then they have no right to judge you for wanting him out.
OP fuck their guilt trip, get rid of him. You have no place in your life for a guy who has shown he can and maybe even will sneak up to your room in the middle of the night and rape you.
Again just keep bringing up the fact that they should take him in if they feel that way and if they won't they have no right to say shit to you.
...............................
|
