A
male
age
36-40,
*uan87
writes:Hello. My name's Luan and I'm writing from Brazil.I'm not going to bother you with the whole story of my life and my relation, so I'll go straight to the point, asking you this.What to do..If you are not able to forgive your partner after he/she cheated, even if you BOTH think this is story of your life?What to do..if your partner said he/she loved you, wanted to stay with you, but at the same time, for a certain period, you were not his/her primary thought?note: I'm talking to past.Thank you for your replies.Luan
View related questions:
period Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (22 March 2013):
 Don't try and "force" forgiveness, it will come when you are ready to let it go. When you accept that this was not YOUR fault. It was your partners CHOICE to cheat. You didn't MAKE her cheat.
Take some time and think on the anger. Find a way to let it go, not for your partners sake, but for you. Anger makes you bitter and usually not a person others want to be around. It can end up with depression so please, don't let it fester.
A
male
reader, Luan87 +, writes (22 March 2013):
Luan87 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for the answers.
No children involved, and no marriage. Just a long, happy story.
Before this.
Sometimes I tell myself to FORGIVE, for me, for our relationship. But at the same moment I feel angry.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2013): Personally, I believe I could forgive my partner for cheating, but I would not stay with them. As hard as it would hurt, they would be out the door, no looking back. The end. Finished. It's not something that is acceptable when someone is in a committed serious relationship with me.
There are no excuses, blame or justifications for cheating. It's a choice and when one chooses to do it, you have damaged the relationship and the trust is gone. If someone wants to see if the grass is greener elsewhere, they can't stay with one person, whatever the reason is for not being able to stay faithful, then DO NOT get into a monogomous relationship in the first place, or break it off before you go in the wrong direction.
Forgiveness takes a whole lot to do, but being able to gain trust back is extremely difficult...sometimes successful, but often things are never the same and the damage is too much to come back from.
Do what's in your heart and the rest will follow...women's insticts are often straight on, but we do not listen enough or allow doubt and insecurities to cloud judgement.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (22 March 2013):
Forgiving is not the hardest part of being cheated on. Regaining trust is.
There are no set rules carved in stone that says you HAVE to forgive and you HAVE to stay with a cheater. But in my own personal experience forgiving can be a release for yourself, because carrying all that resentment and anger is NOT healthy. It helps YOU get over what someone did. However, it can take a long time to reach true forgiveness, but when you do, do it FOR you.
If I was "only" dating a guy and he cheated it would be a deal-breaker and I would end it. I wouldn't bother trying to work though it. It would be over. It can be a little different when you are married and have children and so forth. Then you have to weigh in what you want and what he/she is willing to do to fix it. There might be more to fight for. There is counseling to help move past it and so forth. But again, I could forgive and move on with cheating in my marriage but only ONCE. If it happens again, it's done. With that said, everyone is different.
...............................
A
female
reader, VSAddict +, writes (22 March 2013):
 If you can't forgive cheating, then you should move on. Being unable to forgive will lead to lack of trust, and eventually resentment. No relationship needs resentment at all, but every relationship needs trust..And if you know that the trust can never be repaired or you're not willing to work back to a good place, then you would be wasting your time continuing the relationship.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2013): If this is something you can't forgive, then the relationship is never going to work and you should leave. I don't know if I would be able to forgive and even if I could, I know it would be something I'd never forget and I couldn't stay with that person.
...............................
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (21 March 2013):
 for me, personally, i have learned from past experiences that i can't move on once a partner has cheated. the trust is the primary component in your relationship, and is the fiber that holds you together, especially during tough times. this means that you trust that they will always be honest no matter what and never stray. once they have proven they are capable of being so dishonest and deceitful as to be with another person while with you (the ultimate betrayal of trust, if you ask me), and give way to temptation, the trust that was built in that relationship has crumbled. so what do you have left without that? in my opinion, nothing.i've been cheated on in the past. i tried to give it a second chance because i loved that person so much i couldn't imagine losing them. but i quickly found out that i began losing my sanity and i just couldn't do it. if they were a few minutes late, i wondered if they were cheating. if they answered a phone call or a text, i wondered if they were talking to that person or someone else. in other words, it made me a person i wasn't. and most importantly, it made it incapable for us to be able to have a healthy relationship. becauase lets face it, it's not healthy to constantly be paranoid. and it's also not healthy for the other person to feel constantly watched.it IS possible to forgive a cheater and move on and stay with them. but it takes complete, and i mean COMPLETE dedication and commitment from BOTH parties involved to get to a better place.the cheater must realize that of course, they are to never, under any circumstance, speak with or come in contact with the person they cheated with ever again. and they are of course to never cheat again with anyone else. they must also be completely honest from then on out and also be willing to accept that their partner will have difficulties with trust for a long time afterwards.the one cheated on needs to realize that they will be in for a long healing process. it's like grieving. you will have moments of anger/rage, then sadness, then feeling normal, then back to anger, and so on. it really is a rollercoaster, and the other partner needs to be prapared to accept this, and the one cheated on needs to be willing to go through it without resentment. also, the one cheated on needs to forgive and move forward. once you agree to forgive and stay with a cheater, you can under no circumstance, hold it over their head in a fight or use it against them. you must be willing to look only forward, never back. if you focus on the past and the deed that was already done, you will never move forward as a couple.only you know what you are willing and wanting to do in this situation. i found out i couldn't do it. but everyone is different. but definitely don't fool yourself into thinking it will be an easy road. it's incredibly hard. and you both must be willing to walk it together.*as a side note, the person who i referenced wound up cheating on me again and again, multiple times with multiple different people, and we are no longer together.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2013): hey Luan so if you're not able to forgive and forget so it's best to break up for good, sever all ties otherwise you'll be together but there's always going to be some resentment and distrust between you too. I'm also a little bit confused as to what you meant by " even if you BOTH think this is story of your life" as in love story of your life, like you think you two are perfect for each other? and she's the one and all that, well if this is it, I don't think you should stay in a relationship with someone you believe has done something unforgivable.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2013): I would obviously split up from someone who cheated. Even if I could forgive them I have too much self respect and pride to do so. People know what's acceptable and unacceptable in a relationship, there's no excuse for doing the unacceptable such as cheating...that's my view.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 March 2013):
 if you are unable to forgive your partner then you need to move on from them.
It does not matter when the action occurred if you cannot get past it and forgive, then what's the point in staying with them?
...............................
|
