A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Help. I am trying to get over a man who was a bit of a player - and moved on from me to be with a girl I know. The girl always plays it down and pretends there is nothing going on (possibly not to hurt my feelings) but the guy told me they are together and they are always on 'chat' at the same time, so I believe him over her.The thing is - even though I am hurt that he is not wanting me any more, I can cope with the fact that he will be after other women - except for HER!! She is someone I know and was meant to be a friend, but is being underhand and devious by playing it down. I would unfriend her on Facebook, but that makes me look bitter and she has never admitted to anything.What should I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2015): I am the OP - and just to say I have finally I unfriended the lady in question.
I was going to try ignoring her a bit longer - but after another sleepless night, I couldn't take any more & have unfriended her.
I know it will make me seem bitter - but hey - neither of them talk to me now much (if at all) anyway - so it won't feel any different & I have a little weight off my shoulders now!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2015): Thanks. It would be nice to know your forum name to email you, seeing we have been through the same thing.
But like people are saying - I WILL unfriend her - I just want to wait a few days as she sent me a 'Happy New Year' message so the timing isn't quite right! Happy New Year indeed - what a cheek!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2015): You're welcome OP. Yeah sure, unfriend her. Do you feel justified in feeling bitter? If so who cares what they think. You are a human being. You have feelings. You have every right to feel bitter when people stomp on your feelings. It's human nature. Im a firm believer in speaking my mind when I feel its worth it to me. Maybe it'd be good to get some of this off your chest. Write her a message or something. Tell her what you think of her. Get this OFF your chest and direct it specifically and only to the source of your frustration. And then delete her and be done with her. When my "friend" did what she did, I didn't hold back. I told her what I thought of her. I have no regrets about doing so. They knew I was mad. I don't know what they thought of me. Maybe they were laughing at me, with a evil laugh, who knows. I could wipe my ass with their opinion. It wasn't about them. It was about me. I had to heal. I was carrying an immense amount of frustration with no outlet. To me, it felt good to tell her off. Sometimes when I feel bitter and frustrated, the adrenaline pushes me to do good things for myself. Ill join a kickboxing class or go for an awesome hike. And take a lesson from this. Be more aware of who you're surrounding yourself with. There are alot of jerks in the world. If you like a guy, don't create confusion. Be upfront and honest about your feelings and intentions. Time heals all wounds. At some point, you'll put this behind you and move on.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (4 January 2015):
 Does it REALLY matter if she think you unfriend her because you are bitter? I mean she doesn't seem a like a stellar friend or even halfway decent acquaintance.
If I were you, I'd STOP wasting so much time, energy and emotions on this fella. HE OBVIOUSLY isn't the good guy you WANT him to be.
And being bitter? It does NOTHING for you. It won't make her (or him) a better person, ALL it will do.. it make you a bitter person, and that is rarely an attractive trait in any one.
Maybe just thank you lucky star that this "fling" didn't amount to anything more, because he ISN'T a keeper.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2015): Just be glad you aren't with him anymore. Warn your friend if you want to keep the friendship, but honestly she doesn't sound worth it unfortunately. Good friends don't go out with exes of friends. She won't listen to you most likely. Since it is upsetting to you I would delete them both out of your life for good so you can move on. If she is a true friend she will realize what she has done and apologize to you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2015): Hi - I am the original poster. Thanks to the last lady asking how well did I know her. Yeah I didn't know her too much longer than him - but yes you're absolutely right - she does know she is doing something shitty but is still pretending to be my friend.
I intend unfriending her - to try & forget - but then does that make me seem I'm bitter about it all? I mean I am bitter - & unfriending her is the best way to move on - but do I show that I am still concerned - as to her she probably thinks I just had a brief fling with the guy - although my feelings run a lot deeper!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2015): Was she your friend? How well did you know her?
I mean if she feels the need to conceal this relationship from you then, while I dont know the extent of your friendship, obviously she feels she is doing something shitty.
My ex boyfriend and my "best friend" became quite close when he and I broke up. She too concealed this relationship from me. Even went so far as calling me crazy whenever Id ask about it. Denied having any contact with him. Eventually the truth was all confirmed to me. I never spoke to either of them again.
But for months after, it boiled my blood to know that they had any contact whatsoever. Seeing them both online, brazenly joking with one another. So arrogant. After some time, I made a new life for myself, got a new boyfriend, found happiness elsewhere and the rest is history. Now if I see them online or anything I see them both for what they are, two pathetic losers. Finally realized its their loss. He regretted it too. Begged to get me back. It was too little and too late. It doesn't hurt me anymore and Im glad I put them behind me.
You should do the same. It'll hurt for a little while. It'll bug the hell out of you. But that will pass. Don't let them get the best or worst of you. Stay busy and give it time. Things will look up again.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (3 January 2015):
Whom he dates is, in fact NONE of your beeswax. As annoying, hurtful, upsetting as it may feel for you - HE is free to date whomever he chooses.
If this is so upsetting to you, CUT them both out of your life. If they aren't a positive influence in your life, why keep them around?
And unfriending/blocking her doesn't make YOU look bitter - I seriously doubt anyone spend that much time pondering WHY people unfriend/block people.
You say she is someone who is supposed to be a friend, well... as it turns out, SHE isn't. So with that in mind WHY keep her around?
YOU can not control WHO he dates, or WHAT she might think - all you CAN do is control what WORKS for you. And if cutting BOTH of them off feels best for you, then DO so. YOU are a grown woman, do what's right for you and "screw" what others MAY or MAY NOT think of this. Walking around on eggshells isn't helping you, neither is obsessing over a guy you can not have.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2015): Thanks for your answers - but WiseOwl - I didn't discuss anything with my friend - only told her I wasn't willing to go too far with the guy as he was just after a good time!
So in a way - I probably let her think I was over him - but it didn't stop her from running in and taking everything, before I had chance to weigh up the situation!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2015): Once you breakup with someone you have to get over them and ignore what they do.
Players purposely go after your friends, and even your sister, to play nasty minds-games on you. They will retaliate for your kicking them to the curb. They know the best way to get back at a woman is to either quickly replace her, or cheat with one of her friends.
What he does now, is none of your business. If your friend denies it in consideration of your feelings, give her benefit of the doubt, if only for the moment. You can't confirm it, so you can't end a friendship without a solid reason. Fighting over men being among the least of them.
Why, you ask? Because you feel she has no right to see him, when you already know he's nothing but a good-for-nothing player anyway! If you were really a friend, you'd warn her. Give her your blessing, then step-away. Don't un-friend her, over some no-count player. His plan is to separate you from your support-system. If she wants your sloppy leftovers, let her have him. It's your fault. You went running to her, and discussed all the saucy details of your love-life with your friend and peaked her curiosity.
I often repeat myself on DC, and hear goes.
Do not discuss intimate details of your love-life with your husband or boyfriend with your female-friends. Letting them know you and your lover are at odds, gives an opportunist their opportunity. They already know him, or think they do. They know you and think they'll handle him better than you can. They think they have the inside scoop, so they can manipulate him better. They may think their more equipped as a woman than you. They are usually wrong. Figuring that he's "broken-in," and all they have to do is "slide-in." They get what's coming to them for it too!
She'll learn first-hand, exactly why you dumped his sorry ass. Pretend you don't know anything. If he's a player, the outcome is predictable. Then you will be in the position to simply say, "I could have told you so! That's what you get for turning on your girlfriend!" Snap your fingers in her face, turn your back, and leave with a swing in hips and a bounce in your step. Let her come crawling back. Then forgive her.
Never let a bad man come between you and a good friend. He was something you threw away. Being nasty to her will reflect poorly on you.
Keep your business between you and your man, unless you are seeking refuge and protection from abuse. If he abuses you, then spill your guts!!! No discussion about his penis, or what he can do in the bedroom!
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (2 January 2015):
You say you can't cope with it, and yet you must. You cannot control whether other people have feelings for one another.
This is really more about your behavior than theirs. You are acting all jealous and possessive over a guy that is no longer yours. You MUST move on. You are the one poisoning the situation.
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (2 January 2015):
You say you can't cope with it, and yet you must. You cannot control whether other people have feelings for one another.
This is really more about your behavior than theirs. You are acting all jealous and possessive over a guy that is no longer yours. You MUST move on. You are the one poisoning the situation.
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