A
male
age
30-35,
*hostChild
writes:I've had a very turbulent relationship with my girlfriend of the last 2 years. We've been long distance for most of our relationship, and that's made things tougher.At the start, things were fantastic, we got along perfectly and we couldn't wait to see each other. I would visit her every month without fail, despite the 800km gap between us. But then about four months into the relationship, we started fighting a lot. She began making a lot of demands and threats and ultimatums. She told me that she wanted to get serious and get engaged within the year otherwise we might as well break up then and there.So I broke up with her. I wasn't ready for that kind of commitment, and I didn't care for the fact that she tried to force it on me with the threat of ending our relationship.When I broke up with her, she broke down and went into a very dark place for the next two months. She became horribly depressed, she would cry constantly and she even talked about self harm and suicide to me. I wasn't with her any more, but I didn't want to see anything bad happen to her since I still cared for her. So I kept trying to help her, and I kept visiting her as she said it made her happy. Of course, that eventually led to us getting back together again.That was over a year ago now. Things have been rocky but she's much better mentally than she was then. But things have gotten bad again. Once again, she demanded not only that I propose to her, but that I also move to her city with her and buy us a house. We've been fighting a lot again lately too, so put that on top of her demands and the fact that I'm always the one to do the traveling and work and we're in the same situation we were in over a year ago.I broke up with her again the other day. I didn't want to, I had attempted to talk things through with her but it just wouldn't work.I told her that I'm very sorry but I'm not ready for marriage or engagement at this point my life, I told her I love her but I can't be forced into these things just because she wants them. That was last week. She's now falling into the same pattern as last time. She's getting very depressed, she's crying a lot. Not only have I broken up with her, but she's also had a falling out with her best friend this week too.She's telling me that I have to be there for her and that she needs me to be there in her life, otherwise she's not sure what she'll do to herself.I'm not a complete idiot, I know when I'm being emotionally blackmailed. And I know that I was more or less manipulated into getting back with her again last year. She makes me feel responsible for her health and well-being. And she's doing it again.I don't know what to do now. Do I tell her I can't be there for her any more and cut her out of my life? Or should I keep trying to support her and help her get back on her two feet. I'm afraid that if I leave her completely, she'll do something drastic.I'm sorry this was so long, but I just could really use some help right now.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2011): you need to continue to ignore her messages and calls so take whatever measures will make it easier for you to do that like changing your phone number. Only if she eventually gets weary from getting no results for her efforts will she ever stop. If you give in, even once, you're basically rewarding her for her persistence. You would be proving to her that all she has to do is refuse to give up and turn up the heat, and you'll eventually break down. Then you're back to square one, you would have undone your own progress of the last couple of weeks. Every time you break down and give in to her in whatever capacity she wants, you send yourself back to the "start" line. Only if she tries and tries and fails and fails to achieve her goal of getting any response from you will she finally get tired and then it will stop. She may not by any means understand your position move on yet, but she will stop if it's simply not working for her and she sees no glimmer of hope so she'll get discouraged about trying anymore. It could take a very long tine for this to happen - weeks or months. So you need to stay strong for however long it takes, hunker down and brace yourself for the long-term siege. so yes, change your phone number. Change your email address. Take down your facebook page. Change your daily travel patterns. Basically treat her like a stalker and take the appropriate measures that victims of stalkers take to reclaim their lives.
A
male
reader, GhostChild +, writes (3 November 2011):
GhostChild is verified as being by the original poster of the question I suppose you're all right. I know that talking to her again would just re-open the flood gates and she would end up reading into it as me wanting her back or willing to give her another chance.
I'll avoid talking to her, but I may email her dad to check up on her at one stage, but I think I'm realising now exactly how clingy and dependent she is.
I've had my phone turned off almost nonstop for last few days because as soon as I turn it on, I get bombared with messages and calls, STILL, it's been almost two-weeks since I broke up with her. I'm considering getting my mobile number changed or trying to get my phone provider to blacklist her number or something. She doesn't stop calling, and I've changed my email address now as I have a lot of emails coming in from her a few times a week. I've also blocked and deleted her from everything online (i.e. MSN, Facebook etc)
Again, thankyou all so much, it is very much appreciated!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2011): good for you for ending the relationship! you've done probably the best thing for yourself and ironically for her too though she won't see it that way and maybe never will but you did.
I agree with other people that you should stay out of contact. don't contact her again in 2 weeks. That's way too short a time. Even in normal break ups with normal people, 2 weeks is like nothing, it's not hardly any time passed at all. But all the more with this woman, she's not normal. She's a all-or-nothing person. You're either completely and 100% enmeshed with her and responsible for her life or death, or else you're her enemy as far as she' concerned. it's already established that you should not be enmeshed with her, that's just logical. So you can't just take it down a notch and call her up all casual in 2 weeks and expect that anything good will come of it. That does not fly with people like her because her rage is still raw, it will cause her even more rage and a bigger meltdown if you do that than if you simply pull away completely and stay the heck away from her until she's calmed down gotten more used to not having you in her life in the role of her full time savior (or until she's found some other poor sod to leach on to.).
if you want, you can write her a letter to explain what you're doing and why, but I woulnd't contact her otherwise nor invite her into any sort of dialogue. It's over means it's over, and your letter is more like a "letter of resignation" if you will and not an invitation to keep contact. if you write her a letter, wish her the best in her life but state clearly that this is your last communication with her and you won't be returning calls or emails because this is what's best for both of you.
don't listen to her parents. You have no obligation to them. They're trying to push off responsibility on to you just like she was. The only mistake you ever made, was getting entangled with her in the first place. if it was any other guy instead of you it would be the same thing now. Normal people date, break up, and move on all the time. It's simply unreasonable for her parents or anyone to expect that once you got involved with her now you are obligated for her well being for your entire life. That's way out of the bounds of the kind of relationship you were in with her which is why the relationship is being terminated. You did your best, and that's all you can do, and now it's up to her to finally start getting her own life in order like a normal adult should. or to choose to continue her self-destructive path in denial and just seek out a new victim to replace you with. She has options, it's her choice.
good luck!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2011): good for you for ending the relationship! you've done probably the best thing for yourself and ironically for her too though she won't see it that way and maybe never will but you did.
I agree with other people that you should stay out of contact. don't contact her again in 2 weeks. That's way too short a time. Even in normal break ups with normal people, 2 weeks is like nothing, it's not hardly any time passed at all. But all the more with this woman, she's not normal. She's a all-or-nothing person. You're either completely and 100% enmeshed with her and responsible for her life or death, or else you're her enemy as far as she' concerned. it's already established that you should not be enmeshed with her, that's just logical. So you can't just take it down a notch and call her up all casual in 2 weeks and expect that anything good will come of it. That does not fly with people like her because her rage is still raw, it will cause her even more rage and a bigger meltdown if you do that than if you simply pull away completely and stay the heck away from her until she's calmed down gotten more used to not having you in her life in the role of her full time savior (or until she's found some other poor sod to leach on to.).
if you want, you can write her a letter to explain what you're doing and why, but I woulnd't contact her otherwise nor invite her into any sort of dialogue. It's over means it's over, and your letter is more like a "letter of resignation" if you will and not an invitation to keep contact. if you write her a letter, wish her the best in her life but state clearly that this is your last communication with her and you won't be returning calls or emails because this is what's best for both of you.
don't listen to her parents. You have no obligation to them. They're trying to push off responsibility on to you just like she was. The only mistake you ever made, was getting entangled with her in the first place. if it was any other guy instead of you it would be the same thing now. Normal people date, break up, and move on all the time. It's simply unreasonable for her parents or anyone to expect that once you got involved with her now you are obligated for her well being for your entire life. That's way out of the bounds of the kind of relationship you were in with her which is why the relationship is being terminated. You did your best, and that's all you can do, and now it's up to her to finally start getting her own life in order like a normal adult should. or to choose to continue her self-destructive path in denial and just seek out a new victim to replace you with. She has options, it's her choice.
good luck!!
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A
female
reader, Battista  +, writes (31 October 2011):
OP well done for all this. You've really done well to speak to her parents, which I imagine was really hard. Of course you still care for her which makes it all the more difficult.
I would strongly advise you NOT to contact her in a couple of weeks. Of course you simply want to know how she's getting on, but she may well interpret it as some sort of sign that by getting back in touch you are trying to rekindle things. At the moment this girl is very vulnerable, and for both of you to move on- especially her- I think the best thing is just to shut down the communication completely, and not make plans to make contact on any sort of time frame. Two weeks is no time at all in the big scheme of things, and certainly not enough time for her to really change or move forward. If you really want to know that she's ok then perhaps you could drop her parents an email or call- if they're reasonable people I'm sure they won't mind, and although I know you say that they blame you for some of her problems, I'm sure they will see that much of it is actually to do with her, and that you're not the bad guy here.
Just try and draw a line under this if you can- easier said than done I know!- and try and trust in her parents and family to make sure she's ok. You don't need to check up on her as you don't need to feel responsible for her any more.
Good luck! You've really done the right thing- for both of you. Hopefully she will get the proper help she needs now. And hopefully you can try and relax a bit and realise that you don't have to shoulder these sorts of responsibilities in a healthy relationship.
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A
female
reader, Jen1689  +, writes (31 October 2011):
 I know you still care for her, and you'd like to make sure she's doing okay, but contacting her at all would only open any wounds she still may have or you still may have. This kind of relationship and her co-dependence on YOU are best to be left behind completely. Otherwise you'll be looking at the same issues that you had before. You're hurting now, and so is she, just leave it at that. Otherwise, you'll be falling right back into the same patterns as before, and you'll have to go through all of this pain all over again. Just leave her and all of her issues behind and move on with your life. Contacting her again in the future is not moving on, as you're obviously still wanting her to be a part of your life if you do. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, GhostChild +, writes (31 October 2011):
GhostChild is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi all, I'd just like to say thanks a lot for all the replies and answers, it's very much appreciatedChocoholicfever, thankyou so much for your input, it gave me a lot to think about and some serious studying up to do with co-dependents and whatnot, it was a real eye opener.I've tried to keep my distance from her for the last few days. She's tried to call me and text me a lot (in fact I have about 72 missed calls from her on my phone right now). A lot of her messages range from calm and willing to talk peacefully to being completely manic and angry and unbalanced. I called up her parents and explained the situation to her mum, which was hard to do as her parents kind of blame me a lot for her problems. But I felt like I had to explain the state she's in and all the messages she's left me. Her mum told me that she would spend more time with her and try to get her to see someone who can help her, at least for a little while, which is a pretty big weight off my shoulders just hearing that.And I called her back last night. I kept it as brief as possible and told her that she had to try and move on, told her that this was hard for me too and that I really do care for her, but this kind of relationship isn't healthy for either of us. I told her that she should spend more time with her friends and family but that she can't keep relying on me to fix her problems any more. I then made it clear to her that I was going to be absent and so she shouldn't try to contact me, then I hung up.It was pretty much extremely hard to do, and she of course kept trying to call, so I took the SIM card out of my phone and unplugged my landline as well, and I've been making an effort to stay away from computers and emails since I know she'll be doing everything she can to get ahold of me at the moment.It's out of my hands now and it's all up to her and her family to get better now.I'm thinking that I may leave it for like two weeks and then maybe start emailing her or something just to see how she's going? I'd still like to at least be her friend because I want to see her get better, but maybe that would be too soon and would only hurt her more?
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A
female
reader, Tyedyedturtle +, writes (27 October 2011):
 Cut ties completely. If she truly loved you, she wouldn't manipulate you. You aren't her parent, her doctor, or her warden. Forget her and move on. You DESERVE better, friend.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (27 October 2011):
You're absolutely right that she's emotionally blackmailing you. You also did the right thing of breaking up with her because the relationship was centered entirely around her needs and wants because she's dysfunctional and isn't taking responsibility to try and help herself.
Initially you did the right thing by leaving her and for the right reasons, and for that you are to be commended because I know it wasn't an easy thing to do. But then you back-slided when she (as expected) upped the ante with the emotional blackmail. People who were controlling when you were in a relationship with them, don't just give up just like that when you stand up to them, they will up the ante and try even harder to bring you back under control, and emotional blackmail is one of their tactics. In this case, it worked because you gave in and went back to her against your will. It's very understandable that you caved in because of the pressure, but objectively, it was not a good thing to have done. You reinforced her emotional blackmail and helped to strengthen it.
I would suggest at this point that you read up on "emotional blackmail" - there are articles on the web and even books about that - for help in HOW to deal with an emotional blackmailer and how to stay strong. Otherwise, you're helping to create and maintain a CO-DEPENDENT relationship.
Basically you have to stick with your original plan of not giving into her demands, and of not being in a committed romantic relationship with her. You can still be friends with her and continue to help her, even if you're not in a committed romantic relationship. But it's easier said than done because of course she will not readily accept this and may go to even greater lengths to try and stop you leaving the relationship.
Some thoughts that might help you to stay strong:
1. You are not responsible for her emotional and mental well-being. Repeat: you are NOT responsible for her, she is. Yes she's trying to make you responsible. But just because she's trying, it doesn't mean you should accept it. If you cave in and accept responsibility for her mental welfare (as you just did), then you're not doing her any favors instead you are being an ENABLER and helping to keep her in that dysfunctional state. you're in a co-dependent relationship (you can google that or read books about that too for more information). In this case, she's the "dependent" and you're the "co-dependent." Co-dependent relationships are very unhealthy. the 'stronger' or more functional partner in the relationship usually didn't start out intending to be in this kind of relationship, they just found themselves in it by tangling with the wrong person and then getting trapped by emotional blackmail.
2. What she wants is not a marriage, she wants a parent-child relationship masquerading as a marriage. Marriage is meant to be a relationship between two equals who are each healthy as individuals so that there is mutual give and take and mutual support. Marriage is not designed to be a crutch for dysfunctional people to continue to avoid taking responsibility for dealing with their own problems. Marriage is not designed to be a caregiver type relationship for someone who can't function on their own. People with problems do need support, that's very true. But this does not equate to marriage.
Realize that people such as your gf who have emotional difficulties taking care of themselves and are not taking responsibility to try and heal themselves, eagerly latch onto romantic relationships and marriages. Even though such people are really not in a position to be good marriage partners at all. but from their perspective, what could be more appealing than the idea of another person being hundred percent "committed" to you and they are not allowed to withdraw that commitment because of the law and societal pressure? They look to marriages as the answer to their personal problems so that they dont' have to take responsibility and work on their problems themselves. Notice that such people will latch onto partners who are "stronger" or more "functional" than they are. I mean, it's no coincidence that your gf is with you rather than with a man who has the same type of issues as she, right?
So realize that what she's doing is understandable. She has serious issues within herself (she probably needs professional help and maybe also medication) that she's not taking responsibility for resolving. Instead she's latching onto you or whoever she would have been with if you hadn't come along. This, to her, is the path of least resistance to ease her mental turmoil so that's why she does it and is unwilling to give up this situation. If you give in, you're helping to create and maintain a co-dependent relationship which is very unhealthy not just for yourself and the relationship (it will be a toxic relationship) but also practically guarantees that she will continue to remain dysfunctional because then you're giving her an "out" so she doesn't have to work on her problems herself.
So what else can you do? I understand that you care about her well-being. This does not mean that caring for her equates to having to be in a committed romantic relationship with her or to marry her. You can still care for her as a friend but without being her committed romantic partner.
You should break up with her (again). it's not her fault that she is "like this." clearly she is in a lot of suffering and her behavior (getting you to take care of her and be responsible for her) is the only way she knows how to alleviate it. But that doesn't mean that this is how it should be. This may be the only way she knows how to deal with her life at the moment, but it's not healthy and she needs to find better, healthier, more sustainable solutions that will actually make her feel better. If you give in to her, you're actually making it even less likely that she will ever get better.
You can do whatever is in your power to get her professional counseling. Make an appointment with a therapist and take her there if she's unable to get herself there. If she's suicidal or making threats, call a local suicide hotline and get advice from them on how to handle the situation.
Read up more on emotional blackmail and co-dependent relationships to arm yourself with knowledge and more in-depth advice on how to deal with it. You can find many articles by googling, or you can find books on the subject at the library.
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A
female
reader, Jen1689 +, writes (27 October 2011):
DO NOT take her back and DO NOT stick around to help her. She does not need your help, she needs professional help that you can't give her. Threatening suicide and self-harm is a terrible way to trap someone. And that's all it is - a way to trap someone.
Think of it this way: A person who seriously wants to harm or kill themselves is not going to let anyone know, because they do not want anyone to stop them. This girl is manipulating you through your emotions to keep your thoughts with her and to get your attention. And if she's really stupid enough to harm herself over something like this, let her. You can't stay with her out of fear.
My husband dated a girl back in highschool who pulled the exact same crap. They were on-and-off for two years, and when he finally ended things for good, she cut her arm open with a kitchen knife. My husband found her, got her help, but then cut all contact. Not even two weeks later, she was sleeping with someone else. A month after that, she fell pregnant. She's now been in and out of tons of relationships since her baby's daddy left her, and she still hasn't let go of her manipulative ways.
Please walk away from this, and do not look back. Cut all contact with her. Stop taking her phone calls. Stop texting/e-mailing/Facebooking her. Stop going to see her and checking up on her. Leave her alone, and she'll have no choice but to move on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2011): Is this your girlfriend by any chance? http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-boyfriend-of-two-years-dumped-me-a.html
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2011): She IS emotionally blackmailing you and is incredibly demanding. She has huge problems. But, they are not your problems, you are not responsible for her.
She must have family and friends to lean on or help.Though it sounds like she needs professional care.
You cannot keep going back to her indefinately because of the threats, the relationship will never be healthy.It will take alot of strength on your part to finish it and stay away, but its what you must do.
You have made your feelings on where you stand clear so its now up to her how she copes.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, Kirstyteenauntireland  +, writes (26 October 2011):
 Sweetheart...This girl doesn't seem mentally stable I think she needs professional help especially if she's talking about suicide and self harm. I think you should have a serious talk with her about your relationship and how YOU feel about it and how YOU BOTH should work it out! Do you want to be with her? or Do you want to find another? Tell us what you want
Good Luck :)
X
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2011): To start with it sounds like she is TERRIFIED she's going to end up alone. Giving ultimatums is really a bad sign. To me is says "I'm afraid no one will ever marry me and I need to tie somebody to me ASAP". I've been there done that bouth the t-shirt and now I'm pending a divorce. So trust me when I say trust your instincts. There's a story from Sex and the City where the character writes an article stating that men are like taxis when they're ready for marriage their taxi light goes on and the next girl to get in the cab is usually the one he will marry. Your not ready. Done Deal.
Next subject. The issue being her literally bipolar behavior and I would know given the fact that I am bipolar. She needs to see someone. I know that that's a hard thing to bring up...but someone needs to tell her. I bet she would actually enjoy therapy. It's helped me beyond belief. I use to have self-injury tendencies when I was younger and can honnestly say therapy was the best idea for me. She needs professional help. You are not a doctor...you can't take this on yourself.
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