A
male
age
36-40,
*eo999
writes:I will try to make this short. I am 28 years old and recently got out of 5 years serious LTR(lived in together for 5 years). Problem is I was never very much in love with her to start with. I deeply cared about her but never felt that attraction towards her. She on the other hand used to find me very attractive and did lot of romantic stuff for me. I enjoyed hanging out with her, going to dates, all those good stuff but at the same time I used to get crushes for pretty girls I used to meet at work or college. I never cheated on her but I can remember getting attracted to other women's and the urge to date them. I guess they were more of my type. Fast forward, we have broken up for almost a year now, we do stay in touch now and then but I regret the decision. Now I feel like I lost a great person and I wanna start over everything. I keep thinking about her all the time even after a year. But I don't want to act on it because I am scared I will go back feeling how I used to. I want to see her happy. If I go and talk to her, I am sure she will be ok with giving this another shot but again I don't know if I should do this or not. Do you think if we get back together after few months I will go back feeling the same? Anyone with similar experience? Any suggestion?
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male
reader, leo999 +, writes (20 October 2015):
leo999 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEveryone is suggesting the same thing and I agree. I decided not to try again with her. I think it's better for both of us to find someone new and not make the same mistake again.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2015): You cant feel guilty that you didnt love her enough..thats just plain crazy..you had five years to try in ...but most of your messages dont ring true.It seems your all about the yes,the no, and the maybe.
So stick with the truth.
You liked her because she was kind but you wanted to bed other women.
You thought she was a bit below your class and more of a bridging experience.
Five years of gracious indecisiveness on your part.
You are nearly taking my breath away with your condescending attitude about the favour you think you would be doing her if her average looking self agreed future relations with her below average bloke who believed she wasnt good looking enough for him to really try.
Get on your broomstick brother and see if you can find someone else and let the girl go for the real thing.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2015): She probably thinks about you too and thinks you two have to get back together but if you're thinking about her with this regret and you never loved her but only cared about her, then don't go back to her. Younger me would've said yes because I watched too many romantic movies where guys leave the girl but realize they're wrong and realize their true feelings for her. This is real life, idk if you're actually starting to realize your true feelings for her or if this is the guilt speaking to you. I think you should tell her the truth if you haven't already. It will probably allow her to let go easier. Girl's appreciate honesty. She'll either never talk to you again or you guys can end up being good friends. I'm a sucker for love and from how you described her it sounds like she is too so maybe she won't stop talking to you which is a good thing. If you're still feeling like this later on then maybe your feelings are true and you should tell her how you feel before it's too late but for now, either tell her the truth or try hanging out more as friends...or both!
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A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (18 October 2015):
 As the wise Quentin Crisp wrote, the trouble with self sacrifice, which is what you are proposing, is that in the end you will never have given enough.
Go and find someone you really love and make it count. You are prepared to go back because it seems comfortable.
You don't do her, or yourself, any favours by pretending you love someone when everything you write says you don't.
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A
male
reader, leo999 +, writes (18 October 2015):
leo999 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWiseowl, I don't argue with what you said. You are correct. Only reason why I said she would be ok with getting back together is because she hinted that during our last phone conversation. We are actually not in touch but we had our finances together so we communicate when only when necessary. This last time we talked on phone after months and we caught up a little on what's going on each other life. She has moved on with her life as well and doing great but she did hinted a note we could try this one more time.
Also another feeling I am going through is guilt that I pretty much made her assume that I was in love with her for all these years. Trust me I loved her and did romantic/sweet things for her but that was more as I needed to do than something I wanted to do. May be the feeling of guilt is not letting me move on and my minds keeps telling me this time you go back and make her feel the most important person in your life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2015): You never really loved her but you thought it's ok to hold her in a relationship where she's not getting your 100%? Dude I can guarantee you there is someone out there who thinks her the most gorgeous and amazing person on the planet. What right do you have to deny her this? And how are you so sure that she would come back to you? Lastly, what you feel and what pattern you fall into is largely your choice. It's called commitment.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2015): I'm a johnny-come-lately on your post; but once I read it, I had to give my two cents. You never take a person back in hind-sight. You can't just turn on a dime, pickup where you left-off. You hurt her feelings deeply and broke her heart. She forgave you. That's more than you deserve. If you can be totally honest.
If she wasn't good enough for you then; why bother her now that she's had the opportunity to start getting over you? What happened? Did all the pretty girls reject you?
Even if she is being nice, to in spite of breaking-up; you shouldn't get sentimental, or start having second-thoughts.
Aside from seeming very suspicious; you have to consider what you've done to her heart the first time. You're only thinking of yourself. You presume she will take you back? Or is your ego craving a boost? There could be ulterior motives that could be more about your male-ego than your real feelings for her.
You are missing what is real. That's what she had to offer, but you're not in-love with her. Not as she was with you.
So you would only be returning for her to lavish you with love; but you can't reciprocate to the same degree and depth that you receive. It would be taking advantage of her, no matter how you try to frame the picture.
Cherish the friendship; but don't you dare play with her heart. You made a decision. Stick to it. Personally, would you want someone back that wasn't that into you before? I think you're presumptuous or quite conceited to think she'd take you back, really!
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A
male
reader, leo999 +, writes (17 October 2015):
leo999 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for taking time to answer. I do notice everyone is saying it would be a bad idea and I think I agree. I think I mostly miss what an amazing person she was and the way she made me feel special but I failed to make her feel the same esp due to not feeling the attraction towards her. She still doesn't know anything about it nor I will ever tell her, this will hurt and damage her self esteem than the break up. I guess it is really time to let her go off my mind......It's so strange that she has every quality in her that I ever wished for but still somehow I never developed a romantic attraction towards her. Nor she is bad looking women, she is average and so am I.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (17 October 2015):
 The other aunts have given you great advice. I have a different take on this:
I think what you're doing to her NOW is worse than what you were doing when you were with her. You may have formally broken up with her, but you haven't let her go. You're still in contact with her, and you haven't let her move on, nor have you moved on yourself.
I agree with CindyCares in that you had someone who really treated you well. She loved you, and you loved the benefit of that. Having someone who thinks the world of you is intoxicating and wonderful. But to stay with her, you need to feel the same way. She needs to be the one you feel like you can't live without, like oxygen.
It's one thing to notice that other women are pretty, but to want to pursue them while you're with someone, and especially to have that over and over again means that your feelings for the woman you're with weren't all there.
Can that change? Absolutely. But it's more than just missing her and wanting what YOU had back, because it's still selfish. If you fell in love with her, and you can see yourself growing old with her, having a family, looking at her when you're in your 40's and 50's and 60's and realizing that that is what you want, then you've fallen in love. Love doesn't always have to be "at first sight", but it does have to be there.
If you're afraid that if you go back to her, it will return as it was, then it *would*, because you're not in love with her. You have to be at the point of no return, where you look into her eyes and think "I can never go back to the way I was before". People we love change us profoundly, even if the love doesn't last.
My suggestion is to break contact with her, because while you two are in each other's lives, SHE can't move on. You can't move on. If you want to see her happy as you claim, you'll either let her go so that another man can love and cherish her without reservation, OR you'll stop being wishy-washy and get back with her all the way, and start experiencing SELFLESS love, which is so much better than wondering what out there is better.
You've been away from her for a year. I suggest you piss or get off the pot. You've had enough time to pursue a year's worth of pretty girls. You were young before, but you aren't anymore. So make your choice.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 October 2015):
 Yes, I think you will go back feeling the same.
If you haven't fallen in love with her in 5 years....It is also true that not all loves are loves at first sight , and you need time to let people "grow " on you, but 5 years is a long time, and if in 5 years you basically have always felt much affection for her, thet's what you'll feel again, much affection. Passion and "magic " will be always missing.
Now I guess that other readers may tell you, go for it ! passion fades in time anyway and in 20 years of living together no woman will still give you butterflies in the stomach. And they would not be wrong , I guess. But if a dulling down of feelings and emotions is sort of inevitable ( and not necessarily a negative ) in the long run when you start from strong, intense feelings.... imagine where things would go starting like you, from a sort of benevolent, all-rational appreciation for her good qualities. Pretty soon you'd drown in boredom and indifference, and maybe you would resent her for having taken away from you the chance to live a true , passionate love.
You have found a great FRIEND in this girl, and that's what you very naturally miss : the companionship, the camaraderie . And maybe also the ego boost of knowing that there's someone who instead is madly in love with you and thinks you are the bee's knees :). ( Yeah, actually I am pretty sure you would not miss her rhe same , if she had thought of you in the same terms you thought of her : a great guy to hang out with , but not the " real " thing ). But friendship is just ONE part of a happy telationship- then there are other parts that in your case are missing.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (17 October 2015):
I don't think you should try to rekindle this relationship. You may be looking back with the proverbial rose-tinted specs.
I think it would be kinder not to muck her life about again. You said you were never really in love with her, and were in fact attracted to other women. It was a comfortable accommodation perhaps, but now you have the chance to find someone more suitable.
It can take time coming out of a relationship before you are ready to start over with someone new.
Don't jump back in the situation you just got out of.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2015): No offence but my suggestion is its better you dont pursue this urge of yours.. yes it possible you will go back feeling the same old way if you get back with her ..
Secondly say yes to a relationship only if you feel you can be committed to it both emotionally and physically.. else its better to date casually till you are ready to settle down .. There is either 100% commitment or 0% there are no "in betweens"
Lastly ... what really makes you think she will be ready to say yes to you this time around .. ?
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