A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My parents are divorced and I live with my mother and younger brother. The break-up between my parents was extremely sour. My father was never really the "#1 dad" type of figure because he had his issues with a drug addiction. My brother and I never gave up on him, though. Just last year, he suffered a stroke which basically gave him a true reality check after being in the ICU for almost an entire month. My brother and I struggled to get him through physical therapy, paying for medical bills, driving him to his NA meetings, and are currently helping him restart his life. It's been tough but I'm confident that my father has left that dark past of his behind. However, my mother will always hold a grudge for what he put her through. She seems as if she can't ever let go of the past. Sometimes she will make rude comments about him, and it will get to a point where it makes me and my brother uncomfortable.The other day I spoke to her about my feelings towards her making those comments. I asked her to refrain from doing so in the future because it does't make me or my brother feel good hearing bad things being said about my dad. Sometimes we'll hear her talk on the phone with her sister and she will just say extremely negative things about him and his past.She took my comments to her the wrong way. Now she refuses to speak to me. She told my brother that she feels that I'm ungrateful and disrespectful (all because I asked her to stop talking badly about my own father). I don't know what to do at this point because now I feel terrible for even bringing the topic up. She's been very rude to me lately and is completely ignoring me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2019): I feel sorry for children who are in the middle of this type of bad feeling, your mother should show some feeling towards her children as well and refrain from slagging him off in front of you, after all, you are HIS BLOOD and she is NOT! they were married and it did not work out, you are the result and stuck IN BETWEEN even in adult hood.A terrible place for a child/adult to find themselves in,some sad parents are not happy until they get the child to hate the other parent (like they do) and try and place guilt at the door of the child who loves BOTH parents.Sadly she may have had a very bad time with him, but she had some choice, children don't have that luxury..they have to sit and listen to all the bitterness and badness between the married couple.Nothing wrong with asking her to save her bitterness for a time when you are not in ear shot. What you deserve is an apology from Both your parents for a CHILDHOOD that you HAD NO CHOICE in participating in but had to endure.Congratulations for still having a loving nature and nurse maiding you father after his stroke ( not an easy task, I am doing the same now, extremely hard work and no doubt you would have played nurse maid to your mother if she had the stroke.She will always feel her own suffering and expect you who witnessed her suffering to understand, she obviously never witnessed YOUR suffering. SELFISH PARENTS self absorbed in their own hatred, suffering, regrets, anger and failed love.Quote: 'Who are you to tell your parents?' the witness WHO ALSO experienced their life , that's who.
A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (3 March 2019):
 I was in a situation like your mother. My ex husband beat me, cheated on me and didn't pay child support for our daughter until he was forced to by court order when she was 16. He has been married and divorced 5 times. He got remarried 6 weeks after our divorce because his girlfriend was pregnant. Yeah..swell guy. He did not acknowledge my daughter by phone calls, cards or birthday presents the whole time she was growing up. I remarried when she was 4 and moved to Florida. He wasn't allowed to see her unless it was supervised by a member of my family because of his violent nature. My daughter started wanting to know more about him when she was about 18 so she reachd out to him. At first she thought he was funny and pretty cool. It hurt me alot because she didn't of course remember the times he yelled at her, yelled at me, beat me. She was only 2 when we divorced. I stayed out of it..waiting. Eventually she came to the conclusion that he was an immature jerk and not someone that she could depend on. She had to find out on her own.
If your mother has harsh feelings towards your dad I would pretty much bank on it that she has her reasons. He probably was an ass to her. Who are you to tell her how to feel and what to say? Show some respect. You probably have no idea what she went through. Just because you think he's changed isn't going to change what she went through. Think about it from her point of view. She doesn't need to like the man. I think my ex husband is a complete jerk and don't have one nice thing to say about him. He broke my arm and laughed at me while I cried. You get my point? Leave your mom alone. Let her feel what she feels. Apologize.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2019): How would she feel if you spoke about one of her parents in the same manner ?
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (2 March 2019):
 Your mother obviously still feels hurt and anger towards your father but she should respect that he is still your father, regardless of his failings.
Because he let you down in the past and she, effectively, raised you as a single parent, she has some notion that you should show her more loyalty than him.
Do you really need to live with your mother? Can you and your brother not get a place of your own (together if needs be)?
You should ALWAYS treat your mother with respect, but this should be a two-way street as she should also respect YOUR wishes, especially where your father is concerned.
As she refuses to speak to you, I would write her a letter explaining that you will always love both your parents and that, while you totally appreciate how she was there for you when your father failed due to his addiction, your father now needs you and you love both of them.
You cannot stop her discussing your father with others but you can choose to walk away if she runs down your father in front of you. You and your brother need to present a united front on this if possible.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (2 March 2019):
 Give it time. She feels you chose your dad over her. But she needs to know, you can not chose your parents. She is actually the one who chose your father on your behalf. You are stuck with them both. She can choose to end the relationship with him, but it is not such an easy choice for you, and you have to maintain a relationship both to your moter and father. Try to explain this to her. If she chooses to ignore you, then she has made her decision. But you have done nothing wrong.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (2 March 2019):
 Leave her be a while.
He probably DID hurt her tremendously and the trash talk is a way of processing it, but also "recruiting" you guys to not like him either, but also in a really roundabout way trying to warm you so YOU won't get hurt by him too.
She isn't over it because she hasn't really processed it and she gets more attention and sympathy from HATING him.
Some people get "stuck" in the past and REFUSE to move on. It's not always their fault, but they don't seem to understand how their "hate"/"negativity" spreads like poison to others or like rings in the water.
While I get that she doesn't want to see you and your brother get hurt by your dad (if he relapses or what not) she can't prevent it by putting him down.
I think it was a pretty MATURE request from you to your mom.
If she still refuses to talk to you, maybe write her a letter. And if that doesn't work, get her face to face.
She can't change the past by hating him and talking smack about him, and there is NOTHING new she can really say about him as they have been divorced a long time. So all she is doing is repeating old stuff that MAY not be relevant any more.
Just remember, you can't change your dad and you can't change your mom. THEY both have to DEAL with the past and the present and ALL their baggage. Doesn't mean that you can't support them both. You can love and support your mom AND dad without accepting crap from either.
But for now, I'd give her a little space to perhaps process what you REALLY meant. And that perhaps it's time to let the past go.
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