A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:HiThere is a girl I really like, I see her every day. I know I should just ask her out but i am very shy and as much as people tell me to do it i find it hard, but i think I will have the confidence if i see some signs that she is interested. But i feel I am getting quite mixed signals.When i first see her, she isn't that chatty. she will answer what i ask her but doesn't really keep the conversation going. She is very shy. Sometimes she will open up and chat with me for hours and the last 10 days or so things have gotten a lot better (i've had a crush on her for 6 months and had no hope it would be possible until recently). Previously I would see her a few times a week, say hi, how are you etc but the conversation didn't go anywhere. However 2 weekends ago she was more chatty and stayed with me for 4 hours talking about lots of things, the next night was the same. We are both students so I see her in the common room or kitchen usually.In this time we've spent more time together than before, spent several hours talking in the evenings about all sorts of things, we made a cake and decorated it together, i gave her a piano lesson etc fairly random things but she seemed keen to spend time with me, get to know me more and she will sometimes stand very close to me etc. She is from another country and her english isn't perfect, i think she sometimes finds it tough to make the conversation if she isn't 100% relaxed but when she is relaxed she can speak more naturally.When we have time to spend together, she opens up a lot, compliments me a lot, plays with her hair, makes eye contact then looks away and smiles, asks me questions and the conversation flows very well etc. She always likes my posts on social media and is one of the first to see them always. She sometimes messages me on there which is something she has only started to do in the last week.I do a lot of art and she commented on it and I gave her the painting she liked most.I get some signals from her that make me feel she could be interested, but the next time i see her again she has closed off again and I feel i try to encourage the conversation but its hard. Today I saw her and she just wasn't chatty at all, she seemed happy and smiled at me and replied to everything i said with attention, but didn't really try to keep the conversation going.I can't figure out of she is very shy and speaking a foreign language etc or if she is just not into me?She also may not be able to stay in the country after her studies finish so may not be looking for anything.Do you think any of the things i've written suggest I have a chance?I will try to build up the courage to ask her but I'm looking for advice that isn't that as I know that's the obvious thing to do.
View related questions:
confidence, crush, shy Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2019): [EDIT]:
Grammatical correction:
"You would fare better at getting more of a sustained connection with her; if she didn't have to struggle with a language-barrier."
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2019): I haven't taken the time to read the comments from others answering your post to see what their perspective on it is; but from my own perspective I think she's friendly, but not looking for an English or British-born boyfriend. She doesn't want to lead you on; or persuade you to attempt anything romantic. When you try, she pulls-away. I think she's smart enough to read your signals.
She may find you attractive, appreciates your efforts at carrying-on conversation, and offering her your attention; but that's as far as it goes. You may not be her "type." Yet she still likes you. Like anyone else nice to her. Only you're making a more deliberate effort; so you receive more feedback.
It gets lonely being far from home; so you have to be polite and receptive to those who welcome you. Anyone who treats you with kindness; but you're not obligated to date them.
I'm not attempting to burst your bubble, or trying to discourage your pursuits. If you're going to dance around in shyness, what will you ever know for sure?
How can anyone anticipate what kind of reaction you'd get if you actually came-out and asked for a date? That's yet to be determined, until you decide to ask. Maybe a date is fine, but not a romance.
I've dated people who spoke another language; and it sometimes gets a little tiresome or testy, when you're not fully understanding each other. It's fun, but the novelty eventually wears-off. However, you somehow find a universal means of communication that develops over time; which goes beyond the use of words.
Sometimes speaking to people who's first-language isn't yours; they'll/you'll pretend to understand, not to be rude. Yet half the time they have no idea exactly what you're talking about. Not necessarily that they don't understand or speak adequate English; but they may not grasp certain rhetorical concepts, or fully comprehend the context and/or meaning of certain phrases or colloquialisms you use. They'll smile politely, but won't admit it. No one likes to appear stupid. Most people who speak English expect everyone to speak it; no matter where you're from. They'll insist that you should learn it. Not the other-way around.
You said you've spent hours of time together. Perhaps because she was being too polite. Feeling obligated through courtesy, but held captive by circumstance. A situation where she didn't know how to getaway without offending you. So she carried-on conversation until it ran-out. I've personally done that to be friendly; but if the other person wouldn't allow me to leave, I stuck around. That doesn't mean I didn't enjoy their company, but I didn't have any romantic interest. Although I found the person interesting and likeable. That's about it. I owe them at least some time and friendly company.
If she's only on student-visa, she's aware nothing long-term will be established; so she won't encourage romantic-pursuits from locals. Naturally, we are ever mindful of the people we will be introducing to our visiting parents and/or family. Who just may not be as receptive to our chosen associates as we'd like them to be. Therefore, she's somewhat reserved. Then there are religious considerations; where dating outside your religious-culture my be frowned upon. Traditional-parents can be quite heavy-handed.
She is a female, so these social and traditional-restrictions will be strongly enforced by family; and others of her culture living on-campus.
My friend from Kuwait's family does not like him dating non-Muslim American women. He can have any friends he likes. Once he obtains his grad-degree in engineering; he is expected to return to Kuwait, and marry a Kuwaiti woman. No ifs, ands, or buts. He stands to inherit a lot of money, and his father never lets him forget that. He plays soccer with other Kuwaiti students; who report what they see to imams, and some know his family. They're expected to lookout for each other. In simpler terms, spy on each other.
She may think you're only fascinated with the fact she's a foreigner, and captivated by her exotic origins and appearance. You're not likely the only one of your countrymen checking her out. She can only go by what she has experienced thus far. Often that is the case, and she's used to it.
In honesty, I would attribute her aloofness as an indication that she may be more prone to date someone of her own culture or ethnicity; or perhaps someone who has the ability to speak her language. Translating is mentally-exhausting.
Not to mention all the advice and warnings drilled into her head by her parents and family about European men.
You would fair better at getting more of a sustained connection with her; if she didn't have to struggle with a language-barrier. Sometimes you can only relate to a limited degree with someone who doesn't share your culture, traditions, and language.
I may be totally off the mark. You won't know anything until you get-up the nerve to ask her out.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (1 March 2019):
 How do you encourage conversation?? All too often, people make the mistake of stimulating conversation either by talking about a subject and waiting for someone to "jump in" OR they ask closed-ended questions that give a yes or a no answer.
Examples:
1. You - "I went to see this movie last Friday.. it was really great! Have you seen it?"
Her- "No, I haven't".
You - "..."
Okay, conversation over?
Another example:
2. You - "Did you know that it's supposed to snow five inches of snow tomorrow?"
Her - "Yes, I heard something about that"
You - "I'm so sick of snow, aren't you??"
Her - "Oh yeah."
You and her - "..."
What else is there to say??
__________________
Switch to "open-ended" questions instead to get to know her better. Observe something about her that you think she'd be interested in talking about! Example:
You: "Hey! I didn't know you're a fan of XYZ Music group. That's great! I am too! When did you start listening to them?"
Her: "Oh! I have a friend who got me into XYZ and have been listening to them ever since"
You: "Oh yeah? Which song is your favorite?"
Her: "Names song"
You: "**sings a little of it** Oh great choice! What do you think of **names another song**"
Her: **smiles** Oh yeah! From the XYZ self-titled, right?
See?? Much better conversation!
If she's creative, you have a better "in" with her. Example:
You: "Who made your scarf around your neck?"
Her: "I did."
You: "Are you serious? I have always admired people who are creative like that! How long have you been crocheting?"
Her: "Since I was 10, my grandma and me used to do it together before she died, and she was really good at it."
You: "That's amazing and a good way to remember by. How long did it take you to crochet that scarf?"
Her: "Oh, I did it a few weeks ago, remember when it snowed really badly?"
You: "Yeah! I got stuck at home all day, so I did a few chores I was putting off. So what do you do when you're not crocheting?"
__________
See the difference?? Ask things that stimulate a better and more in-depth answer, and build off of it. Be interested in EVERYTHING she says, even if you personally aren't *into* what she's talking about. Validating someone's interests is a really good way of getting them interested in YOU! People love to talk about themselves, even if they say they don't.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2019): Hi again, original poster here.
The last few days she seemed distant, whereas before when we spoke there was a lot of eye contact and she would open up, in the last 3 days after we spent a few hours playing piano together, she was not the same. she would stare at the wall and not ask me anything to keep the conversation going.
I found out yesterday that she has liked a guy for months (she actually moved to live in the same student accommodation because of him so she must have really liked him) and yesterday asked him and he rejected her. She didn't tell me this but our mutual friend told me and he seemed quite happy about it and she didn't seem upset either.
They got the bus back from university together and it seems an odd conversation for them to have in that short time.
He asked me if i knew why she moved to this accommodation, so i said no and then he told me that story. I dont know if it was common knowledge she moved her because she liked a guy or not.
He kept trying to talk about her to me and when i asked if she was upset he said "no why would she be upset?" The mutual friend came to talk to me and the first thing he told me was about this and then told me this is what he was talking to her about in the corridor outside before coming into the room i was in. I have no idea why he felt the need to explain it to me and the situation seemed weird. He kept saying things like I should have seen what she looked like when she was running for the bus. I wonder if he likes her too but i'm 99% sure he is gay ( I would pretty much bet all my money on it).
However after this conversation, i saw the girl i like and she was a lot more open, laughing, complimented my cooking, smiling, asking questions etc, asked if i liked go-karting and said she was going with her friends and then said next time we could go together. I foolishly thought she meant everyone in our group of friends so mentioned i'm sure everyone would like to go, and only realised later she could have been asking to go with just me. But i made up for it later by asking her if she would like to visit another city with me one day when she is free (as she said she wants to go there) and she seemed quite surprised by me asking but she said yes. So once we find a suitable day i will arrange it with her.
She seemed too happy to have just been rejected by a guy she apparently had a crush on for 6 months and the behaviour of our mutual friend just seemed weird.
I feel happier because at least now i know that she probably wasn't that available before but maybe now would be but feel the situation doesn't really add up so i'm not sure at all.
I'm probably projecting what i want into the situation but i wonder if she liked this guy, felt i was interested so wanted to try one last time with him before considering someone else as it seems odd she would ask him now after not doing it for 6 months and doing it just as things between me and her improved a lot.
Any thoughts?
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2019): Actually it depends where she is from. If she is Asian or from the Middle East, women from those places are naturally shy and reserved and the cultural difference can be a barrier when talking to others, but from your post one can assume she is interested in you however only you can tell by talking to her if she only wants friendship or more. TBH I dont see any problem you have since you are already talking to here. Ask here what are her future plans and if there is anyone waiting for her back home ask her about her family and her culture .
...............................
A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (1 March 2019):
 How good is her English? I think she may be struggling to find something to say as she doesn’t fully know how to, so rather than mess up what she’s thinking, doesn’t say it at all.
I think the simple fact that she’s started to come out of her shell a bit more with you seems like a good sign. That she’s comfortable around you and happy to talk even though she may find it difficult.
Just ask her something light. Something like a drink, or bite to eat or somewhere where you share a common interest and take it from there. If she says no, then you know she was just being friendly, if she says yes, then it looks promising.
Good luck
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (1 March 2019):
 Instead of building up to something "big", why not just ask her to see a film or for a coffee or something else she would like to do? Visit an art gallery perhaps, if you both like art? Not an official "date" as such, but just spending time together. You are both shy so this would be easier for both of you.
Never underestimate how difficult it is to have to think in a different language. Also English is one of the most difficult languages when learning pronunciation. (Just think bough - cough - dough - enough - all same ending but different spelling, just for starters.) She may just have days when she is mentally tired and not up to thinking in another language. Why not ask her about HER language and ask her to teach you a few words and phrases?
To be frank, if she didn't like you she would not be spending hours talking with you and baking cakes, shyness or no shyness.
...............................
|
