A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello guys. Been married for 10 years now. Have a 4-year-old son.Recently found out my husband had bought gifts for another guy and I'm wondering if he's gay based on that alone.The gifts were ostentatious ones; some expensive shirts from a high-end brand, cufflinks that cost over $200, expensive chocolates, Italian wine, and also sent him a check for $5,000, with money from our bank account; plus an expensive suit in his size.I only found out because someone had seen him delivering gifts to a guy up the road.The same night I confronted him and asked him what the hell was going on, was he having a gay affair but he denied it, said it was crazy talk.He claimed the guy was a good friend and he was repaying the favor because the guy did some yardwork redesigning a bit of the backyard for me as a surprise (yes... I like getting new plants for the yard and enjoying it, we live in the Sunshine State and where we live is nice!).You wouldn't go to this length to thank a doctor for treating you, or a waitress would you? Wouldn't it come across as creepy?I thought I knew my husband. We'd been friends since we were 13. Now I'm questioning if I ever knew him.I feel concerned by buying ostentatious gifts.Am I paranoid, or could he be having an affair with the local yard-repair laborer?Bear in mind, this guy has a wife and kids, I've met them at local yard sales in the neighborhood; heck, he's even run the local yard sale.This guy's 15 years older than my husband; my husband is 38, this guy's 53, but gets told he looks a lot younger than it.Also, the other guy's Mexican-American, my husband's white.I'm now suspicious they're either in some sort of relationship or my husband's got a stalker-ish crush on him.What the hell should I do? He's never shown attraction to other guys before, previously claimed "Me having attraction to other dudes, that survey is fucking wrong when it claims most men have had some passing or fleeting attraction to the same sex", he was talking about an obscure in-flight magazine article published a few years ago when we were on vacation here.I've got friends I can talk to about it, but am too embarrassed to discuss this with them. After all, it ain't the topic you can discuss with girlfriends over coffee is it?Please help this girl.
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female
reader, QueenCupcake  +, writes (4 June 2022):
 Okay, I understand thanking someone with a few gifts, or money. But this just seems a bit excessive! I’m not sure if he’s actually gay, or in a relationship with this guy, as there aren’t really enough signs to indicate that. But it is so strange nonetheless. And he really shouldn’t be spending money like that without consulting you if you guys have joint accounts.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (3 June 2022):
 Firstly, separate your finances.
How can he think GIVING someone $5,000 without ASKING you first is OK? (unless you two have so much money that 5,000 is a drop in the ocean).
Ethnicity has nothing to do with this whatsoever, I'm not sure why you felt a need to bring up that the guy is Mexican-American, and your husband is white. So what?!
You ask if this means your husband could be gay. Nothing in the post really gives me the notion that YES he must be cheating and be gay for this dude.
What it seems like to me is that your husband paid this guy "under the table"? for landscaping and then helped him with a nice suit, shirt, and cufflinks and I would GUESS (just a guess here) that the chocolate and wine were for the wife - did they have some kind of anniversary? Maybe the guy mentioned it and your husband felt it was a nice gesture?
How do you two deal with purchases in general?
Do you two budget? And if you do, do you stick to it?
Do you two discuss when either of you wants to spend money over a certain amount? If so, HE should have discussed the cost of the suit AND the 5,000 with you. Hands down.
If you two generally do NOT do this, then perhaps it's something to consider doing.
Also with the budget thing, IF you budget, how can he presume spending $5,000+ without TALKING to you is OK?
I think the financial side of this is a bigger issue than his sexual orientation. Even if BOTH can affect you and your family too.
TALK to him.
I would not bring up the "gay" question with him. I would start with the finances.
Does he spend more time WITH this guy? Does he spend more time ON his phone? Does he come and go at odd hours all of a sudden, started to work out? Changed his looks and grooming habits? Does he want less sex with you? Does he spend less time with you and your son? Does he lie about where he is when he isn't home?
Now THOSE would be questions I would consider if cheating is involved.
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