A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have been separated for four years and are currently going through a divorce, which will be complete about a month from now. We were separated so long because I was waiting for him to turn 65. He was on my health insurance, and he will be 65 in September. But it was definitely over. We have no children, and just before my divorce began, I met a man who asked me out. I wasn’t looking for anyone, but we hit it off. We have several mutual friends. He told me he thought we were made for each other. He told me he didn’t know that sex could be as special as it was with me. He sent me sweet text messages almost every day. We agreed that we were exclusive, and he told me couldn’t stand the thought of being cheated on because his first wife, to whom he had been married 19 years, had done that to him. We spent every weekend together from Friday evening to Sunday afternoon. We went to France together for a week in May, and I have been to dinner with him and his parents several times and met his three grown children.We dated for about six months, and it was great. A few weeks ago, just before I filed divorce papers for my previous marriage, this man I was seeing, who is a lawyer, suggested we not see each other until the divorce was final in order to avoid any complications while the divorce was still in process. I agreed that it was probably a good idea. At first, I was sad because I thought we wouldn’t be in contact, but he said he wanted to stay in contact. He said our temporary situation had nothing to do with how he felt about me, and he cared about me. We have been together a couple of times since then, but we’re not spending every weekend together right now. I even left some items his house that I used while there, and he agreed to keep them for me.However, the last couple of weeks he’s been distant. At first, he didn't text me as often as he used to. He went to Colorado to see his brother, and when he returned, he didn't text me for two days. I sent him a text, asking if he was ok and telling him I missed hearing from him. He texted me back a few hours later, saying he had not been sleeping well and was also utterly exhausted from a trip to his brother’s house across the country this past weekend. Then after that, he stopped texting me. I sent him a Facebook message a couple of days later, asking him if I had done something to offend him, and he replied the next day, saying no, I had not done anything to offend him; he had "just been having to sort through some things." We haven't communicated since then, but we are still Facebook friends, and he still occasionally clicks that he "likes" my links and photos. A couple of days ago, he forwarded a cute e-mail to me. I saw him last night at a musical event in town, but we didn't really speak. My girlfriends said they thought he didn't look happy. I also told them I wondered if he were seeing someone else, but I am certain he's not. He's on Facebook at odd weekend hours lately, and my friends, who have known him longer than I have, said they have not really known him to date anyone in the 15 years since he's been divorced. I'm the first person they've seen him with.Some things important to know:--- Our ages. I'm in my 30s. This guy is 60 years old, not some twenty-something player. He is losing his hair and has to take Cialis. (No matter, I love him deeply.) He told me I'd have to be patient about the latter (sex) with him when we first got together. He said he had to get past some emotional blocks from his previous marriage (the way his wife neglected him sexually for the last year). He said it had nothing to do with his feeling about me, just some baggage he's got and was trying to figure out how to work through, but he hadn't ever really had a situation where he had that opportunity. He said he hoped it won't be a problem for me, but if it was, he'd understand. I was patient with him . We worked through it, and the sex was wonderful. --- He did not know when we first went out that I was separated and about to go through a divorce. I told him about my situation on the second date, so he did not "prey" on me. Early on, he told me he couldn't say, "Hey let's go the movie" because he didn't want to create an uncomfortable situation for me, but that didn't mean he didn't want to see me. He said he guessed he was digging a hole for himself. He also told me early on that he worried about my legal situation and didn't want me to have any difficulties. --- He was very sweet for a long time in both text and Facebook messages. He told me he didn't really believe in fate but Sometimes, though, he'd "like to . . . for instance, where I was concerned. "--- After I thanked him for his Valentine's Day gifts, he told me in a message that he felt lucky to have met me and that things had developed like they had. He said he tended not to be the sentimental type, but he did think I was a pretty special lady and he looked forward to the time we spent together. --- Regarding his ex-wife, he did tell me what he thought broke apart their marriage and probably led to her seeing someone else was his tendency to take for granted after their three children were born. He focused more on them--or at least that's how she felt. He said he was pretty wary of relationships after being married for 19 years and being cheated on. --- When we first got together, I told him about being paranoid about getting heartbroken because of a previous relationship when someone simply stopped responding to me and shut me out of his life. He said, "Don't be paranoid. No need... I'm not the heartbreaking type. I'm usually on the other end of that."Anyway, I am heartbroken by the lack of communication and the distance of late while he's been "sorting through some things." What does this mean? What should I do? I really want to ask him to talk, but I don't want to push him away. Should I ignore him or ask him to talk? I'm really hurting. We have a book club together this Thursday, but I have a feeling he won't show up.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, after having ignored him for a while, I received the following e-mail from him about 12:15 a.m. I guess this is a break-up letter, but I don’t know. He says his feelings are “complicated.” But then he also says something “was missing.”
I wonder if the intensity was too much. We were spending every weekend together—HIS idea early on. I felt a little suspect about it.
I wonder, too, if the fact that I am about to be divorced and “available” scares the hell out of him. (I’m certainly NOT looking to be married again anytime soon.)
What should I do? Reply to his e-mail? Ignore him for a while longer and see what he does? Ask him to talk in person?
I don’t know how to respond—or if I even need to respond.
------
Here's the e-mail:
"I don't know what the right forum is for this, or whether it is just better to say nothing at all, but my feelings about my relationship with you are complicated. I'm not seeing anyone else, and that's not an issue, and I'm not upset about anything that you've done, but after the situation with Mike came up, I began to examine what was going on between us, and it seemed clear to me that you were bringing a lot more emotion and passion into the relationship than I was. This wasn't anything intentionally deceitful on my part, it just was the emotional hand I was dealt. But, I began to feel a little uncomfortable with this, maybe a crisis of conscience, but it didn't really seem fair or right to you.
"As I'm writing this, I think maybe I need to have my head examined, for you're a beautiful lady, smart, interesting, we have so many things in common -- I couldn't go to the drawing board and some up with a more ideal woman. And the sex -- that's been pretty incredible. The time I have spent with you has been wonderful.
"But, something was missing for me. Why, I don't know. I'm not sure I can explain the reasons. I'm not sure if it had to do with the fact that I hadn't really had a real relationship in 15 years and the thought of it still kinda scares the hell out of me, if I'd kinda gotten set in my ways during this time, if it's that I was having a hard time opening after my divorce (I know I have a problem with this; defense mechanism, I guess). It's certainly nothing you did or didn't do. All I know is this is what I'm feeling, and it has been troubling me.
"I certainly don't relish hurting you -- I'm sorry about that -- but I haven't really known how to address this issue, and I didn't think things needed to go on as they were. I guess maybe it would be better to address these issues in person, rather than by e-mail, but I'm not sure I could remember all this if we were talking in person and things got emotional. I told you this was complicated; at least it is for me. I don't know whether addressing these issues like this makes you feel better or worse, but I'm hoping trying to explain things will be better in the long run. I do think you are a special person."
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (20 August 2012):
 I can offer some help with how men think,... and what we think about....
When a man clams up and sez he has to "sort some things out".... he means that he is going to ignore you and retreat to his man-cave to see if he can come up with a sweeter tart to satisfy his cravings.....
The "sort some things out" infers that this is some short-term occurance.... for which YOU will hold out hope that he will "unclam" and return to you... HOWEVER,....
... the odds of that (happening) are only about 50/50.
You can sit around and let him go through his machinations... OR, you can tell him.... "OK, have at it sorting things out... but, in the meantime, I'll sort out MY "things," too...."
Good luck...
...............................
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