A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi Everyone, I need help please.I need to make a decision about my home soon but I'm worried that it will have a knock on effect onto any potential relationship. I live in London in an area that I've been in for 15 years now. Eleven years ago I bought a wreck of a flat and did it up slowly with no budget. It is now really lovely but I may have to leave. Reason is I've put everything 'on the line' to get my PhD and change career but I haven't yet got a permanent job. I've somehow miraculously managed to get this far after raising my child single-handedly. I've no family and when my family were alive I was estranged from them because they were abusive towards me. I've no savings and the tiniest of pensions.So far I've had several stints of the work I love - all through recommendations all temporary. Everyone in this field knows, all jobs that are officially advertised but often have already taken by an inside candidate. I know that this is the work that I was born to do - it's what I've always wanted and not being able to get a foot in the door earlier on in my life (due to responsibility for my child and not being able to take on the part-time or temporary stints that you have to usually start with because I had to work full time in other jobs) has cost me dearly. Doing other kinds of work has literally caused me so much stress that I became physically burned out and ill and I know that psychologically and physically I can't put myself through that again - I'm not being self indulgent, I work incredibly hard, but I just can't put myself through that kind of work because it affected me so badly.Anyhow, the thing is that over the last few years my health has not been good due to the sheer amount of stress I've experienced over my lifetime so far. Stress really affects me bodily and I get one flu after another for years on end - I've had to do a lot of work to find ways to reduce as much stress as I can, but there are still things I need to work on - but the main thing that I can't tackle is the stress of being lonely. I have a few friends but I can't go out much either due to my health issues or due to lack of money and with no family and no partner I get very down when I'm not working either - really can go for days without speaking to anyone and the fact that almost everyone around me seems to have loads of friends doesn't help me to feel better. No-one would ever guess this because when I'm working or when I do meet up with people I'm so happy to be out and active that I seem very happy and okay. I really am so much happier when I'm doing the work I love.Soon I will not be able to afford to pay my mortgage and will probably have to leave the flat that I've worked so hard on. Governmental cuts mean that competition for jobs in my field is extremely fierce and those that have got jobs are not budging. I really love the area that I live in - it has now drastically improved since I first bought my flat and is considered a very desirable area. I feel very safe here and because I live alone and have no family safety is very important to me.The only choice that I have, it seems, is to sell up and buy a very cheap flat in a really not very nice part of the city - further out and not anywhere that I'd choose to live in if I could help it. To do this I will have to come out of the property market for a while and make myself a cash buyer - but I've nowhere to go meanwhile. It's the only way I will get another place though. I'm trying to be positive about this and think of it as an opportunity to become mortgage free, but I'm actually worried about the stress of moving and having to do up another flat - although hopefully this time with a budget.Can anyone help to make me feel more positive about this? I really am trying and know I should feel lucky to be able to buy any property for cash and it means that any money I do earn will go on 'nice' things - I can put it towards my pension and go on holiday, help my now grown up child and basically buy normal things that I've gone for years without eg. books and music and nice weekends away and so on. In many senses it could be a really good thing to do. I'm really good at doing up property now and could potentially make profit and then move on again. Part of me feels excited by this but another part of me absolutely dreads it because of how difficult my past has been.However, the major thing is - and I know this may sound nuts - that I really want to start a new relationship with someone who has good values and good standards. My ex partner was abusive and expected me to put up with a very low standard of living and to just keep trudging away. I really feel that if I met someone now whilst I have my lovely flat in the lovely area then this would help to get a relationship off on the right track by sending out a good message. I know you could argue that if I move home to the 'bad' area I could still attract someone with good values, but I don't think so - I'm very attuned to how guys can 'hone in' even without realising it onto a woman who is in a vulnerable situation and thereafter expect her to accept bad treatment and a low standard of living. I was guilt tripped all my childhood and early adult years by incredibly puritanical parents who made me feel bad about owning anything or wanting anything, so when I say my current flat is lovely what I mean is that it is but it's also relatively humble - its taken me years to learn how to accept that I can buy an ornament or two without guilt and years to accept having nice things around me, but even so I don't want any 'show case' home, just a nice one. If I have to start from scratch again in a bad area I'm worried that this will send out a signal to any man that I will accept bad treatment because I've no choice.I know this probably all sounds bonkers and I should just get on with it, but if anyone has any other ideas or any other insights I'd really appreciate that right now.
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female
reader, Full moon temptress1 +, writes (12 March 2013):
Hi, reading your post, you sounded like me.Single mom in her 40s, love living in my flat but struggling to pay the mortgage, only can find part time work.
What I did was move my daughter into my room and rented my daughters room out to foreign students.I chose older students as I didn't want to be responsible for another child.The beauty of it is thet are out most of the time as they have activities, and you have them on a weekly or monthly basis.So if you wanted a week off, you can.You have more control than having a lodger in who you may not get on withContact your local English school.They are usually crying out for host families.
Good luck.
A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (12 March 2013):
 Hi
So you put everything on the line to do your Phd,but now can't find work in your chosen field,so, will need to sell your home ? Is that right..
Why not rent out your childs room until you find work,if they have left home it's empty I assume.
If you prefer to live alone and there is no way you can stay where you are, well move you must.By the sounds of it after making a massive profit from the sale.You have worked hard for that money too.
As for meeting a man, is it really that important where you live, especially in London. It's hard to meet anyone in this city, that goes for the men too, so I think your worrying over nothing.If they judge you on your location then they really aren't worth knowing.
It's so expensive to rent or buy in London that most people share,or commute from outside,if they don't, it's because they're very rich!
Why not just go for the commute to work, buy somewhere in the country,do it up,if *you* don't want the bad city areas.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2013): It's not very clear why do you need to move out? Are you out of work? I reread it several times and still can't understand if you have a job or not at all. So while you are looking for a proper job for yourself, you are not working at all? Is that the reason why you can't afford your home?Why can't you have tenants? I'm sure rent in London is not cheap at all. Why not rent one room out and keep on paying for your lovely flat?I'm really puzzled by your post. It would never even occur to me that a man would actually pay any attention to area where i live, unless I live in a shelter. How it can possibly influence anyone's attitude toward you? And if there Re such men exists than there is no need for you to even think of them. The only message anyone would ever get is the one you choose to send. You out of all people must feel so secure and accomplished, but instead this incredible volnerability that you displayed makes me thinking that you need to address lots of issues that you have with yourself.You are actually making yourself ill with endless worries. You are a very strong woman, only raising a child by yourself speaks a lot of you, not mentioning your highest education. It's very hard to be alone, I agree on that, but the way you approach it is not a very easy approach. You DECIDED that it's time to find someone. And now you are finding all kinds of reasons that will sabotage it for you. Your flat, neighborhood are not the reasons why you can't find a man who will treat you with respect. Good luck
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