A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My bf just finished his PhD degree and he is working now. Besides work, he is living a lazy and slightly depressed lifestyle which he carried on from PhD. I hate it because I feel my relationship with him has low passion and I don't know what to do with it.We have been dating for almost a year and I feel I was patient during the first year of our relationship. I was very supportive and low maintenance because I understood that he was bearing a lot of pressure from his dissertation and he told me that he would become a better bf after PhD.He used to enjoy photography, hiking, and movies, which he hasn't been doing for years because of PhD. I guess he had aged during the past few years and he no longer likes those activities any more. However, neither of us realized that until recently.Before he finished PhD, for almost a year, we only had one romantic date. less than 5 theater movies, and some casual dinners. We did spend a lot of time together in his lab, working on his PhD.As soon as he finished PhD 2 mo ago, we became long-distance, and that was how things became complicated. I am mainly the causer of our unhappiness because I have a higher expectations, which he did not appreciate/approve.in Sep there was a drastic change in my life and career choice, so I was facing a lot of pressure and uncertainty. When I saw him by the end of Sep, I expecting a romantic/warm shelter from him because that was the first time I saw him after he finished PhD plus we did not see each other for 2 weeks. However, I was left alone at his home during his work hours, and we did not do anything special. I complained a lot which caused him to hate me. One night during that visit, I was at my friend's place, but I missed him so much so I took a midnight train for an hour to visit him. When I got at the station near his house, he said he was tired and asked me to go to my parents' house which was in the same city.in the beginning of Oct, I visited him again. He invited me during a nice video chat, so I booked tickets. However, afterwards, I noticed that he did not seem to want me to go. So I argued with him, tried to get a clear answer from him. The night before my flight, I was not sure if I should go and his attitude was ambiguous. I did go eventually, but I wasn't able to reach him until he called me from skype to ask where I was an hour after the plane had landed. By that time, I already asked a friend to pick me up. I was a bit sarcastic when I told him I was with a friend, and he hang up on me. I was not able to reach him for 2 days:sad2::sad2::sad2: 2 days later, he emailed me and picked me up from my friends' the next day. His excuse was he left his cell at his work so he did not get my voice mails, and he did not want to fight with me. I was really hurt, and mentally gave up on our relationship. So for the rest of my visit, I became the old nice girl with no expectation. I helped him to clean his apt when he was gone at work, and did not say a word when we ate delivered pizza and safeway sandwiches for dinner everyday. I bought him lotion when I was at the mall by myself. I simply drank some wine and went to bed when I was bored at night. He realized it and asked me not to but he did not take me out until our last night when he took me to a semi-fancy dinner.We had a hard time saying goodbye at the airport, it was very sweet and I felt he loved me so much. He told me that he felt sorry for what he did. He did not know that I went back for him, he thought I was just homesick and wanted to see my friends. I feel ever since my visit, he had changed, so did I, toward an opposite direction. We started to chat via text msg during the day and skype for an hour at night, and he would say really nice things such as he thought I was the best gf and he missed how we were happy together. At the same time, I am feeling distant. I cannot think of things that I want to say to him. I don't even miss him any more. I feel it's more fun to hang out with my girl-friends than to spend time with him. Yet, he is a decent guy and I did have good time with him so I tried to tell him that I might have stopped liking him and we should work on our relationship a bit more. He was mad and thought I was dramatic.I do want to give him a second chance. I feel what I want are some roses over the mail or some thoughtful presents, which I never got from him. He has work everyday but I wish he could come visit....although at this moment roses and presents would be enough. I told him that I wanted some surprise and I said I could do the same. He did not want to spend money and asked me to save the money for airplane tickets. He is experiencing a very low passion in his life, not just me. I am so exhausted. In my mind, he is the best among all guys I know. Our anniversary is coming, although I do not care any more, I still hope that I will get some surprise from him, which is not likely to happen. Am I too demanding? or our relationship has become really bad. Meanwhile he is a nice guy, very polite and patient. He also does not flirt with other girls or go clubbing.
View related questions:
anniversary, at work, clubbing, depressed, flirt, money, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (13 October 2010):
 well you need to be truelly honest with yourself, do you love this man and are you wanting to spend the rest of your life with him?
Its not about you being demanding, everyone has different expectations in a relationship and if he is not doing the things that you would like him to so then ask yourself are you going to settle for this? As its highly unlikely he is going to change.
He doesnt sound the romantic type and maybe that is what you need. He doesnt seem to show you very well how he cares and feels for you. You need to look at your relationship and ask yourself are you going to settle with this or move on. You say sometimes you dont even miss him, this shows to me that your relationship is under huge strain at the moment and both of you need to put in the effort and work to make it right.
|
