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My family want me to forgive my dad for sexually abusing me!

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Question - (13 October 2010) 11 Answers - (Newest, 7 January 2011)
A female United Kingdom age 41-50, anonymous writes:

I was sexually abused by my father when I was little and I kept it to myself until few months ago. I told my mother and my father's sister. My mother refused to believe me which hurt me so much. My aunt sort of believed me and spoke to my mother about it. I've never liked my father and now I don't like my mother either. Never been close to them. My mother wasn't shocked to hear and she pretends nothing has happened. I still phone her against my wishes, she lives abroad and I am the only child. My family puts pressure on me to forgive my father and talk to him. They bring God into everything. It upsets me so much, how can you talk to someone who has sexually absued you? I think about it every day and it makes me sad. I wish I didn't have parents like them. I can't bring myself to call them 'Mum' and 'Dad'. Am I being normal?

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A male reader, Alysher7 United Kingdom +, writes (7 January 2011):

.. I think you shouldn't forgive him, unless he go to a psychologist and fix his sick-thoughts and you believe he regreted enough to forgive him!! I believe he made your life a disaster .. my sister have the same :( we have a very bad father, we been abused all our childhood!! all of us have issues with our personalities, either stress or anger mangment .. I fought with him and since that day I didnt live in the family home which was like 6 years ago .. I feel very strange to call him my father or DAD! I can't stand even talk on the fone with him. All of us adults now and all that things stopped, my sister has 4 kids and she really moved in her life - she is very stronge and she is like our mum as she is the oldest .. but you cant put back the shattered glass to normal!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2010):

No one can force forgiveness from you. It has to come from you when you are ready to give it.

Life is too short to hold grudges and be angry with people. And you will HAVE to forgive those that have harmed you, you don't have to forget.

But you cannot live a healthy life if you have hate in your heart that you refuse to deal with.

What happened was terrible, inexcusable. But if you don't forgive at some point, then you are still letting your father hurt you all these years later. You will not trully escape until you let go of that anger and hurt and pain.

This has nothing to do with religion. You don't need to worship a deity to understand the power of forgiveness.

Flynn 24

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A female reader, mystiquek United States + , writes (13 October 2010):

mystiquek agony auntI've had problems with my family my whole life, (not as serious as yours but just hurtful). I've never forgotten a conversation I had with an older gentleman once, a very wise man. He told me that people are always told that they should love their family and accept them even if the family member is not nice..ect....but why? You don't get to chose your parents, your siblings, and guess what? Some of us get TERRIBLE families! Every since he told me that, I've felt better. I don't like my immediate family, they have caused me intense hurt and grief, and luckily I live almost 2000 miles from them. Am I sad? yes. Do I feel guilty? No. Why? Because they hurt me deeply and some hurts go so deep that you really can't "forgive and forget".

Point being..don't feel badly that you don't want to be around or speak to your parents. What happened to you was horrific, and no one has to deal with the pain on the level that you have had to, or are still dealing with. If it makes you feel better not to be in contact with them, then don't. It doesn't matter what anyone else says or feels. You have to deal with in the best way that you can.If it means no contact, then so be it. I know how hurtful it is to cut contact with family, but sometimes, its sadly the only way to survive.

I'm sorry for the incredible pain that you have gone through. I would suggest counselling just for your own peace of mind. It might really help you.

Don't be ashamed that you don't want to talk to or see your dad. Any normal person would feel the same, believe me. I hope you find peace.

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A male reader, the_phoenic United Kingdom +, writes (13 October 2010):

what you have been to

is realy hard and i can understand your feelings

but forgiving your father well give you a big relief

and well give the great feeling of inner peace

as having hatered towords him well not change the past

thus well keep you always in agony...you deserve better

my dear, give it a try ..

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A male reader, CaringGuy United Kingdom +, writes (13 October 2010):

Totally normal. My mother went through a horrific childhood, and it has affected the rest of her life. However, she says her best decision was to cut contact with them.

Don't ever forgive him unless YOU want to. You are not here to pander to them. And every time they bring God into it remind them of three things.

1 - 'Suffer little children come unto me"

2 - "If God is forgiving, then he will forgive me for cutting my father out, because he will know it was the right thing to do"

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A reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2010):

Your behavior is so normal,it's you who is in the shackles of destruction.P[ay no mind to them and move on with your but if you think you can forgive your parents then do.I was a victim of a closely related problem and it shattered my life how much more now that it's from your own dad.

Find something worthwhile to love and carry on with living your life to the fullest.

I hope this helps,be strong.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2010):

Oh my goodness that was like reading about myself!

I have ostracised myself from my family for 6 years after telling my mother that my dad abused me as a child. She did not believe me and called me a liar. I had since my daughter was born never ever let my father hold her and asked my mother why she thought that was. She just said she wondered why but no way did my father do that.

I phoned an aunt (who is religious as are my mothers side of the family) she said thanks for phoning but we are very disappointed with you for what you have done to your father. You have made him very ill with your accusations and even if he did, you should not leave it hanging in the air. My grandparents are in their 90s and they wont contact me either. Life now is just myself and my daughter.

I know where you are coming from and I am so sorry that they think the man is the victim - it is you who is the victim not him! what a crazy world we live in

You are perfectly normal!! xx

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A male reader, Cerberus_Raphael Sweden +, writes (13 October 2010):

Cerberus_Raphael agony auntYou are being absolutely normal, they have no right to force forgiveness from you, especially for something that is so unforgivable. Even God would not allow for something so vile to pass, they were wrong to misuse the word of God and you cannot force yourself to forgive anyway neither can they force you. I say they are supporting the wrong person and they are in denial. I am afraid you will just have to decline their plea and their nagging. Just ignore them and move on with your life to better and happier things.

I hope that helps.

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A female reader, kih88 United States +, writes (13 October 2010):

kih88 agony auntIt's very much in your right to be upset, and you are being totally normal. You say you keep dwelling on the abuse and are upset by it, which is normal to an extent for sexual abuse victims, but are you coping well and otherwise able to lead on a fairly satisfied life? Have you ever seeked counseling, or do you think you need it? I only ask because first and foremost you should take care of yourself and I hope you are doing well.

About what your family is asking you to do...I personally feel they are being very insensitive to your feelings. I'm sure the reason your mom didn't believe you before is because, as your dad's wife, the idea of him sexually abusing his own daughter must have seemed pretty much impossible to her and to preserve her marriage, maybe she was just in denial and would rather think you were making it up. It's good that you got some support from your aunt. Honestly, if you do not feel comfortable forgiving your father, then don't. If you did forgive him, I would hope you were doing it as a way to give yourself closure, acknowledge that the abuse happened, and then move on with your life, but for your parents to expect you to forgive them and then carry on like you're a normal family again is unrealistic and cruel to ask of you.

Do what is comfortable for you; bringing God into the situation is just a way for your family to justify why you should forgive him, but forgiveness should come out of your own heart willingly, not because God wants you to be forgiving. You say that you only keep in contact with your mother but its against your wishes, and you do not like your father. I'm not a counselor, but if you makes you very upset and you see no way of repairing the relationship you have with your parents (if you even want to repair it), then I would say you should cut ties--but that is a big to ask someone to do to their family, even if their family has done unforgivable things. What might be best is to see a counselor, because he/she might give you better advice about how to get closure and maybe better the relationship you have with your family.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2010):

You really need to get some professional help to work through the overwhelming feelings that you are left all alone to deal with. Do NOT talk to your dad! It will bring back too many horrible feelings, find a counselor to help you confront your dad and make him acknowledge how very, very wrong this behavior is and perhaps get an apology from him. Forgiving him would be good for your soul, but you can't just flippantly wave a magic forgiveness wand...it doesn't work that way.

I hate to ask but, does your father still have access to young girls that he can abuse? He must be stopped if he is continuing to hurt girls!!! Please reach out and help any child if that may be in this situation, PLEASE

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A female reader, fi_the_tree United Kingdom +, writes (13 October 2010):

fi_the_tree agony auntI think you have every right to stay angry at your 'father' for what he did to you. I think the main reason why your family are suggesting you reconcile, is because time is running out for your mother and father, and they don't want to see you alone and unhappy after they are gone.

As long as you have accepted the fact that yes it did happen all those years ago, and that you don't let it rule your life, it is perfectly acceptable for you to never speak to him ever again! I would probably feel the same if i was in your position.

I hope i have been of some help to you, i wish you luck x

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