A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I really need help to make a very big decision - that is to leave my husband. I am 35 - no children. What I guess I am asking is why I have deliberated over it for so long when the evidence that we are not right for each other is so obvious. I have tried and tried all kinds of ways to feel confident about my decision but I seem almost 'stuck' or more like frozen about it. It's as if now I just have resigned myself to a half life, take the abuse (emotional) that I'm no longer even capable to make small decisions - like what to buy in the supermarket without hesitating. I wonder whether this kind of decision is something you feel overwhelmed to do and that I will 'know' when to do it or whether I should write down a list or reasons to leave. Each time something bad happens I think "right, thats it" but then I go to bed and wake up the next day to plod on and keep going. I'm incapable of sorting this out and have tried to enlist the help of friends but they seem tied up with their own lives and family would rather I stick at my marriage through thick and thin. Please help :-( Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2008): I'm a college student and my mom seems to be having the same issue as you are having, except with two grown kids that get dragged into it (and frankly i would support their divorce whole heatedly). I agree that you might want to try therapy and couples counseling first, but the most important thing is that you talk to your husband about whatever it is that is bothering you and you make sure to tell him that he must only listen first, before he can defend himself or say what his problems are. Again, we dont know his side of the story, so ask yourself if he seems to be unhappy too, and find out what his problems are right now. THe key is for both of you to listen to each other and know what the other person is thinking and feeling ( and this wont happen telepathically). If this goes well, perhaps you two will end out ok, but if he unwilling to listen, unwilling to make sacrifices (if his actions show this even though he says he is going to change) and if you find that you are the same way: not listening and not wiling to change, then its probably not going to work.
All I can say is that if you are having sincere doubts about your marriage, do not have kids; you are very lucky in that respect. The key to making this work is understanding each other's wants and needs, understanding oneself, being very very open and actually wanting the relationship to work. If you feel that you are past this kind of communication, then its definitely time to move on.
A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (12 January 2008):
 I would never suggest that you end your marriage without trying to work it out in therapy. NOBODY here should tell you to end your marriage because we don't know the entire story, we'd only be getting your side. That would not be fair to your husband. He might have some issues with you too. He could accuse you of mentally abusing him etc. Maybe he's short with you because you won't have sex with him, won't cook, work, have kids....there are millions of reason why. The only good advice is to seek help from a professional who can hear both of you.
People throw the abuse word around too easily and it's usually at men. It's one of those words that rings alarm bells before people even hear the rest of the issue. People link it to women who have been physically beaten, making the guy evil before they hear the rest of the details. For instance, if a woman only wants to have sex twice a month, is she mentally abusive to her husband? He'd like it more often and has no other options. If a woman chooses to stay home and be with the kids is that abusive to the man, being forced to work longer hours to support the family? If you're pro male and have an axe to grind it's abuse. If you're pro female and your husband be littles you, it's abuse. Somewhere in the middle is the biggest part of the truth. So I won't line up with the others who say to leave him etc. Try to fix it, be honest then decide. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, sinders +, writes (12 January 2008):
Awww hun, i'm sorry. When i got married i thought i would be for life, shame it wasn't. I was like you, always wanted what he wanted but never thought of myself. I wish i could say get rid of him, but that will only make you feel worse, unless that is what you want.Everybody on here can tell you to dump him, find someone better, but only YOU can decide for yourself. If you want to live like that then fine, if not do something about it. Do it for you, and to hell with everybody else. Be you again, start living and having fun. It took me a while, but you'll get there. If you need any help or support, just email me, i'll be here to help.Di
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A
male
reader, Cardigan  +, writes (12 January 2008):
You are asking for advice in making a life-altering decision but because of the limited information, there are too many unknowns for anyone that does not know you to offer definitive advice. That said and understanding that all advice you will receive involves reading between the lines and a fair amount of speculation, here is a man's two-cents worth.It is important to consider how you got into this relationship. Abusive people are not as much made as they evolve with their true nature becoming more apparent with nearness of proximity. The closer he felt to you, the less he tried to mask his abusive nature. Maybe with hindsight you can now see the signs and how you avoided them.You will also have to consider how long have you been married because this will influence the degree of commitment each of you feel towards each other and the marriage itself. The difference between a marriage of 15 months and 15 years is much more than time.Have you considered why he is doing this? As stated earlier, abusive behavior evolves but not only with familiarity but also outside pressures can bring to the surface those negative aspects of our personalities. If there was an emotional trigger for him then this can likely be solved without ending the marriage. On the other hand, this could be more deeply rooted behavior on his part that will require more time to rectify than you are willing to invest.As well as these considerations for you to make, a professional (ideally) and objective third party can help each of you see the neutral, rather than subjective side, of what is going on and what to do.Finally I would add that there is no reason to stay in an abusive relationship - both parties are losing valuable time when the stay mired in such a morass. So the question is not wheher to stay or go, but can the relationship be fixed or not and is it worth it to you? If the relationship cannot be fixed or you do not think it is worth trying, then you know whether to stay or not.Help with indecisiveness? Consider the consequences of your decision as best you can and resolve that though you may learn from making a bad decision, you will harbor no regrets. And, of course, even when you make no conscious decision you have still decided.Best wishes and Godspeed in relieving the burden you are carrying.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2008): I have been in your shoes. Right! You only have one life, do you want to get to old age and look back on a wasted life? Do you want to do things? Of course you do, then if you are not happy then make the move now, no one will do it for you. Your life is in your hands so stop asking for approval and get on with it!
take care
xx
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A
male
reader, 2old4this +, writes (12 January 2008):
 I believe that sometimes emotional abuse may be worse than physical. The reason you may be hesitant is because he has worn you down. You are almost conditioned now to always rely on his decision making because of what he has done. People CAN change. Try counsiling and anything else you can think of. If he refuses than you may have no choice but to leave.
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A
female
reader, Cateyes +, writes (12 January 2008):
 Dear Annon, I wish I knew why he emotionally abuses you. Emotional abuse is wrong, however you look at it, however, I'm wondering if there are other factors that play in to this that he may not even realize. Making a marriage work is a two way street, and for you hanging on daily, I commend you for that because it sounds like deep inside you, there is a part of you that wants to make it work. However, the stress of the emotional abuse wear's you down where you want to leave and feel good again about yourself and your well being. I can totally understand that. The only way that I feel that it will ever work between you two is for you to flat out tell him how all the emotional abuse makes you feel, that you will no longer tolerate it and that you will head for divorce court if he continues on. Maybe he will come out and talk to you if there is something bothering him that he feels he cannot tell you or maybe he doesn't feel comfortable in telling you, but you will have to ask him if there is. If not, and he is just down right a mean person, then I would not want to live in that environment. It is not healthy for you and I'm sure you do not want to turn in to that type of a person. You sound caring and with a zest for life, and by all means we all deserve to be treated with respect and as human being.
I would suggest talking, letting him know how you feel, and then base your desicion again after his response. Someone mentioned about the fear of the unknown...which I understand that as well once married to an alcoholic. However, remembering that I had my own place before I married back in the day brought calmness to me because knowing that I could make it on my own then, I surely knew I could make it on my own again...and still am after 12 years. I have my own home that I own and am doing well. Never fear, see it as a new beginning if you do.
Good Luck to you!!
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (12 January 2008):
 Firstly , I would like to comment you for your ability and your never give up attitude in your relationship. This is a good trait . You are able to withstand all those emotional abuses. It seems like you have developed an immune system to it. LOL!
In you heart, you hope that he will change some day .You have accepted this type of lifestyle and if you leave , you may miss his rumblings .Life may not be the same. We are all creatures of habit. We like the familiar things.
Just hang in there. He is not all bad , he has some good points and thats why you find it difficult to leave him.
About your indecisiveness in buying things or making decisions, it is not because of him .It is your ownself. There are lots of other women like you who cannot decide and must need others opinion. It is a kind of habit .
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A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (12 January 2008):
First off I want to say I know its hard to leave someone, even when they abuse you. All sorts of reasons can stop you and make it exstremely hard.
My first suggestion to you was going to be that you should go to your family and friends for support...but then I read on to find out that your family thinks you should stay with your abusive bf?!?!?!?! Thats crazy! Are they old fashioned/religious or something? So they believe marriage is for life no matter what and dont believe in divorce or something? Either way, its really sad that the ywont support uyou to find a healthy, happy and better life that you deserve. As for your friends, are you sure they are to busy? Have you actually asked for help/ told them whats going on? If they wont help you then they dont sound like veyr good friends. I know that if I had a friend in an absuive relationship, or even if I knew of anyone in one (such as you, a stranger to me), I would do as much as I can to help them.
You really do need some support to help you give the strength to levae. Abusers rely on wearing their victim out, so that they have no strength to stand up for themself or leave. They also usualy like to distance their victims from anyone who will give them support.
I think you should go see a counsellor, they will be able to give you the help you need to work up the courage to leave and also they will help you deal wiht all the emotions you have after. So please do this. If you cant afford it, there are places that do it for free. You should google abuse hotlines in your area, find a number and call them and talk to them about it. They might be able to help you find a person in your area who you can see and talk to for free.
Ive been in an abusive relationship before and I know how hard it is to leave. People who havent been in one just dont understand and they go 'why wont she just leave him?'...but its not as easy as that, so many other emotions and thoughts come into play.
I too myself would go 'right im gona leave him tomorrow', but then tomorrow would come and something would change my mind, whether it be he is being super nice that day or i have hope i can change him or simply just too much fear got in the way.
What do you think you are fearing? Fearing the unknown, being alone, not coping, or even his reaction?
Perhaps what you could try is next time you do get that feeling to leave him, just get your bags and leave then!!! Dont wait till the next day. That way you cant back out of it.
I hope you have found some help in one of our replies on this web site, let us know how it goes and if you need any more support or someone to talk to, feel free to PM me.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2008): Oh honey, how awful. I am so sorry for all this. It sounds like you really do need help and need to enlist the help of somebody to give you the push to leave. That's why I am not going to suggest that you "toughen up" and do it yourself. You need help and support to get through this. At times everybody needs support. You are not alone.
For now, what I suggest you do is contact an abuse hotline or center where you can TALK to somebody who can consistently support you and offer you the resources that you need to do this. Cause here at dearcupid we can offer you one shot at advice and then that's it. However, you need consistent, day after day, support and encouragement. At an abuse center in your area perhaps you could get a therapist or a volunteer who can give you ongoing support and advice so that you can follow through with your plan to end this relationship once and for all. Please do it. Cause right now you need HELP from somebody. So I think that is your first step.
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A
female
reader, mizzbrannon +, writes (11 January 2008):
if you are being emotionally abused and you know you guys shouldnt be together then break it off.i know it will be hard but you need to do it. i know you both love each other very much but this is something you need to do
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A
female
reader, Sugarbuns +, writes (11 January 2008):
 I believe you are suffering from the fear of the unknown. Although your husband is emotionally abusive you have someone to come home to at night; a known environment which is to some people, better than the big "unknown" of being alone. It takes courage and guts to walk out of a marriage. When there is physical abuse, it's so much easier because you know your health and your life is at stake. But even then, some women stay and end up dead! When there's emotional abuse, you always tell yourself that somehow it's your fault. If only you could figure out how to keep him happy; to keep him from getting angry or making sarcastic remarks, or doing other hateful things that tear at your self-esteem. But it really isn't your fault and you have to give yourself permission to get out, and find a happier life. Because when you feel like you must share the responsibility for what's happening, it's much harder to leave. Also, there's the overwhelming task of finding someone new -- breaking in a new guy all over again and hopefully not repeating the same pattern. I believe you are also suffering from depression and this is what's keeping you from being able to make the simpliest decisions. Also, when a man has told a woman she's stupid, or has belittled her for not thinking as "smartly" as he does, or doing everything just so to please him, then she truly begins to feel inadequate and incapable of deciding which brand of soup to buy. I also suspect that even though your husband has abused you emotionally, he also has a sweet, wonderful side that you see every now and then, and it gives you hope that one day you'll be able to figure out how to bring this side of him out more often and thus resulting in a happy marriage. I think counseling might help you move forward. Find a good therapist and talk to her on a weekly basis about how your feeling. Through these sessions I believe you will gain the strength you need. (I am assuming you and your husband have already considered, or attended marital counseling without much success)...I know you can't count on your friends because they have their own baggage to deal with and alot of them probably don't believe a woman should get divorced unless her husband is slapping her silly. I don't know what our mothers, and grandmothers did but I know women today are less likely to put up with so much shit from a man who doesn't appreciate them. I wish you the best!!!
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A
female
reader, duskyrowe +, writes (11 January 2008):
 Do yourself a favour my darling. Get out of this loveless dead end marriage once and for all,you owe him nothing and he certainly does not deserve any more chances from you.
I was in a similar situation 4 years ago, I lived with this guy who undermined me and mentally abused me for 8 miserable years. I left him in 2004 and it was the best thing I ever done. I am very lucky to have very supportive parents and I stayed with them for a while. I am now with a lovely guy who I love very much and have been together for 3 months and I live in my own flat with a close friend of mine and have never been happier. So there is a life after your husband, trust me on that one, also having no children will make it easy for you to leave as you have no emotional ties. Please do not hesitate to drop me a line to discuss this further. Aunty Dusky xxx
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