A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I’VE discovered my husband has been leading a double life for 20 years – and paying out huge sums of money to support his secret family.He always told me he was supporting an education project near Johannesburg — now I realise he was funding his mistress and two children in South Africa.His mistress looks more glamorous than me and seems to delight in showing herself off in tiny bikinis and daring swimsuits despite being my age. What the hell??I couldn't do that!I'm not fat, but feel like he's treating me as if I were unattractive.I work out, keep myself fit, try to keep the romance alive. Not just deal with cooking the dinner, taking the rubbish out, other day-to-day stuff.This has come as a total shock. I don’t know which way to turn.I am 56 and he is 58. We married 30 years ago in our village church and had a perfect wedding day.We have a grown-up daughter and son. We’ve been happy over the years, despite my husband spending long periods working overseas.Our sex life has always been good and I’ve never had reason to suspect he had strayed until I stumbled across an email from his other woman asking for extra funds.She signed off, “Love you and can’t wait to have you home again.”He could not give me a proper explanation when I confronted him, but he finally admitted starting the affair because he was lonely on his work trips abroad.They have two boys aged 15 and 17. I could not believe my ears. He has been cheating on me for two-thirds of our married life.His work as an engineer has always taken him away a lot and I kept things going at home.But he has been paying his mistress large sums of money all this time.It makes my blood boil to think how our children could have benefited from those funds.I told him he had to finish with her or lose me. He told me he’s moving in with his brother for the time being to think about it.I am so confused and angry. I still love him but am seriously thinking about starting divorce proceedings.
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male
reader, Anon21  +, writes (3 June 2022):
Hi OP I am sorry that you are going through this I first read your post in the Dear Deidre section of The Sun newspaper website.
Your husband has been carrying on with an affair for 20 years I would think that there is no comming back from that. He has deceived you for all this time, and when you found out he ran off to his brother' place to think about who he wants to be with says a lot about his character or lack of it.
I would suggest that you contact a good divorce lawyer Post Haste. You need to find where you stand legally and to protect your assets from taken from you because of your husbands other family.
Do you have the contact details for your husbands mistress? In this case you should contact her to let her know that you are her partners legal wife. She deserves to know what sort of man her partner really is. I bet that the mistress does not know that her partner already is married. She may not believe you at first so you may need to sent some sort of proof.
Your children will find out so do not sugar coat what has happened. You don't need to run down their father but you need to be honest with them so that don't think you are the bad guy in this.
You should consider going to a trained counselor to talk through the issues and to decide how you want to proceed.
Good luck I hope everything goes well for you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2022): Take action. Get a lawyer. Get a therapist.
Your husband is a con-man. Word cheater doesn't begin to cover it. He has cheated you and your family out of large sums of money. Not to mention the "love" part.
He is a narcissist. He doesn't care about anyone but himself. You are all there to satisfy his needs. He will never change.
I had this story in my family. My cousins Jack and Janice (let’s call them that). Jack was cheating on his wife (and their 3 kids), leading a double life. He paid MILLIONS (I'm not making this up) to support his mistress and her pets. He bought her houses and apartments, not to mention cars, jewelry... they went several times a year on very long vacations (“business trips”) while his own children lived a very modest life. What I hated the most was how hypocritical he was. He was always complaining how money is tight, how hard work always pays off and that’s the only thing that matters hard work and family. Makes me want to puke. But the worst is coming.
Janice was married for over 25 years (she started very young) and had two kids with her husband. They looked so happy. They were ALWAYS together. Nothing like Jack and his wife. They worked together (they had a small beauty salon), they travelled together… they didn’t have a lot of money. They lived in our family’s apartment rent free, my cousin’s parents were helping. Long-story short. At some point we had to sell that apartment and it was a financial blow for them, but their kids were 22 and 23 and working, so Janice didn’t worry too much. She should have. When it turned out they had NO MONEY left (their business wasn’t going well), her husband left her and went to the house NEXT DOOR where he had a mistress and two daughters who were OLDER than my niece and nephew. WTF?????!!!!!! I have no idea WHY he married my cousin when he was already “married” (common law wife) with two kids. They had never broken up. I cannot imagine why would this other woman accept this. My cousin Janice didn’t know. She spiraled into such a deep depression. The worst part: my hypocritical cousin couldn’t stop talking sh*t about his brother-in-law. We all knew, Janice included, about his mistress about the money he had in different accounts that he had used for their life together. Now how crazy is this?
My point being, with narcissists you cannot win. The only thing to do is leave them. It doesn’t matter WHO they are. Husbands, wives, friends, siblings… unless you have an upper hand, they will ALWAYS use you until they bleed you dry.
You don't love who he really is. You like the false picture he painted for you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2022): If this woman is like a wife to him, always there for him and him only, of course he funds her. She cannot live on fresh air and die of starvation any more than you can. She thinks she is in a proper relationship, this is hardly a casual thing or just sex or her being a slut. Hard as you will find it you should respect her for that.
You say you had a perfect wedding day ! Wow. That is one day out of 356 days per year for many years, one day is nothing.
You need most days to be good not just one. What about the rest of the days? Some wives like it when their hubby travels due to work, they love to have a nice home and all the things her husband's money will buy but be glad when he is not there, and not keen on sex with him.
At least he stayed married to you, he could have ended it with you years ago, knowing he can be with her full time then. Bear all of this in mind.
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A
male
reader, kenny + ♥, writes (24 May 2022):
 I am really sorry to hear this, I can't begin to imagine how hard this must be for you.
He has been lying and cheating for 20 years and lying to you repeatedly only divulging what has been going on after being confronted.
He has lied, he has cheated, and he has deceived not just you but your children also.
He has broken the trust barrier, one this has been broken it is often impossible to come back from, in all honesty how could you ever trust anything he says after this.
He say's he was lonely on his trips abroad, OP this is a lame excuse. He was lonely on his trips abroad so thought he would just start a family with someone else knowing that his wife was at home waiting for him.
Personally I don't think that he will finish with her. I also think that it is good that he has moved in with his brother for the time being.
I know this is hard on you, but I feel that your best option would be to now get the ball rolling with legal proceedings. I think you should act on this sooner rather than later, and don't divulge what your doing with your husband.
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