A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Well, I'm back. I've posted on here about this issue before and it doesn't seem to be getting resolved.I know this is a long post. So bear with me on that. I didn't intend for it to be. Kudos to anyone that can finish reading it. Thank you.My fiance is the boss of this woman who is going through a divorce. They work in the same department and see each other every day. My fiance runs the place. She has 5 children and is 13 years younger than him.He has talked about her to me for over a year now. First he told me how could anyone divorce such an attractive lady as that. That her husband was a bear of a man. He told her she hid it well at work what was happening in her life. It turns out her husband was having an affair with a woman where they both work.She moved into a house kitty corner from us, a block away. He said he did not know that until he saw her outside one day. He wanted to give her a recipe of mine because she has soooo many children to take care of. He told me that her husband is trying to be friends with the children instead of a father figure. He wanted to give her an extra table we had when he saw her bidding on one at work. At that point I said he was getting too involved in her life and to knock it off. He told me his corporation is a family and that he helps them out if they are having trouble and he gave me a name of a male employee. I never saw that kind of "help" given to the male employee whose wife dumped him nor did I ever hear so much about him.We plan to retire to a town that her daughter was going to college at and we receive the newspaper from that town. He was taking the newspaper after I read to her at work for her daughter. Then he daughter left that college and she said she didn't need the newspapers anymore. Then my fiance cancelled the subscription without even asking me if I would still like to receive the newspaper.At Christmas he gives gifts to his immediate staff. When we went shopping he wanted to make sure that she got a certain plaque with wording on it about family and memories. Other employees got a plaque with same wording on it, except hers. He said he did this because she was going through a hard divorce. I had to wrap the employee gifts.She was outside her house with her new dog one day and he said he was glad to see that she had a dog for companionship.If she is outside I will see him glancing over there or if she is in the driveway getting into her car or coming back and then I will see him glancing again if he happens to be outside. It's impossible to get away from her since she lives right down the block from us. He has to drive by her house every day to get to work or when he backs out the car to turn there is her house. Like a constant reminder.A few months have passed now and no mention of her.When I went on a training seminar for a week in another state, he would call everyday. He joked and asked if I had anyone in bed at the hotel. I said no I did not have this or that man in bed. When I got back home, on my computer desk was a neatly print-out of an e-mail from her to him about some political memorable with a lot of pages and pictures. He was probably trying to make me jealous due to our exchange on the phone.Just yesterday at home, he hands me a sticker package, those stickers you use for scrap-booking. He said three months ago he gave this to an employee who was taking a road trip with their family. But, the employee gave it back to him and said they didn't need it. It has his name in black marker at the top and it is written in female handwriting. I am guessing it is hers. He claims he can't remember who he gave the stickers to which I know is a lie.I feel he is getting her special gifts or going out of his way to get to her through her daughter, at least initially and now gets her little special things.I have tried so hard not to be jealous. I never said anything about the e-mail but did make another mental note. I'm trying to be smart about this and over react or become some crazy psycho jealous fool. But I feel on pins and needles all the time anymore and even ill.Seriously, what would you do?? He has to work with her everyday and that only reinforces it if there is an attraction.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2013): She is prey to him. She is at a vulnerable stage in her life and he is using that to his advantage to get in her good graces and into bed. Men can be pigs.
Why on earth would a middle aged man want to take on 5 children at this stage in his life plus her ex. It's more than likely just to bed her only but not have the responsibility of the kids.
Be careful hun, since they work together every day and he has a ways to go to retirement you don't know where this will lead. Keep a watchful eye.
Hopefully, she will get a boyfriend so that he will back off. But, just the fact that he is doing what he is doing, I don't know if I would want to stick around. I'd probably leave and never look back.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2013): The aunties have given you some good answers here.Since she is rejecting his gift items I would take note of that shirt she gave him at the fundraising event and watch how many times he wears it, even write down the dates he does wear it, etc. I am assuming it is a work shirt with their logo or for the event and that is acceptable to wear to work.He might now use that to get her attention around the office. It will just be another tactic. He will be hoping she notices that he took the time to wear the shirt that "she" gave him. He probably will wear it proudly. Anything to get noticed by her. That's how guys operate.Another note...I sure as heck wouldn't be washing that shirt. Let it get all wrinkly. A little payback.He most undoubtedly will turn to his grooming methods around her and upgrade them.None of this is good signs for a man that is suppose to be in a committed relationship.It's like he is still looking. That would be a stab in my heart if my fiance were doing these sorts of things or maneuvering with another woman. It might be only a matter of time before she caves in too just to save her job.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2013): So this guy is smart enough to run a company but he isn't the brightest bulb on the tree when it comes to relationships.Here he is gushing to you, his fiancee, the woman he supposedly wants to marry, about a female employee he finds attractive. Buys her gifts. Is bending over backwards to help her in anyway.He sounds like a school boy with a major crush and also a dirty old man if you tell me.He sounds like he gets easily distracted by a woman's physical beauty and could easily be led astray. But, remember that is his choice.Do note that this woman did return the stickers back to him. She, obviously, sees what he is up to and is having no part of it. If she were to have accepted those stickers, that would have given him a green light to do more for her. "That" has to put her in an awkward position at work having her boss show her perferential treatment. Don't think for a minute that her co-workers aren't picking up on those vibes either. They always do.I feel sorry for you. Since his "gift" was rejected, I wonder what he he will try next or try to think of to get her attention.The reason he may not call of the engagement to you is how it would make him look to other people. He calls it off and then dates an employee. That doesn't look too good for his career. Or on the flip side, he may want you to call it off so that he can tell people you left him, which gives him a free pass to date her and then he doesn't have to suffer any consequences for having broken up with you. Something to think about.I'd be having none of this game playing. I would tell him straight up how you feel and that it is either her or you so that you can then leave and live your life and to find someone special so that you would be fully loved and adored for the person that you are. You deserve that.
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A
female
reader, GenieMil +, writes (21 July 2013):
He is having his Cake and eating it too. He is "testing the waters" so to speak with this divorced colleage. He is no doubt having an emotional affair with her and it has not progressed (for whatever reason) to a physical affair.
I would lay it on the line, so to speak, and tell him that this relationship, friendship, whatever you want to call it is not only unacceptable, that it will not be tolerated. I would ask him to make a choice. If he says your being ridiculous, overreactive, then give him an ultimatum - even moving out if necessary temporarily. If he is truly committed to you, he will not stray. Time will tell and you will know the desires of his heart.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2013): My dear...I hate to jump to conclustions and I don't want to sound harsh, but I feel he is definately attracted to her. He is her boss, she is attractive, younger, in a vulnerable position getting a divorce, needs her job, has a lot of children to care for and her boss is showing interest in her, subtle yes, but it's a good game he is playing. He knows exactly what he is doing and you are on to him. Yes, he was trying to get to her through her kid at college. Why suddenly cancel the newspaper subscription after she told him she didn't need the papers anymore for her daughter? He didn't even ask you if wanted to still read the papers. That ploy didn't work so he canceled them. Men will do anything to get a females attention or to get them in bed and one sure way is to pay attention to their kids first to soften the woman up. Now he bought her a special plaque with words because she is hurting from her divorce. Then he buys her the scrapbook stickers for a road trip. No, no and no. He, in own way, with small gifts, he is letting her know he is interested in her. He should be paying attention to you and doing these things for you, not a female employee. I'm surprised you have controlled yourself this long. I sense if you were to leave, he would ask her out the next day. The opportunity is there now and he knows it. If he is so interested in this woman I don't know why he doesn't just call off the engagement. But wait, you cook, clean and have sex with him. The best of two worlds for a guy. I feel he is going down a slippery slope and he doesn't have any boundaries with his employees especially an attractive female. Guys want to be the knight in shining armor to a woman in need. And a woman that is divorced with kids needs someone to take up the financial slack when a divorce hits and he probably has enough money in his wallet to do that. Women can be just as conniving. Sex for money, you bet! Then he gets his young thing or arm candy and she gets the cash. It's gifts at first, to help my career (the event he attended and left you stranded), wanting to give her that table (an opportunity to take it to her hosue). These things lead to an affair, but he is the one initiating the moves. Like I said, he knows "exactly" what he is doing. It's not fair to you, dear and you shouldn't have to compete like that with her. His attention should be on you. I can't tell you what to do, but I would be hurt by these actions, upset and knowing me I don't know if I could stay. How would he feel if you were paying this kind of attention to an attracive male co-worker? It's inappropriate. I wish you the best of luck on whatever your decide to do and peace in your life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2013): Hello. The original poster here.Thank you for all the wonderful advice. No, actually he does not work long hours and is home at a normal time believe it or not. Generally, we get a along well, except for his roving eye on the ladies when we go out in public together.One thing I noticed too is that this lady has to hold fundraising events for the company. My fiance never went to those before because they are on the weekends and he told me early on in the relationship that the weekends are his. Well, now, because she is divorced he goes to this one annual event that she is at. He said it was because it wouldn't look good if he wasn't there. We were at his family cabin for a weekend and it happened to be the same day of this event. He drives two hours to go there, to attend, and leaves me all alone for the day, but he did make up for it by staying an extra day. He proudly showed me a shirt she gave him with the name of the event on it for him showing up. It was like he was basking in the attention he got from her.I'm feeling very stretched thin from all of this.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (20 July 2013):
Hi there. Apart from all this, how is your relationship with your fiance, generally speaking?
Do you have a lot in common, and do your genuinely enjoy being in each other's company?
And how many hours does he spend at the office?
I am assuming here, that because he runs the place, so he is a senior manager, or general manager or CEO or something very similar in job titles.
And being in such a position, probably also means he doesn't just work from 9 to 5 and then go home.
I imagine that he probably works pretty long hours every day, and then comes home quite late.
For instance, he might start at 7am and might get home about 8 or 9pm at night, almost every day.
And as he is her boss, well then perhaps while he is at work she is also - right up until he finishes each night.
Like being his personal assistant, which can be pretty full on, that's for sure.
And so because of this, when he is not at home with you at a reasonable hour - say by 5.30 to 6pm - he is at work and forming a relationship of sorts with her instead.
And not intentionally, I'm sure.
Even though it isn't an affair, it is still a developing friendship.
And when you feel you have to work late to get everthing done each day, that can be a very lonely experience.
And you miss being able to spend that time with your loved ones.
When people spend long hours at the office, it can be like running away from life in some way.
And especially, if outside of the workplace they don't have any other hobbies or interests they can pursue at home.
And it can become that their work life, becomes their ONLY life.
Even though he has you, I'm not talking about not having a relationship and company to come home to, but apart from that, nothing else to look forward to.
And unfortunately, for a person who runs a company, there is a lot of responsibility in doing that.
And so with responsibility, comes a sense of obligation also.
And consequently, long hours.
And even more time spent there, than there would be as an employee who can just do their 8 hours - and then go home - until tomorrow.
It is definitely possible, that if he does spend long hours at work, that this is clearly a part of the problem.
I am assuming and especially as you haven't actually said it in so many words, that this could be what is happening for him.
And while ever he is running the company, it is probably always going to be this way.
And so as long as he is happy doing this type of work, and being in a responsible position of running a company, well then this situation might not change anytime soon.
Well, at least until he ever decides he wants to either wind down the hours he works, or to retire fully.
And get back the life he is missing out on now.
And so in a way, his friendship with this woman at work, is kind of like substituting for the time he is missing by not being with you.
If you could give me a little more detail on how late he comes home each night from work, well then I can help you even further with this.
And if he DOES work late each night, well then part of the solution, could be for him to work LESS hours each day.
And reclaim the life that work is taking from him at the moment.
After all, what can't be done today, will just have to be done tomorrow.
Or the next day.
He does need a life outside of his work.
He needs that balance, and it is necessary for his health and wellbeing.
He does need to have SOME time at home with you, to chill out and re-energise.
All work and no play, makes Jack a very dull boy.
Perhaps what you could do - whenever you get the chance - is you could meet him for lunch sometimes.
Actually call him and ask what time he could break for lunch, and then go into his office and go somewhere together and have a bite to eat.
Whether it is a local cafe, or you buy some sandwiches and go somewhere and sit and just be together for 20 minutes to half an hour and you can chat. And just enjoy some company.
The big problem with running a company, is that you tend to go on working and not take regular breaks, because you feel there isn't enough time, and you have TOO MUCH to do.
And so you just keep on working, believing it's the only way to get the work done.
And yet, to have regular breaks actually makes you much more productive, just by getting outside for 10 minutes can help.
Have a stretch, and maybe a short walk in the fresh air.
But to keep on working - without stopping - can be counterproductive, as you can get to a point where you start to get distracted, and begin making very frustrating tiny little mistakes.
An so time is actually being wasted.
And when that starts happening, it is life trying to tell you something.
To do something else!
Meaning, to take a break - even just a short one.
It really CAN help - a lot.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2013): You're not over-reacting. Your actions are justified and mature.
You are following a gut feeling. He is much too involved in his employee's personal life, and it is no coincidence that she moved so close by.
I strongly recommend that you delay the wedding.
There is far too much that needs attention for you to solidify your commitment in marriage. He may not be forthcoming with his true feelings toward this woman. She will always be around the block. You asked him to knock it off, and he dismissed you. That is no way to respond to your fiance's concerns. Especially about another woman!
You are a mature and intelligent woman. You aren't showing jealousy that isn't sensibly based on solid evidence. He is simply too concerned. Her divorce isn't his company's business; nor his. Let his company offer her some company-paid family-counseling.
He should keep his nose out it.
When you sit down and talk about a major concern that could have an effect on your relationship; and your partner dismisses you.
You must take that into careful consideration.
Is that how it will be during your marriage?
He doesn't validate your feelings and opinions?
Either he has a tremendous ego, and a strong-sense of self-righteousness; or your opinion, with regard to this woman, just doesn't matter to him. She seems far too important to him, and he has gone far beyond the limit.
I think your delivery may have something to do with his response. I don't recommend approaching this being accusatory, or in an arrogant and demanding manner. You are seeking a resolution; you're not telling a full-grown man how to handle his employees, or what to do.
However; that same man owes you full validation on your observations and viewpoint; regarding how involved he is beyond the limits of professionalism involving another woman/employee. Neither you, nor I, buy his explanations.
Attempt to talk this out. Watch your tone. If you are too negative or nag him, he will close you off. You must let him know your true feelings,and you want his full attention and cooperation.
You are not trying to start a fight. It will justify his refusal to continue the conversation, based on your negative attitude. So put away your pistols. This is where you use your female sensitivities. You're not his mother.
Inform him you feel she is too close for comfort. Remind him that you have addressed the issues many times over, and don't feel he has given you the appropriate respect as his fiance'. As far as this woman is concerned, your feelings come first.
If you still can't get your point across, then hand him the final ultimatum. It's up to you to decide what that is.
I can only speculate, I can't read the future. I feel he'll only grow closer to this female as time passes. He is paying her far too much attention for it to be professional or platonic in nature.
Follow your best judgement on this one, my dear lady.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2013): Have you talked to him about it, like had a sit down face to face conversation about it? What does he say. I would perhaps try a counsellor, and ask for their advice, Id hate to tell you to address this then it blows up in your face. I would be angry. If it were my hubby, I probably would have given him an ultimatum ( like do you want to be with her? No. Fine then cut contact, stop delving into her life and glancing at her every chance you get. I would consider moving and ask him if he could transfer if it is an option. Or find a new job) but dont take the advice in parenthesis because again that would likely blow up. I strongly suggest a counsellor.
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