A
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,
*eo42
writes:My spouse are both in our seventies and I still get the urge for sex, but because of her medical problems she's afraid to even try to have sex. She won't even let me touch her. We've been married for fifty years, it wouldn't make sense for me to leave now. Since we're both born again Christians I hate to commit adultery, but I need to do something. Any advice will be appreciated.
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female
reader, like I see it +, writes (29 September 2013):
 You say your wife abstains because of worries about her health, but I get the vague impression you think these concerns aren't legitimate - at least not legitimate enough that you'll accept masturbation as a viable long-term option in order to stay faithful to your wife of 50 years. No more sex when you still have the desire for it is a tough spot to be in, and I feel for you.
But before jumping straight to an affair or a prostitute, neither of which would be compatible with your faith, I think you and your wife should see a doctor together for a professional opinion on her health and its consequences for your sex life. At that point both of you will at least have a clear set of facts off which to base your feelings.
If the doctor gives you both the green light for sexual activity and your wife is still resistant to the idea, then it would be more appropriate to sit down with her and discuss other ways for you to meet the needs you are still having. I'd expect her to be hurt and upset by it, though, so you have to decide if the end result is really worth it to you. Best wishes.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2013): Have you both gotten a doctor's opinion about her safely participating in sex? If the doctor hasn't warned her against having sex and she hasn't really tried, it's because she just doesn't want to.
Sir, people often use medical issues as excuses when they simply have no interest in sex, or find the act disgusting.
She doesn't want to hurt your feelings.
She may have never really enjoyed it as much as you have. As she aged, she has totally lost any interest at all. She probably feels at her age, it is repulsive and embarrassing.
She won't even let you touch her. It's not her health so much as her old-school opinion that older people shouldn't do it. She has probably come to the conservative conclusion that sex is sinful, and only for procreation.
Her lack of desire would make it unpleasant for her. Vaginal dryness would make it painful, if you want intercourse. That may require a good sexual lubricant. Her frail body may not be supple enough for her to find any pleasure; if she has arthritis, joint pain, or back problems.
Many older couples maintain an active sex-life and find a way to get around all these issues. It's a matter of will and desire. Your wife just doesn't seem to have the desire.
I don't recommend divorce or seeing prostitutes. You'll simply have to resort to masturbation as you have earlier in your life. It doesn't make sense that she doesn't want you to touch her in any pleasurable way. That's why I suspect she finds sex dirty. I think she feels sexual pleasure is no longer one of her needs; and will not compromise out of stubbornness and lack of interest.
So it's up to you to improvise. You may have to go online to look for male sex toys. There is one called a "flesh-light." Google it. It may suffice. They can be purchased discreetly. You may have to explain what it is, if she happens upon it. The ads may be quite explicit; so be prepare for that.
Otherwise, just ignore the urges. They will eventually fade with age, or just become less intense.
I mainly suggest that you have a gentle talk with her and explain to her what you feel. Allow her to explain her fears and her feelings about sex at your age. You two are at an age you don't need to hold back any secrets about your feelings.
At least get more of an understanding. It's better than just accepting the standard excuses: "I've got a headache, I'm on my period, or we're too old."
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (28 September 2013):
 I think you and your wife would benefit from speaking to a doctor about this. A doctor would be able to say if it's safe for her to have sex with her medical condition. She could get the reassurance that she needs. My friend's wife has a heart condition and at first she was terrified to engage in any sexual activity, but a doctor assured her that it was actually beneficial to give the heart that kind of exercise.
If she can't have sex, then there are other options:
1. Hand jobs
2. Blow jobs
3. Watching Porn
4. Maybe your wife would agree to you seeing a prostitute. They are professionals who know how to handle situations like yours all the time, and there is no emotional attachment...but this is something that you and your wife would have to discuss.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (28 September 2013):
 if she is not available for sex would she be opposed to you taking a lover on the side.
IF you do it with her permission it would not be cheating or adultery... it would be an open marriage.
have you asked her if she would be opposed to this since she's turning you down based on pain?
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