A
female
age
41-50,
*uniga
writes:I have a boyfriend, we have been dating off an on about 5 years.Serious about an year and a half. I just found out a few months ago the he got some other woman pregnant.He didnt know she was prgnant till after the baby was 9 months old.So now she is 3. When we first got together he told me if i was to ever get pregnant i was going to abort it or he would have nothing to do with the child. Then i found out he got some fling, one night stand a woman that he was not even in a relationship with pregnant. It was very hurtful its like him stabbing you in the heart. He says he very sorry he loves me and he needs to be responsible to be a part of the babys life. He also says i'm the one hes with and that he calls all the time. So how do i cope with this stress now that he has another child with some one he had a fling with.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 June 2012):
 What kind of help do you want? Why is it so stressful for you that your boyfriend has a child with someone else? Is his behavior towards the mother of his child better than towards you? Are you jealous of her and the child?
Have you asked him what happens if YOU get pregnant? Does he still expect you to abort YOUR child because he wants you to? How do you feel about this? Are you willing to compromise your life and your wants and needs to be with this man?
Remember support is much like an underwire bra:
not always comfortable
often the only thing that works...
A
female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (14 June 2012):
you asked for advice, just because it is not the answers you wanted its not fair to write it off as not helping, people here have taken the time to read your problem and answer, be grateful for that. I would simply dump him, there is no hope for your ''relationship''. you deserve better ! read your question again, what you wrote, are you waiting for someone here to tell you ''yes forgive him, get back together'' because its not happening.
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A
female
reader, suniga +, writes (3 June 2012):
suniga is verified as being by the original poster of the question Dang no one is helping....everyone is being negative . We love each other
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A
female
reader, deirdre +, writes (2 June 2012):
anyone who you are on off with for more than a few months is a waste of your time, believe me. you deserve far better. he has 2 kids, one while he was with you and the other one before that which he didnt tell you about. seriously he sounds like a loser, you can do far better
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A
female
reader, suniga +, writes (31 May 2012):
suniga is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo let me clarify this a little bit better. My boyfriend and i are dating now. We were not dating before. I was having sex with other guys and he was having sex with other women. So now that we are serious he is letting me know that he has another child and if i was ok with it. So the whole time we were f*cking we were seeing other people and now im having issues that he got another woman pregnant.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (29 May 2012):
 I agree with janniepeg on this one. Though I would suggest that you not count on his child making him more mature. He's had three years with the child with no signs of maturity in regards to your relationship. Only that he's been successfully hiding all knowledge of his son or daughter from you. This means that he's disavowed this kid for three years from you and everyone who knows you. There's no hope for maturity, and frankly, that should scare the living crap out of you, because even if he was correct in saying that you and he weren't serious (after three years of dating, you can't be serious?!?), there should have been no reason he should have kept the child a secret.
If he was able to keep this kid a secret from you, then you don't know him very well. After 5 years of knowing, dating, and having sex, you should know all there is to know about him, and for him to successfully keep a child from you should scare you. He's hiding more from you and will continue to do so for as long as he is in your life.
Finally, think about your future. You don't have one with him. He has to pay child support to the mom all of his life, meaning if you and he were to get married, live together, etc, then YOU would also be supporting this kid. You can also never trust him if he's that able to hide such profound things from you. True fathers gush about their kids. They're proud of them and spend regular time with them.
YOu can either stay with him and go nowhere, or you can end this relationship and find one far less toxic.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2012): "When we first got together he told me if i was to ever get pregnant i was going to abort it or he would have nothing to do with the child."And you didn't dump this scumbag on the spot, instead you "have been dating off an on about 5 years.Serious about an year and a half?" Unbelievable. What did you expect from a callous selfish jerk other than callous selfish jerk-like behavior? "So how do i cope with this stress now that he has another child with some one he had a fling with."There's only one obvious answer, and if you don't get it by now then I'm sorry, but you're suffering from sheer unadulterated stupidity and there is no solution, magical or otherwise, that can help one of the worst cases I've ever seen, even by DC standards, absolutely astonishing and breathtaking in breadth and scope.
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A
female
reader, suniga +, writes (29 May 2012):
suniga is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell i was dating other people and apparently he was having sex. He said he used a condom and we werent committed. The whole time out of the 5 yrs together we were always having sex though. He has always been there for me..help me when i need it and always encourage me to do better in life and i always ask him when i need something or help.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (29 May 2012):
 So for at least two years he has been keeping the baby a secret in front of you. 5 years ago he was dead sure he didn't want to be a father yet he wasn't too careful with using protection? Or did both the condom and the pill fail?
I have no doubts he loves you. I mean he has to otherwise there would be no saving grace for him. He also has to "love" other potential partners to keep them interested. The main concern is can you be happy with a part time boyfriend who would unlikely give you a child in the future, and who would spend holidays to be with that child. You have to decide if love is enough to keep your relationship. You surely have other options. The baby can be a curse to your relationship but at the same time a blessing. It forces him to be mature. It would teach him to be responsible for any absolute statements he makes. It makes him feel like he has to make it up for you, do more than the average man to compensate for the mistakes he had done.
You have to weigh in the pros and cons. I would personally walk away, just for the fact that he got with you seriously after he knew about the baby. He should have let you know this, so you had the choice of moving on sooner. Now that you are serious, attached, it's like he is making you accept this fact now that you are an item. He probably knew that his chances of getting a decent girlfriend is slimmer when people know how indiscreet he was, even if it was that one time. He knew that he could get you back if he hid this fact from you. That was deceitful and you shouldn't forgive him for that.
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