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female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: How to deal with a pregnant friend who is constantly seeking attention?Hi aunts and uncles, I'm looking for some advice on how to deal with a friend who's been constantly seeking attention and her recent pregnancy has made it even worse.We're in mid-forties an have know each other for almost 3 decades. She was always needy and demanding, but we were a part of a bigger group, so somehow it was easier to deal with. Over the years I realized that I'm not the only one looking for ways to stay friends with her while not being "crushed" by her energy. All of our mutual friends have developed certain strategies. Having said that, I must add that she's not mean. She's just self-centered. Anyway, she's never had a partner. Guys would run the moment they saw how demanding she was. Especially to them. So she decided to have a kid on her own. Since she has no family and she's alone, I empathize with her. But. She keeps calling and/or texting all the time asking me stuff and seeking advice or simply looking to communicate. My problem is that whenever I do not respond she gets upset and starts "preaching" and uses her pregnancy as an excuse. She was like that even before. But as I said, now it's worse. Our mutual friends have exactly the same experience and now we cannot say anything because she's pregnant. Is it possible that she's really using this just an excuse to sometimes be rude?She hasn't set clear boundaries regarding who should know about her pregnancy. She says she won't tell anyone but a few friends then goes on and tells some people whom she barely knows and then the whole conversation is about her. Again, what bothers me is that she got really upset when a friend of hers told her bf after that, thinkng that it was ok. I understand that it's her decision, but people get confused when she says one thing and then does the opposite. So, I need to do something, I just do not know what. I don't want to hurt her feelings or upset her, but I really want to balance things for myself and her, since she keeps doing things to hurt people, i'm not sure she'll be able to repair later. Yesterday she ruined the bachelorette party of our friend's step-daughter. I put party in quotes because with covid-19 it wasn't really a party. We wore masks, there was no food or drinks, we were there just to show support and express our best wishes. This friend who's pregnant (3 months now) did everything to monopolize the conversation and bring attention back to herself. At some point everyone was just so quiet, trying to have smaller conversations with immediate surroundings, avoiding her altogether. I don't think that some people really meant it, but I heard a few comments how she shouldn't have gotten pregnant alone at that age. I think people were just irritated by her behavior.Thank you!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2020): Exact situation but my friend is 21. She has been my friend for years. I want to be there for her but am struggling with her behavior. I look forward to reading advice. Thanks
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2020): Typo:
"You all know that's how she is,..."
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2020): Typo corrections:
"Let her know when she's getting carried-away, suggest that she tone it down, and remind her to get a grip!"
P.S.
Pretentious-politeness is worse than being caustic or catty! All the passive-aggressiveness you're all projecting is merely "casting shade." That means giving-off a subtle but sneering air of contempt for someone. Sometimes people do it through gossip; and some smile to your face, and turn-up their noses or frown when you lookaway.
You all know known that's how she is, and in these days and times; appreciate your friends and love-ones for all their quirks and eccentricities. When she's going overboard, tell her to her face! You'd think everyone would have developed a bit of immunity to her ways after 30 years! Don't wait until you're all wearing black and standing over a casket; telling tearful-stories about her. That's even worse!
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2020): Amongst every group of friends you'll find the quirky-oddball who drives everyone a little nuts; but you just can't bring yourself to shut them out, or shut them up! She likes attention. Let anyone of you within the group without quirks or obnoxious little habits among you, cast the first stone. You also like attention, your group likes it, and who doesn't?
Let me shed a little wisdom and drop a little truth on you.
Each of the women in your circle of friends has something you don't like about one-another; that you all share behind each-other's backs. You get together in a little clutch; and whisper complaints, or dish the dirt. Then everyone pretends to be so close, lovey-dovey, and loyal as friends. That's the thing about people, they tend to backbite; then clasp their pearls in indignance when they're called-out for being two-faced or phony. If you all discuss it with everyone but her, that's being two-faced! Don't use her pregnancy as an excuse for not being frank and honest. It's common in every circle. You talk about it when her back is turned.
If you think she's self-centered and needy; you've had years to tell her so, and to let her know others feel the same. Instead, you all gossip behind her back; and present another face when you're around her.
Well, she's now over 40...and not likely to change her ways; and you've known her to be this way for 30+ years. Anytime between then and now, you all can cut her loose and move-on. Her being pregnant, her age, and being alone is entirely her business. Life didn't cut her the same deal as others; but she decided this is how she'll come to terms. This story is very familiar, I'm certain you've come her about it before.
If she needs attention, be a friend and give her some. Then turn-off the faucet.
When you think she has had enough, you feel saturated; look at your watch, politely excuse yourself...pick-up your dolls and dishes, and call it a day! In a group, just wander-away and mingle.
If she's in the center of a group, or at a social-gathering; and she's trying to monopolize attention. Gently take her by the arm, pull her aside; and tell her she needs to allow others to share some of the spotlight. She's a lonely-person, and your group is where she gets to feel accepted and appreciated. She's still the same as she was back in the day; and never outgrew it. Then tell her so! Time to take a chill-pill, girlfriend. You hog all the attention! Not in so many words, just throw her a few hints.
That's what a real-friend does! They'll be honest, not just whisper to each other when she turns her back; while flashing phony-smiles at her. Like she's an idiot, and you're all just doing your best to tolerate her. That is so condescending and mean-spirited!
If she's being a pain, lacks social-graces, and hogs attention... kindly tell her so!
Let her know when she's getting carried-away, tone it down, and remind her to her to get a grip! Pregnancy has nothing to do with it, she's not made of crepe paper!
She's an adult, she get's carried-away when there's a group of people; or when she has you trapped on the phone. Be polite and honest; excuse yourself and ask her to calm down a little. People who live alone and don't get-out much tend to behave the way you've described her. As a child, her mother may have fawned over her too much; and sometimes people don't outgrow that childish-trait. Everybody's got a quirk, and that includes each and everyone of you! Imagine what they must say behind your back!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (25 October 2020):
 You write:
"My problem is that whenever I do not respond she gets upset and starts "preaching" and uses her pregnancy as an excuse. She was like that even before. But as I said, now it's worse.
Our mutual friends have exactly the same experience and now we cannot say anything because she's pregnant."
I think the reason she does this is because it a pattern of behavior that she has gotten away with for decades. You all reinforce it by not telling her, hey I know you are wanting to chat but I have things going on right now so I can't chat right now. You need to STOP walking on eggshells around her. Pregnant or not. If she acts like a cow, TELL her. She needs to know. Pregnant or not. Don't be so available. If you don't have the energy for her. BE ok with telling her, I don't have the time right now.
Some people CAN'T see past their own navel. Pregnant people do talk about pregnancies and all kind of stuff, from constipation to whatnot. It's something women feel they can BOND with other women about. I think that is the center of it.
I also agree with Cindy, IF you call her a friend. BE a friend. That means if she ruins a bachelorette party you PULL her aside and tell her:" HEY I love you but this night isn't about you!" If she got upset, oh well. THAT is what a friend would do. You and the rest of the friends group "manage" her, "tolerate" her. Why? Does she ADD to your life? Their lives? If she is one of those people that you can only REALLY be around in small doses, well then ADJUST how you handle that.
It should be NO surprise that now that she is pregnant she is WAY more self-centered than usual. If you then take a person who is ALREADY all about herself and add pregnancy? I think the self-importance goes up exponentially. Like, times 10.
Time to reexamine how you want to go forward here WITH honesty and real friendship in mind.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 October 2020):
 Sorry but I think that, if you consider yourself her friend, and if you have decided it's worth to keep her friendship even if she is obviously a difficult person.... you just need to be more patient and allow her little pregnancy "me me me " moments. ALL ( ok,... most ) pregnant women are very auto-referential, and are prone to talk a lot about the ins and outs of their pregnancy ( and the think that always baffles me is that it does not cease with the 2nd or 3rd pregnancy...nah, it may be the 5th kid and they still have stuff to say ). With the difference that this one is a single mother in her 40s and she is going to face much bigger challenges than a younger , married mom, now and in the next future. That she decided willingly to have to face these challenges, and that maybe it wasn't the best possible decision, at least in other people's eyes... is neither here nor there. You talk about friendship, and call her your friend, -although she can be a bit obnoxious- and we are supposed to support our friends in their most delicate times,... as this late pregnancy is.
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