A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Help! I have almost been dating a guy for a year. He has a very strange relationship with his Mom. She’s very possessive over him. He lives in a mother in law apartment with his Parents.He makes sexual jokes with his Mom. Once I was down stairs and he walked out of his room naked and his Mom saw him. He then states I know you saw my big dong and starts laughing. He also, had a cup that says big daddy that his mom ordered. His dad is a always away on business. His mom hates leaving the house due to covid. Anyway, they have an odd relationship she messages his shoulders. He did have a recent injury but she does it every night. I also asked him to go to a party for Halloween. His mom screams were all staying in and watching movies. He has a son that he keeps every other week. His mom won’t watch him when I want him to spend time with me. She also got upset when he did come out to see me for a few hours. What’s her deal is she lonely? Do they have some ogling on? She teenage daughters but alway wants her 30 year old around. Maybe I’m over thinking it or should I run and not look back. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2020): I have a VERY close relationship with my family so my answer my seem a little biased.
It seems you are more jealous of the time and attention they have together,rather than sickened.I would have to ask you then is this something that deep down excites you?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2020): Girl you must say goodbye to this mama's boy forever.If you marry think about this there will always be three people in this relationship.You him and his mother.He will always side with her over you as she has more power over him than you will ever have.I wonder if she broke up the relationship he had with his child's mother? Get out...Never ever have kids with this man because mental illness is hereditary.There is a lot of mental illness with him and his mother.Just get out while you can.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2020): There is no over thinking on your end.This is not a normal relationship. There is obviously some incest involved here.I would run for the hills. Those guy feelings are placed there for a reason. I'd remove yourself from this relationship before you find out the hard truth in the future. I'm sure his mother will never have the gull to stop interfering.She'll be the reason for the brake up in the future. So why not now?
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (26 October 2020):
 The bottom line is that it is completely irrelevant what others think about your boyfriend, his mother or their relationship. As you have seen, everyone has a slightly different take on the situation. Nobody else is in a relationship with them whereas YOU are. If YOU don't feel comfortable with it, then nothing anyone else can say will change that. Why would it?
You are obviously not happy with the situation, which doesn't sound like it will change (certainly not any time soon). You have two choices: suck it up or ship out. Only you can make that decision.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2020): Hi all! I wrote the post. My boyfriends mother is gravely afraid of covid and does not want her son or grandson leaving the house.My boyfriend lives an hour away from me. I can visit but we just hang out with his mom. I interact more with my boyfriend child than I do him. I love his son. Last week my boyfriend paid a visit to me. His mother though a huge fit and said that he left his son. So, my boyfriends father brought his Grandson into town. His dad had business to attend to in my town. His dad hates being at home just FYI. So, he always leaves and goes to the family cabin. Anyway, his mother got mad and and said they’re not spending time with her. I only wanted one day and his son is no bother. That is one example of how things are. I am not looking for an excuse to walk away. I just find it odd he is almost 30 and he tells his mother everything and listens to what she says. That is my issue with my boyfriends mother. His father also tells his mother that she needs to stop being so controlling in his life. His father wants him to man up and move out.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (25 October 2020):
Have you two talked about a future together? If not, why not? You've been dating for a year. Surely you must have some idea of whether you want this relationship to become something serious or whether it's run its course?
Every family is different and I don't particularly find anything that strange in what you write, especially as it appears you are making some major assumptions. For instance, the Big Daddy mug I would guess would be from his child's mother (a "present from the child"?). I doubt his mother got it for him, unless it was as a bit of a joke or a present for Father's Day or something.
Assuming it is your boyfriend's mother's job to baby sit his child while he goes off galivanting with you is also rather presumptuous of you. She has raised her children. She is not the child's mother. While it is very kind of her to help out occasionally, it is not her job to look after her grandson while his own father is off with his girlfriend. Your boyfriend's priority should be his son, especially as he does not look after him full time. Are you, perhaps, a little bit jealous of the son, so trying to get your boyfriend to spend time alone with you when he should be looking after him? Why not do things together? After all, your boyfriend's son will always be his son. They come as a package. If you are planning on hanging around, you need to be comfortable with the child being around and to make time for him.
The shoulder massaging I don't find strange at all, assuming he enjoys it. If you are so uncomfortable with it, why not ask his mum to show you how to do it so you can take over?
Even the sexual jokes are not something which would worry me. My partner has sexual banter with his mother (who is in her late 80s). We often exchange birthday and Xmas cards with sexual innuendos on them. It is her sense of humour, and his, and I have never, for one second, found it at all threatening or strange. In fact, I think it is great that a lady, who is normally quite prim and proper, can relax and have a bit of a dirty joke with us all, including her son. Your boyfriend and his mum are obviously comfortable around each other, hence the jokes and the lack of embarrassment about nudity.
I suspect you are a tad jealous of the close relaxed relationship your boyfriend enjoys with his mother. She will always be his mother and you shouldn't try to get in between them. You should, even more importantly, not try to get between your boyfriend and his son.
I think the problem is yours. I'm not saying you are wrong, or that he is wrong, just that you have a problem with the relationships your boyfriend has with his family. I doubt much is going to change so you need to decide whether this is a deal breaker for you. Everyone is different. There is no right or wrong answer. It is down to how YOU feel about it all. If you cannot envisage spending years in this situation, then you need to cut your losses and leave.
I have a little inkling that you are actually looking for an excuse to end this relationship. You don't need an excuse. If it doesn't feel right, you have the right to end it and walk away and find something which suits you better.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2020): Sounds more like arrested-development, sick-humor, crassness, and symptoms of a mama's-boy.
Sharing dirty-jokes may be an old-habit; because they've taken care of each-other over the years, while his dad was absent on business. From the outside looking in, they're probably two odd-balls; and doing their best to shock you. It's probably a game they've played on all his girlfriends. As women can intuitively see through other women; you've picked-up on the fact she feels possessive over him. If she insists on massaging his shoulders, beat her to the draw. You go do it before she does; or suggest to her "I'll do that! He's got a girlfriend to do that now!" Hint...hint!
She needs to know the boundaries of family-appropriateness and respect your rights as his woman and partner...he's a man now, not a child! If she wants to get handsy or paw allover a man, go find her husband! Please don't quote that aloud...these comments are just my own campy observation! Which I'm sure we both share, but you shouldn't say to mama! Were you his wife? "Games-on beeyotch! Keep your claws to yourself!"
When confronting his mother, be sure to smile; and be light-hearted and humorous about it. You have no right to be accusatory. If you're snide or snarky; it will create unnecessary friction, and she'll go overboard to show you who's the mother here. Her head's twisted-on backwards, and she apparently has crossed boundaries too long to realize this is no longer appropriate behavior with her grown-son. She will try to defend it, but you and I know she'd be wrong! He's complicit and participatory, so they'll gang-up on you! Somehow you'll be the bad-guy! I wouldn't tolerate that for a skinny-minute! That's just me!
He's showing you grave disrespect, that you should firmly address! "Don't parade around like that while I'm here in-front of your mother! What am I supposed to think?"
I fully agree, this is creepy beyond all words; but mind how you approach them about it.
Careful when you're insinuating or implying incest or oedipus complex. Girlfriends and wives are quick to suspect that out of jealousy. If you truly believe that, then why don't you leave him?
You can address the issue, but just mind your tone.
You can be direct, and tell HIM that the sexually-toned humor he shares with his mother makes you very uneasy. You can also insist that he covers-up in-front of his mother; and remind him how strange that would appear in-front of most people. There's no shame in nudity, but there are boundaries. Explain that it feels inappropriate to you; and you find it most distasteful and gross. While with you, keep comments about his "ding-dong" to himself around his mother; that's no way to talk to your mother, or joke in-front of you as his girlfriend! That will get those things off your chest, out into the air; and he might be more on his best-behavior knowing how it must look to you...assuming your opinion and feelings matter to him.
If it continues and gets any worse; then see your way out of the situation. No sense in waiting around to see how bad it gets! I shiver as I type this! EEEEEWWWW!!!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (25 October 2020):
 It does sound a TAD "too familiar" for a mom and son, but I think it's more of a "first child" thing, where the mom puts most of her energy into that FIRST son and does everything she can to keep him close, and you know what? IT worked!
He must have dated his child's mother, right? But when that ended he moved back in with mom and dad. And he is still there.
It does seem rather possessive. And a little eww. I mean a grown as man walking around naked so his mom can "see his dong"? Just eww.
So is he LAZY and not all that independent? Mom does everything for him? Cook, clean, iron his underpants? Or is he struggling financially since the break up with the mother if his child?
I agree with CodeWarrior, that PRESUMING that his mom should watch the child so you two can go party is kind of rude on your behalf. You could (should) have asked him WAY in advance if he wanted to go and that he might want to find a baby sitter. Instead of presuming that his mom can just watch the kid.
I watched my niece's daughter for 2 years when the niece was at work. Half the days of the week I had her, half the days her friend had her. We kind of scheduled it around her work schedule and her friend's schedule. Usually she was at our house 3 days a week, sometimes overnight. Now when my niece wanted to party, she had to find herself a babysitter. Because I already wanted her daughter a lot and for free to help HER get on her feet. Going partying is not part of getting on your feet.
Maybe his mom don't want to DO his job with the child FOR him. Because it IS his job.
To be honest? I think you can find a better suited partner than him. Someone who doesn't LIVE with his parents, who doesn't have other main priorities (such as a child) and who has more TIME for you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2020): Mums are like that they love talking and listening to their sons especially if he is an only son. Also the dad being away most of the time probably brings them closer as she must be extremely lonely. My mum bless her soul was like that with me and I notice now my wife is the same with our only son. Except the bit about your bf's big dong and telling his mum dirty jokes. I admit that is a bit unusual. If he keeps his son every other week then you should have plenty of time with your bf on the free week. I honestly don't see a big problem here.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2020): Some of the stuff you mentioned (examples given) I don't find too strange however some of it is outright bizarre and would have me running and screaming certainly.For instance, the massaging the shoulders wouldn't bother me, nor would her not wanting to watch his kid. If he only sees his child once a fortnight then he should spent that time with his child.On the other hand, her screaming that you're all staying in an watching movies on Halloween is just strange. Why is your grown ass boyfriend letting his Mum dictate what he does? The most worrying thing of all though for me is that he walks around naked and makes sexual jokes, that right there is worrying and that right there is what would send me packing....yes of ALL things, even the fact that he still lives at home at the age of 30, the fact that he has a cup saying 'big Daddy' on it, and the fact that he won't stand his ground with his Mum, THAT part is what would send me running for the hills.Why? Because if he can't grow up at the age of 30 and set boundaries then he never will.Sure you could try and tell him to move out and be a bit more independent but it doesn't sound to me like he sees a problem and that right there is concerning.
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