A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I met a woman on one of the online dating sites. Our first meet up was on a Monday for dinner. We hit it off pretty good and she said so herself. I asked her if she would like to go out a second time to which she replied "yes". With that I asked her if she wanted to go out again on Friday to which she replied "I don't think so because I want to take this slow and make this relationship work" In my mind I took that answer as she was not really as interested in seeing me again as she stated. How do you make a relationship work by delaying a second date to an unknown day in the future? She did not explain what she meant by slow or how slow is slow. She did not indicate to me when she would be interested in going out again even though we talked an additional half hour or so. Basically she left it off that she will let me know when she is ready for a second date. Just to note I am no longer on the dating site but she is. Could it be she is just piling up the dates with several guys? I decided to move on and forget about this woman as I am not interested in a relationship where I see someone like one day every other week. To me that is rediculous but I would like some input.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 January 2014):
 I am with Honeypie on this, asking on Monday for a date on Friday does not sound desperate to me , just eager . And to a person who is equally as interested and supposedly wants " the relationship " to work, the eagerness would be flattering and welcome, not annoying.
As for the fear of third date pressure, it does not make much sense to me. Sure she may feel the pressure , or that she will be pressured, to get intimate too early, by the third date- but if the third date happens in 3 weeks, 3 mnths or 3 years.. it will still be only the third date anyway !, it's not delaying the dates that you avoid the problem of becoming intimate too soon . It would be soon bccause it's only the third date, not because not enough days have passed between dates !
I think she is still loking around and keeping her options open. She may be somewhat interested, she might have enjoyed the date with you ... but she is still on the dating site and casting her ( Inter)nets to see if there's better fish around. Let's say she was favourably impressed but definitely not overwhelmed.
Not that she is doing anything incorrect by current dating site etiquette. She is well in her rights to do so.
Then again, you are also well in your rights if you look for someone different, someone who will only try them out one at a time, and who wants to invest more time and energy in getting to know you and hopefully building a relationship. In this I agree with you, one thing is being desperate and overeager, and another one meaning business, i.e. not wanting to invest years in knowing a person or, worse, in waiting that she makes up her mind. At a date every 2 or 3 weeks... it takes forever and it sure does not show a lot of enthusiasm !
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (8 January 2014):
 How long are you going to wait for her to set a date for the second date? Do you two still "talk" (text/phone)? Or was a great date and then silence?
I don't think asking for a second date (when the first went well) at the end of the week (like you did) I don't see that as being desperate at all, more like eager, which is a good thing. That way she knows you are interested.
Now Personally, I would stick to one date a week, and ALWAYS in public, so there is no pressure of sex looming over the dates.
And I also wouldn't take my profile down after ONE date (no matter how successful the date felt).
Her leaving her profile up doesn't MEAN she is seeing other people, but it COULD mean she could be talking to others and keeping her options open.
If you feel more comfortable dating ONLY one woman at a time, I think that is great but apparently it's all the rage to date multiple people when you are on dating sites, I guess to make the search for Mr./Mrs Right faster. I don't believe in shortcuts like that myself, but it DOES seem the norm.
I WOULD expect exclusivity by 4-5 months, so not the traditionally 3 dates and then sex. I guess I'm old school. And I'm so glad I'm NOT dating in this day and age. I have a good friend and my BIL who are both doing the Dating Online thing and boy the stories lol.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (8 January 2014):
If I was you I wouldn't worry about one woman's time frame. You could be dating other women while she takes things slow.
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (8 January 2014):
 I'm not saying all women consider this, or all men expect it, but it seems like there's a lot of pressure on women to become intimate with their partner on or shortly after the "third date."
Your date may have been worried that if you two went out again Friday she'd be expected to get physical (or have to awkwardly decline doing so) as early as a week or two from now - which, in the great scheme of things, isn't long at all to know someone before sexual activity with that person, ESPECIALLY if either party has more "traditional" values.
This may well be what she meant by "taking things slow."
As for the fact she hasn't removed her dating profile, while I can see how that would be worrisome to you, the fact is you don't have the right to expect that she take herself "off the market," if you will, after only one date. The ONLY point at which you won't appear clingy in making such a demand is if and when you formally ask her to be your girlfriend or otherwise have a conversation with her asking to be exclusive.
I have been in the situation you're in, and yes, it's upsetting and frustrating to know that the person you like isn't quite sure about you and is still looking, but it's too early in the dating process for you to ask that she not do that. If she gets serious about you, she will stop looking of her own volition.
I think you may have been a bit premature in writing her off under the assumption that she'd only want to see you once a week if you two entered into a relationship. There's a very big difference between taking things slow when casually dating and restricting all contact with one's committed partner. I think you will find that almost no one looking for a serious relationship dreams of only seeing their partner once a week.
It may be too late to pursue anything with this particular woman, but keep the above in mind for future reference.
Good luck and best wishes :)
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (8 January 2014):
 Once every other week is not that terribly bad for first getting to know someone. However, it sounds like she's keeping her options open and dating other men. That's what many people do on dating sites, and is trying to wait til she finds the one she knows she really wants.
I would wait until you find someone who isn't wanting to date a million others.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2014): ok. you sound desperate. and this is a turn off. if she said she will let you know when shes ready for a second date. wait for it. i am no saying wait your whole life. but give yourself a time frame. if she doesnt. then you can contact her again and ask. if she said in that moment no because bla bla bla.... is when you move on.
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