A
female
age
51-59,
*ane12
writes:Please, no judgment. All I want is a sympathetic advice.I met this man 3 years ago, and it was a love from first glance. Our situation is:he is single, divorced 12 years ago, never got remarried, i am married my wholle life to a wonderfull man, we have a grown up daughter together. I was very comfortable w/my husband and still am, I never asked for this to happen.you know how it is at first, we started seeing each other every other week, it was magic. I don't know what I was thinking but I didn't want it to be just sex, I wanted SOME companionship, SOME affection, I felt like I am not getting what I wanted, so 4 months later i left.To make a very long story short, since then under different curcumstances we broke up 3 times and now we are KIND OF started seeing each other again, but how...Now he is even more aloof than before. He regularly calls me, or sends e-mails. But we don't see each other very often, sometimes 3 -4 weeks go by. Also, it's always him that desides when we see each other. I fell like a concubine.I started having an impression that I am being kept just in case he needs me. I told him that asking not to do it with me, if that's the case. Always gentle, half joking answer, reassurance that I am very much admired and so on...The last month I started acting aloof too. I am not even that happy anymore when I see his messages, not rushing to call him back. It's not that I stoped liking him, passion is there, a lot, it's just being constantly frustrated from his behaviour.And , of-course i understand the situation, and him. I don't belong to him, and he knows that there is absolutely no reason for me to leave my husband. Couple weeks ago I was trying again to have a converstaion w/him telling him how I feel no closeness after 3 years and that I can't just come to his house for 1 hour sex, and it would be better for me to leave again. What do i hear in answer:" Sweety, how can you imagine life without passionate relationship that we have"Now I am on a verge to tell him not to call me again. I know he is dating women, how can he not. During this 3 years he started 2 relationships, and 1 he broke up, another very recent, she. So, he IS looking for a mate, and he should, I am o.k. w/it. Sometimes I wish he could find someone finally, and settle down, then our situations would be equal.So, I can call it agony for me, never ending. everything is good in my life: I have a succesfull business, that is passion of my life, I am financially comfortable, have a healthy child, good friends, my parent are alive, what else is there to wish for.And this is how I lived my whole life until age of 39 until I met him. that's why i am leaving him from now and then because this situation makes me exausted.So, basically to finalize what I was trying to say, what I want from him is to realize at last that he can't play w/ my mind anymore and become a friend and a lover that i want him to be or leave me along. At this point I really would just like to be left alone, as I don't belive that he will change. What do you guys think, how else i should tell him that or act so he would understand
View related questions:
broke up, divorce Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, jane12 +, writes (10 September 2009):
jane12 is verified as being by the original poster of the questiono my god, you're right I do have no remorse, how did you figure that out?!!
I guess i was looking for more sofisticated answers, sorry.
I guess I'am spoiled by people who are more generous in heart and sensitive. Sorry, everyone, my fault
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2009): TO THE MODS, please post my response to Jane who has decided to be judge and EXECUTOR and her blatant attack on the aunts who had the decency to respond to her. Thank you.My dear Jane. Let me get this straight. You dare condemn the aunts here who have given you advice you need to hear rather than playing into your sympathetic whims about your affair. How dare you. you condemn realistic advice, in fact you look down upon the aunts here. all of a sudden you sound so morally sound. where did this come from all of a sudden. suddenly you get on a moral high ground and ATTACK the aunts for calling a spade a spade.sure you will get sympathetic advise, the same people condoning wrongdoing all the time. the same people saying hey, "take the loaded gun and just pull the trigger". but then you will also get realistic people, who will tell you, 'be careful, that gun is loaded." I know who i will trust!so my dear Jane, full of condemnation and no remorse whatsoever, you are not confused, you are not remorseful, you are certainly not vulnerable. you seem to have all the answers, you belittle the advice and recommendations made to you. self righteous and so pompous! no wonder you have messed up so badly. after all you know it all, you still will do it all and honestly, you have no inkling what morals, ethics and honesty is all about.am i judging you? NO. I am merely telling you what you have responded.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2009): Thanks for following up,softtouchman.
When people come to this site they are obviosly disturbed w/situation, so the worst thing that other people can do when they give advice is being critical and ask questions like "What does it say about you as a person". I am sure if this person digs into his past or even present he would find himself being at fault at some point.
I don't need to be told that I am being 'bad', we are not in kindergarten. I am disoriented a little, and to some point unhappy and disturbed. This affair obviosly doesn't do any good for my piece.
It's not that I don't have something at home and I was looking for it somewhere else.
As I said before it happened one day, I fell in love, WITHOUT looking for it. It just happened.
And I was trying to end it 3 times, it was always me who left. After a certain period of time he would contact me one way or another, and I would give in and start it all over again, because I was in love.
Well, I am ending it again for the 4th time, this time without even telling him, I 'll just stop any communication.
Thanks for taking your time in answering, I did feel attacked a little though. I wish people could share on this wonderfull site without fear of being attacked, judged or critisized.
...............................
A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (9 September 2009):
 Jane you're right. There were one or two remarks here and there. But there are few "judgers" here. Most everyone tried to answer your question and offer the best possible advice they could think of -- given what you wrote.
We're all thinking of ways to help you cope with this dilemma. Some of us here have been involved in extramarital relationships, some would never do that. Everyone's different from each other including you. No one's a saint. We're all human.
We all know that there's some turmoil going on in this situation, and most everyone here doesn't want you to suffer.
Inevitably, though, it seems most people are going to express some sympathy for your husband in this. That's not the same thing as judging you.
When I answered your question, I was thinking that the passion you were experiencing, and the desire to receive companionship and affection were all things you were not receiving at home. You said you were comfortable with your husband. So the advice I gave you, at least, was to try and look to him for what it is that you desired since it appeared this other man in your life wasn't giving you what you wanted to begin with.
Ideally as humans we get married to share our lives together. So most of the people answering are concerned that you aren't getting that in your life. That's all.
Nothing said here was meant to hurt you, insult you, demean your business acumen, or insult your intelligence or maturity.
I also wrote you had the choice to tell your husband about this affair, or simply forget it and move on in your home life (without telling him).
Like I said, we're looking at it from objective points of view and trying to help you. That's all.
If you wanted a yeah or nay, I think as far as the playboy in your life, the answer was in your question: "dump the guy."
...............................
A
female
reader, jane12 +, writes (9 September 2009):
jane12 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, I thought that would happened. I knew I would run into a couple of "saints" here who never did any mistakes in their lifes , soo perfect and BETTER than the rest of the world. And look he is talking : Men, those who never miss any opportunity to cheat. That leave so many hearts broken before they find that perfect one, than few years later they start doing it again because this is how they are created.People come to this site because they are in trouble. We are all humans, we all do things that make us vulnerable and confused. People don't come to this site to being critisized and lectured about morality. If i wanted that I would go church.That was no help for me your ignorant remarks. Also i don't believe that those of you who feel soo bad about my husband in your innocence, Ussualy those who talk a lot about morality are the ones who is lacking it.
...............................
A
female
reader, jane12 +, writes (9 September 2009):
jane12 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionmy first words when i wrote it were, 'please no judgment', softtouchman.
And this is what i get. You're calling my husband a victim, not knowing anything about our family. i asked advice not with what to do w/my husband, i am pretty sure I can figure it out myself. That's the stupidest thing on earth to tell your spouse about an affair, my opinion. It never did any good to anyone, only broken hearts and families.
We do have a lot of affection in my family and do many many things together always. that's not the point, and I don't have a cloud over my eyes.
You right in one thing I do need to leave him permanently.
he just happened unexpectedly. I was not looking for a lover, but When i experienced it it's like a drug. You get such an incredible pleasure out of these few hours together, that you have a very hard time to say 'no' to this. And I am not a horny teenager, I am a grown woman, who lived a life.
I pictured it diferently when it started. I pictured it to be like it was w/my husband, like the only relationship I ever new. i even told him that. He said, that I can't have 2 husbands.
Well, anyway, thanks for answering. Not was I was looking for, but thanks
...............................
A
male
reader, Beingblack  +, writes (9 September 2009):
 Jane12, how can you ask for sympathetic advice? You are cheating on your husband! Do you want people here to feel sorry for you, because you can't let go of your lover?I have read your post several times over. You are clearly feeling very confused, and hurt, and your mind is in turmoil. But please, you are overlooking the fact that you have a husband at home, a relationship which is based entirely upon mutual trust and respect, as well as a symbolic ring on your finger. And you have destroyed everything.I have looked at your situation from many angles, cut it, analysed it, and put myself in your shoes. I believe that you cannot possibly love your husband. Maybe you did once, and might again. The trouble seems to be that you have lost your own self respect, and your sense of responsibility. You are not talking here about the 'love of your life'. This is a man who has clearly been using you for sex, and stringing you along. You might find this exciting, or whatever. But all the time, you are deceiving the man whom you married. And lying to him, and digging a bigger and bigger hole for yourself. You can never climb out of it, with your both your integrity and your marriage intact. Is it worth the bother?There are millions of couples in the world in a similar situation, where one partner is a regular cheat, and the other is blissfully unaware. It makes me wonder why they are still together. Financial reasons? Because of what others might think? Or because they can get away with it? Is it fear of being alone? Because you are now more alone than ever.You really need to tell your husband. If you love him, that is the only option. You can keep deceiving him of course. But what does that say about you as a person? As for this man, my guess is that he will run a mile if and when your husband finds out. He only wants you, because he can't really have you. Make yourself available to him, and the thrill is gone for him. My sympathy goes to your husband.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2009): Sympathetic advice? I would prefer to give that to your husband.
...............................
A
female
reader, shna  +, writes (8 September 2009):
 ok s mabye this guy offers you a lot of passion that you dnt have in your marraige but think about it if u were young again without your family, husband, buisness or with the great life you have and you were seeing this guy and he treated you like this . . would you stay?
your basically his bootycall when he has no arrangement with other girls he knows your there waiting he basically knows if he wants somthing off you . . hes going to get it . i think you should leave him not only becasue your married and this could all end horribly wrong if you were ever found out but he treats you like the shit on his shoe . . leave him and dont go back
...............................
A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (8 September 2009):
I think you need to leave him and start shopping at home. In other words, just cut the guy off permanently. He's making you miserable and you're tired of him. Put it this way, he was a playmate, not an intimate future interest.
You say your husband is a wonderful man. If he is, then one thing you could do is instead of trying to squeeze passion and all the other things out of your extra-marital relationship, with a guy who is basically playing with you, try talking to your husband about what you really want in your marriage.
I hate to say this, but the real victim here's your husband. If he's so good to you, then I think he could do a great deal more for you if you talked to him about meeting your own emotional and physical needs and finding out a little more about what he wants out of your marriage. You're alone now, your child is grown. So you have a great deal of freedom and time together, or even if you don't, make a lot of time to bring the two of you back together again.
The man you were seeing seems to be in it for the thrill, not the ride. In other words, he doesn't want you to be a permanent fixture in his personal life; he wants you to be his consort, or as you said it concubine.
You have two options here. The first of course is that you can tell your husband about the affair, try and seek forgiveness, etc. Or you can just look at him, forget about the affair entirely, and try and make a great deal more time for him, and reignite the things that made your marriage happy and fulfilling when it started.
There are a number of things you can do with your husband. Maybe try and spend time together doing things you both enjoy, or get interested in what he likes to do that you never tried before.
One of the beautiful things in life is if you have an otherwise happy marriage, working on it and making it better is much more fulfilling than looking outside of it.
As for the man you were seeing, he's a player. He has no interest in remarriage and his only future prospects are playing the field. He's not monogamous, he's a womanizer. That's fine, he's a good time. But he's not a long-term prospect.
Focus on what you already have in front of you. Lift the clouds from your eyes, sober up. Learn to be affectionate and close to the man you married. If he's not affectionate or attentive, tell him you crave that and need it especially now.
...............................
|
