A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm worried about a friend of mine and was wondering if anyone has an advice.He dated this woman for over a year. They fought a lot, he cheated on her, etc. During that time he confided in his close friends, including myself so we knew exactly what was going on. Because he never seemed happy with her, we told him to break up with her.He didn't but she broke up with him. He cheated on her and she caught him. I was kind of relieved because it meant that he could date someone else and maybe be happy. That didn't happen because they got back together. Ever since they did, we don't recognize him at all. He promised her to change himself completely to be with her. He stopped hanging out with us, calling, we just get a text once a week that he's doing fine. He changed almost every aspect of his life, he even changed his diet to make her happy.I wonder, first of all, how long can this last? How long can a person pretend to be someone else to make another person happy?I personally think that in a long run he might begin to hate her for making him change himself completely.It has been two months since he disappeared from our lives and I miss having him around. Am I wrong to be even saying this?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2016): I tried that once. I lasted six months as the "new" me before completely losing it and sinking into a bad depression. And I lost a couple close friends in the process. One of them asked me once what happened to the "old me" and I didn't even know how to explain it. I felt so lost and confused. The relationship ended a few months after that...after I confusingly tried to explain to the man I was dating that the person he loved wasn't even a real person, just me trying to be the person he wanted.Talk about a messed up situation.Anyway, I will be shocked if he can keep that up for more than a year. I believe people can change an aspect or two for a partner in a healthy way. E.g., "I started being more punctual, it's important to my partner", or, "I started working out to be in better shape." But when a person changes EVERYTHING...it can't last. He'll go crazy! You'll just have to wait it out.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2016): You're right. It's been only 2 months and he keeps in touch once a week, but we used to go out every Friday so his absence is truly missed.
I have known him for a long time and know that in the long run this transformation will not make him happy. I just don't want him to waste his time.
As far as him cheating again, I can't be 100% sure and neither can he. He has done so many times that it would be out of character if he didn't do it again.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 February 2016):
 Yeah but it makes sense, doesn't it ?
If you are so sure that he is putting up a front, and sooner or later he will stray again... ( quite possible :
" once a cheater always a cheater " is not a scientific law, of course, but let's say is a good statistics predictor of where things may be headed )... and if he is the type who likes to keep his options open... it makes sense that he would keep in touch with his ex-lover, to keep her ready and available just in case.
Friends, he's got them already and can always get them back , or make new ones. Sex -on-tap , and as a side dish too, may be not so easy for the average Joe to get. If he is not exceptional in looks, or charme, or wealth, or status, or SOMETHING- it may take him some doing convincing a new lady to be his secret tryst. Ergo, he's more focused on keeping in touch with this lady you mention, than with other people.
Plus, maybe you have overrated the strength of this friendship ? I have no idea, and in your case for all I know maybe you were best friends with this guy since kindergarten so you have grounds to be so upset- but I have noticed , time and again, how people are ready to label as " friends " those who are in fact more like social acquaintances. It's not because you have pleasant group outings, or shared hobbies, or interesting conversations every now and then with somebody, that this is the sign of a deep, long lasting connection. Not all people are meant to stay in our emotional world forever. With some, you just share pleasantly a part of your life path, then something comes up to distract them ( or you ) and you both end up going separate ways. Personally I find this very normal,just a fact of life, but I see that many other people instead struggle with this idea.
Lastly, aren't you fussing a bit too prematurely ? He has not disappeared, he is keeping regularly in touch once a week ! And it's only two months ! that he did not join your outings... I think that if a good friend , for whatever reason of his / hers , signals that he/she needs some breathing space for a while- the best is giving them their breathing space without judgements or critiques or anxieties. IF they really value the friendship, they will come back on their own when they are good and ready.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (8 February 2016):
 He seems to like drama, keeping the ex-fling around and pretending to do as the current GF wants. Because I don't think people change over night. No matter how badly they want to be with someone... So who knows.
But I can tell you this, he is a sucky friend. Someone who ditches long term friends over a GF/BF IS not a good friend.
As to what he will do... who cares? His life, his mess.
Go make new friends or focus on those you have instead of this guy... He has his own motivations and had decided to NOT include you in his life and his plans. What else can you do besides leave him be and focus on those who WANTS to be around you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, my post is selfish and I am aware of it. I also think that people don't change and can't imagine him keeping on this charade for a long time.
And here is something else I know. He's still talking to the girl he cheated on his girlfriend with and it's killing me that he ditched me and other friends but keeps in touch with her.I think he will cheat again and it makes me mad that he can't see that I miss him as a friend yet keeps in touch with some chick he slept with. What do you think he'll do?
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (7 February 2016):
 Your post is selfish. Which is allowed, Im just pointing that out to you. You're not writing because you're worried about your friend, nor should you be. He can take care of himself and he's not doing this at gun point. His choice. But it doesn't suit you, you miss hanging out, and you dislike this change because you're excluded and apparently been deemed not good enough for him (or her).
But, really, so what. You have other friends. If he found you so easy to give up on, and found it so easy to ditch you all, then that says a lot about him and how much he valued the friendship. Let this one go and don't hold on to any hopes that he will return. He chose to leave, so let him be there with her and himself and no friends. That's his choice.
As for how long this can go on? Well people don't change, but it sounds to me like he's a person who isn't trustworthy (cheating) and isn't loyal (cheating and ditching friends), so if you ask me... he will continue to be who he is. He'll make new friends and then ditch them too for some chick. As for if he'll ever "come back" to you? He wasn't ever yours, and again, he apparently didn't think that highly of your friendship even if you valued him. Apparently you didn't matter as much to him as he did to you. Just accept this and let it go. This is who he is, don't forget that. He's a guy who's not trustworthy, and not loyal.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (7 February 2016):
As much as it SUCKS to watch someone you care about make major mistakes, it IS his life, his choices his mistakes to make. NOT yours.
So what I would do it leave him be for a while, let him figure all that out on his own. He probably even know it now, but is too stubborn to accept that they are a sucky match.
Some people aren't happy unless they have those around them as miserable as themselves, they feel a need for drama and chaos. It makes them feel "loved".
And it can be as simple as this guy thinking/wanting to BE the man she wants.
Not much you can do. Wish him luck and back away.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2016): Well they got back together,cause he realized, after they broke up, how he really felt about her, if they are happy, let them be happy, its called love, he is lucky, she took him back
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