A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years, but I have been not very happy in our relationship for a few months. I suffer from depression and feel very angry and sad a lot of the time, and my partner is the one who has to deal with it. There are several things that I feel to be wrong in our relationship, but I'm having trouble deciding whether it's all in my head or if we really should break up. It makes it hard when we live together to get any time to collect my thoughts and figure out how I feel. So here are the problems:1. He always says no to EVERYTHING at first. Whenever I suggest us doing something together or trying something new, he says no. He will quickly change his mind once he sees that I am upset, and agree to do what I want, but it kind of ruins it when he says no at first.2. He puts me down (unintentionally). This is a classic example of problems 1 and 2: my brother (who lives with us) suggests that we go in a charity 5km mud obstacle course as a group for fun. I say I'm keen, then my BF says to me straight away 'you aren't fit enough to even walk 5kms'. While I don't exercise and I am unfit, I thought this was extremely insensitive and hurtful. 3. He is very difficult to communicate with sometimes. It drives me insane when I'm trying to make chit chat with him, and his brain is somewhere else. I'll ask him something and he will just give me short closed answers. Especially when he gets home from work. He will say that he's tired or in a bad mood, but then when one of our housemates talks to him he will respond with more enthusiasm. 4. We barely have sex anymore. Enough said.How do you break up when you live together?How could I try and make our relationship better?Am I overreacting? Would appreciate any advice please!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2013): Oh, my boyfriend and I had the same exact problems when we moved in together. We talked and talked at each other, yelling and screaming.
We finally got our own place and things significantly improved.
Get treated for your depression. Clinical depression doesn't go away or get better on it's own. Get some help.
A
female
reader, llifton  +, writes (19 March 2013):
 your problems in my honest opinion, don't sound that bad. if these are the worst of your problems, i'd say you're both doing pretty well!!in reference to #1. that is frustrating. a few additional details and examples would be beneficial to know exactly what you mean. have you explained this to him and tried to communicate how it makes you feel? #2 while it IS somewhat insensitive, it sounds like he wasn't trying to be hurtful, just honest or perhaps funny. i mean, you admitted yourself that you aren't very fit. he's just stating the obvious. is it also possible that he was joking? i could see myself saying that just to poke fun at myself or the person i'm with. it's not a reference to being fat or anything. being over weight and not fit are two different things. you can be thin but still not be able to run 5km. you have a right to have it bother you if it does, but i don't think he means it the way you're taking it.#3 i can honestly say it's a pet peeve of mine when people don't listen or pay attention. i can completely relate to this one. my ex used to do this. we didn't break up becauese of it, but it certainly didn't make things any better. it's not a deal breaker for me, personally, but it's annoying. definitely let him know how you feel about it if you haven't already.#4 relationships take work. things start to fizzle out inevitably. and if attempts aren't made to spice things up and keep things exciting, this is common. it takes effort from both to keep the sex life alive and exciting. it's up to you if you feel like things aren't worth salvaging. i think the problems are solveable but that's just an outsiders opinion. if you're unhappy and decide to leave, do you have friends or family you could stay with until you can actually get a new place? or until he does? or if you just need a bit of time to clear your head, once again, friends or family could offer you a place for a week or two to get your mind right. best of luck.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 March 2013):
 I love what KC has said… and can’t really improve on it but I will add these things:
1. You are depressed. YOU MUST TREAT this and get this under control before you do anything. DO NOT MAKE LIFE ALTERING decisions while depressed. See a doctor and find a medication that helps your depression. IT may take several attempts and months to find one that works and does not affect your libido or worse your ability to orgasm.
2. He says no at first.. maybe that’s just what he needs to do to assimilate the idea if it’s a new one. He may not do well with change and thrives on schedules and the known and new things may upset him. Clearly he cares enough about you that he is willing to go outside his comfort zone and do things to make you happy that he would rather not do. THIS IS A GOOD THING
3. You interpreted his statement “you aren’t fit enough to even walk 5kms” as an insult when it’s probably a statement of fact and what makes you angry is that it’s the truth and sometimes the truth hurts. IT wasn’t insensitive and hurtful… what would happen if you do to do this charity 5km obstacle course and because you are not fit you get hurt? Will you realize then that perhaps his concern was not that you are unfit (as an insult) but rather that you (his love) not get hurt? BTW if you are unfit at 22 you will be in danger of being crippled like me at 50… please consider getting fit… it’s better for you in the long run.
4. I love to chit chat. My husband thinks it’s noise and tunes me out… it’s not an insult he only wants to talk when it’s IMPORTANT… When I get home from work I don’t’ want to talk to my husband.. I want to go upstairs, change my clothes, have a lovely private time in the potty and get comfy…. My dad did that every night when he came home… there is a need for a transition time when you come from your day to your home.
5. You have how many housemates???? I’m sorry I do not see how committed long term couples can or should have housemates… if you can’t afford your home DOWNSIZE… I would NOT want to deal with other adults in my home daily if I’m in a committed LTR on a daily regular basis. Emergencies or short term stays are totally different. NON committed people sharing a home is different. COUPLES need privacy.
6. Maybe your not having sex due to your depression or your housemates? Define barely… to some barely means once a week, to some once a month to others if it’s only every other day it’s not enough. If your sex drive is higher than his, well then that may be an issue.
7.I would not recommend “a break” as I see them as the beginning of the end. But I suggest you get some counseling and work on the depression and then ask him what he wants…and if you feel that he wants to make it work and you want to make it work then you need to sit and talk…. If you can’t do it alone a couples counselor can facilitate conversations that need to be had.
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (19 March 2013):
 There are a number of issues here, but overall should you break up with him over this? In my opinion this answer is no. If all he does is unintentionally put you down occasionally (we all do this to people we care about from time to time, I'm sure you cannot say you've never done this to him), not talk to you much when he comes home from work and doesnt show much enthusiasm for doing new things, then he isnt exactly worst boyfriend of the year is he? He's not cheating, he is not untrustworthy, he is not abusive to you, he doesnt ignore you all the time (you just have an issue with when he comes home from work), he isnt rude to you.....these would be good reasons to break up with someone.
I will go through all the problems that I can see from your post:
1. Your depression. Are you being treated for this? Obviously this will take its toll on both of you, and it will affect your relationship so you need to seek help to get it under control. I think this may be part of the reason why your boyfriend shows more enthusiasm talking to your housemates compared to you - he will enjoy talking to someone who isnt angry with him or getting upset with him. I know that's not nice to you, but you have to look from his perspective: with your depression, as you have admitted, you take it out on him. So he associates you with sadness, crying and anger. Whereas his housemates will be a welcome break from that, so you cant really blame him for being a bit more excited to talk to your housemates because he wont get any grief from them.
2. This brings us onto the next issue: HOUSEMATES. Why are you living with other people? That is not a great environment for a relationship, you cant have the time alone that couples need, there are always other people around to get involved in your issues, there is little privacy.....I very much doubt any relationship would flurish when you are living with housemates. Surely this must affect your sex life too? I know I personally would not want to have frequent sex when there are people in the next room who can hear!
In general I think it sounds like your boyfriend is fed up to be honest, dealing with your depression is going to wear him down and its not his fault for finding it tough, if you are just taking it out on him and you are not getting help for your illness he is really going to struggle to be positive. Hence why he automatically says 'no', because he has no enthusiasm for this relationship anymore. The put downs are natural, we all do it to our partners on odd occasions and I dont think you can get too upset by it. If I were you I'd use his put down and prove him wrong, actions speak louder than words so show him that you can do it and that will shut him right up. His comment was more poking fun at you, because you admit yourself you are not fit so how on earth you expect to be able to do a 5km obstacle course is a bit ambitious, so he was just making fun of you. But if you really find it that hurtful just prove him wrong and that will stop him from doubting you again. The short closed answers again will come from him being tired of the relationship, perhaps he associates conversations with you always detoriating into you getting upset and angry, so it is easier to give short answers so they cant upset you and set off your depression.
What you need to do is have a heart to heart with your boyfriend, and find out how he feels about the relationship, and if he is happy. Be honest that you havent been happy in the last couple of months and have started to think about ending the relationship, and explain your reasons like you have told us here.
I dont think your living situation and your depression is going to be helping, living with housemates is not ideal, you have said yourself you would like some time alone to think and your depression is just making everything worse. Is there any friends or family you could stay with for a while just to get your head straight? I dont think you are going to be truly happy with any man until your depression is under control, so realistically you need time alone to sort the illness out and start getting better.
I dont think this is worth breaking up over, but you both sound pretty fed up and neither of you sound particularly happy. You need to get your depression sorted as your number one priority, and then you can start talking to your boyfriend about what to do next.
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A
female
reader, NORA B  +, writes (19 March 2013):
This is very difficult for you and i do understand your situation.Would you consider having an indept chat with your boyfriend and tell him how you feel .If this does not work I would suggest maybe if you both were to have a meeting with a counsellor and see wher it goes from there .Kind Wishes Nora B,
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