A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear CupidI'm with my bf for almost two years. We have a good relationship, not much drama, we both prefer that way. He is introvert but in social situations he can have fun if he wants to. I'm an introvert who is socially shy and Don't have many friends to begin with. So we usually hang out with his friends. I'm not born in UK, so my culture is totally different from his and sometimes when he talks to his friends and have fun, i feel left alone. But since I'm basically very adjustable, that never created issues for me. But there is this one girl who is always there in the party , she is friends friend, broke up with her long term bf (fiance) 2 years back and dating with no success. I believe she is hitting on my bf heavily, she touches his face (cupping the face) or his hair, he has a very good hair... I don't feel comfortable with this, when I brought this up once he said she is not flirting, she is just friendly. No one else in the group behaves the way she does, don't know if it's normal here. And my bf also said if it makes me uncomfortable i can tell her not to touch him. I don't like that idea eithet, after all its not my body she is touching isn't . How will I tell someone not to touch someone else body or face as it doesn't belong to me. Am i overreacting or making it out of proportion , please help me. Please be noted, he never gave me reason to get jealous, he is always a nice considerate bf who is okie with me being silent or be myself in the party or even our culture differnce is not much of any issue for us. I really like him, i dont want her to take him away for me,. Btw she is younger than me and him (I'm older than my bf) and she is from this country and she is cute. she is like an younger (whiter, I'm dark) and sociable version of me (we both are curvy petites and my bf prefers curves). Am i being jealous ? Please help, sorry about the long rant.
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broke up, flirt, jealous, petite, shy Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, 02DuszJ  +, writes (4 November 2017):
 So what? It's not about other men or their reactions- he LETS another woman put her hands all over him. ALLOWING this is DISRESPECTFUL AND HUMILIATING to you.
It doesn't matter what shes after, it matters that HE wants her hands over him.
Guna be blunt- a man/woman who doesn't WANT Someone's flirty hands all over them will TELL them where their place is.. what is this woman's place for your bf?
if he doesn't tell her to back off and if it keeps happening he has no respect for you- and if you keep kidding yourself YOU have no respect for yourself.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2017): You see, OP. She is the one with problems. I'm sure the men all see that she is trying much too hard. And pity her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for the responses. I'm the OP. We met this girl in another party after this incident and she was the same with all the guys who are not single. Guess my bf is not that special :-), she is trying hard to get into a relationship, hasnt found anyone yet, so flirts with all non single guys.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2017): Reverse psychology sweetie.Let her.And join in.Show her you know her game and then laugh it off.She's doing it to get under your skin. She's a competitive and insecure little b*tch. The fact you get visibly upset and your BF doesn't seem to shut her down seems to appeal to her massive ego.Some women think they are all that when they lure attention away from another woman's man. News flash! She ain't all that special as most men would lap it up. Her overt flirtation is making her look desperate and pathetic by the way. You already have him. And don't need to stoop.Hold your head up high. Be confident. Live your life as if she is not a threat. Fake it til you make it sweetie. Leave it alone. Show him and her you are not wavering.Cause you know your worth. And if he doesn't, you can find a man who does. You should never have to fight for any man's attention. He should give it to you and only you willingly. If his eye wanders so easily, then he is not worth having.I think if he sees you aren't playing the jealousy game, and maybe engage in a few extra activities in other groups or lightly flirt with other males in his presence, he should get the picture.Sometimes you have to back off and play it cool. It can do wonders. Trying too hard to hold on can produce the opposite effect.You have way more power than you credit yourself for. Don't give it up to the likes of her. She's just waiting for you to explode. Don't give her that satisfaction.You'd be surprised at how people are infuriated when they have NO effect on you! Best revenge or tactic is being happy! Showing them they are not a worthy opponent nor worth being upset about.Wish you well. :)
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A
female
reader, 02DuszJ +, writes (1 November 2017):
Please give us an update on your situation
I just want to say that being shy/ introverted just means you're less sociable and are more comfortable spending a lot of time alone.
It's not like a CONDITION that prevents you from sticking up for yourself.. don't ever tell yourself that. You're not used to sticking up for yourself so it might be daunting, but don't make it so- we're not saying get her in the ring for a show-down- do not go in guns blazing, but like Wiseowl said- be assertive but civilized, just pull her to one side and say "I'd appreciate if you respected boundaries, as I'm not comfortable with you flirting and fondling my bf" etc.
It was hard typing that because if I was in your situation, I would have not been as calm and nice.. ;)
A lot of women would have knocked her teeth in TBH (not the best way though)
Point is any confident woman would do one of the above in this situation.
There is a difference between introversion and having low confidence- and honestly it sounds in your case like you don't have a lot of confidence- which can be remedied. Try new things, do things you're afraid of (like this) and try and socialise more- just for practice.
It's not a healthy mindset to let people treat you like dirt- and it will get worse, you will end up an anxious wreck with 0 self esteem, if you don't stand up against people.
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A
female
reader, 02DuszJ +, writes (1 November 2017):
Make one last attempt to fully explain to him WHY it's unacceptable and how it makes you feel. If he shows no signs of improvement then leave this relationship- because him continuing this behavior means he doesn't love you- it happens all the time. BUT he should be honest with you and not just go ahead flirting with other women- and you can do a lot better than a cheat.
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A
female
reader, 02DuszJ +, writes (1 November 2017):
That IS her being over-friendly. She is either wanting to whore attention from men in general- or is after your bf. Cupping your face is TOO intimate. The best way to describe it is couples behavior!
There are guys with their head in a box type, a bit socially inept to recognizing social cues and may not understand her signs- unfortunately when they DID realise (you told him) they would of STOPPED IF they were loyal and LOVED their gfs
This is going to be hard to hear but you need to wake up to the fact that he is DEFENDING her borderline advances on him. That means he WELCOMES her advances.. and just as bad is that he flat out DENIES he's doing anything wrong and has NO CARE for your feelings-
If he keeps doing something that he knows UPSETS you (it also shows disrespect/ disloyalty) then he doesn't care much. I'm sorry but it's a rule. If you truly love someone you can't bear them being upset- you do what you can to make them happy, not continue do do something that is the CAUSE of their unhappiness!
Your boyfriend can NOT play dumb here. You need to do something drastic because he doesn't show signs of being faithful if he's going to lap up this "outrageous flirting" as an aunt said- DENY he's done anything wrong and IGNORE your feelings.
Make one last attempt to fully explain to him WHY
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2017): The issue here as I see it, that there is this girl flirting with your bf and you dont like it. Your options are either grin and bear it or ask your bf to tell her to stop flirting cos it is bothering you or find another bf who doesnt have other fans. My advice is best to grin and bear it. That is what most of us would do.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2017): If her touching is okay with your boyfriend, she isn't going to stop because you ask her too. Your boyfriend shifted it over to you; because guys are awkward about stopping women from flirting. Especially if he likes it.
You don't want to cause a scene looking like a jealous girlfriend. He is being disrespectful by allowing other women to feel him up or paw him down in-front of you. So what do you do? Stare him down. I mean a very cold stare.
Observe how they act around each-other.
Is he flirting back, responding to the attention? Do they seem to concentrate on each other a lot, gravitate towards each-other upon eye-contact? Pulling-away to the side to talk? Or does she do all the flirting; and he's just letting it happen? While acting as though he doesn't really notice?
To be honest, it's something you take-up with your boyfriend. Make it clear to him how it makes you feel. You have to make it clear to him that you think he's being very disrespectful to let it happen in-front you and everyone. tell him that it embarrasses you; when he's the only boyfriend in the room with a her touching him. Ask if the point is to make you jealous? You don't like it.
Being shy and not being good at communicating with your boyfriend, you've got a problem. If you don't know how to effectively express your feelings, or be assertive enough to let someone know when you're offended. I guess we may be offering you advice you haven't a clue how to execute.
There are too many missing details to determine if you're just being jealous; or this if this is some ongoing thing that happens just about all the time. If this was a couple of occasions; maybe you should just let it go.
If every-time you see this lady she's clinging to your man; gently take his arm and take a step away. If she touches his hair, smooth it out and fix it wherever she touched it. As if she mussed it up. If she really gets into it; raise your eyebrows when she looks your way. Don't smile, or laugh at any of her jokes. Stare her down. Frozen-faced.
If she ignores you, then you should ask; "you do see me standing right here, don't you? Remember me, his girlfriend?" Since he is placing it on you to handle it. It's really his responsibility to keep women off him.
Whatever you do, be a lady. Do it with dignity, and never cause a scene. When a man refuses to acknowledge your presence, while another woman is fondling him; you whisper in his ear very seriously that you've had enough.
Ladies seem to always go to the ladies-room together to freshen-up. If you ever get her to the side; tell her that you feel it is very disrespectful of her to be touching your boyfriend in-front of you and others. You're sorry that she may be having difficulty about her breakup or dating; but this guy is taken. You'd appreciate the same respect from her she would want if you were around her boyfriend.
If this doesn't stop. Dump your boyfriend. If you're not important enough to him to show you respect when he's around other women; you're the one making the mistake by being with him.
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (1 November 2017):
It’s not your job to tell anyone that they can or cannot touch your boyfriend that is his job. You have told him how you feel about and he ignored your concerns because he likes the attention. That is disrespectful to you and inconsiderate in the extreme.
You can tell him again and hope that he listens to you. If he cares about you and your feelings he will stop her outrageous flirting. If he doesn’t, you know where you stand.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (31 October 2017):
 Honestly? Your BF should be the one to tell her to NOT be so tactile.
You can try and tell her but I doubt she would respect it coming from you.
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