A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I have been separated from my daughters father for just under a year, we are still good friends but I think there are still some underlying feelings on his part.Recently I've started seeing someone new, I live in a small town where everyone knows everyone and would like to be able to go out on dates etc without worrying about people running back to my ex and gossiping. Should I give him the heads up that I am seeing someone or wait until it's been a few months? I feel like the decent thing to do would be to let him know but I'm not sure how to go about having the conversation without it seeming as though I'm trying to brag or hurting his feelings. I'm thinking a text or phone call would be more appropriate as it gives him the space to process things and react however he needs to without me being present. Any suggestions on how to go about telling him would be much appreciated!Thanks in advance!
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2020): Separated-husband, or just an ex-boyfriend?
If he was your husband, how long before your divorce is finalized?
If you have a stellar-reputation within your community, and you basically keep a low-profile; people won't have that much to talk about. Most small-towns are quiet and dull. Let them talk.
Are you concerned about your daughter's father, or more about what people think and their gossip?
You don't have to say too much to him at all. He might like to know who's hanging around his kid. Just call, get straight to the point; and say you're dating someone who is "very nice" right-now. You don't need to get too much into it. All he needs to know is that his kid is safe; and the guy wasn't recently released from jail, or has a criminal background. Does he?
If you choose not to say a thing, and the gossip makes its way to him; it's not like you're still together anymore. Small-towns do talk, and they'll get into your business; if you have to make it your business to be seen everywhere. Besides, he might not be comfortable with you dating 5 years from now! Then what?
You can go out in the next town, if you want some privacy. People won't know or care who you're dating; unless you spend most of your time going out of your way to show-off the fact you've got a new man. If it's somebody he knows, or one of his friends; you can expect some drama. You did say it's a small-town.
Leaving him out of the equation, make sure you're the one ready for it; and you've dealt with any baggage, other than what your ex feels about your dating.
Make sure you're cool when the shoe is on the other foot! Things are always fine until it's discovered he found someone pretty, she's sweet, and he's crazy about her. It goes both-ways. If he gives you no baby-daddy drama, he deserves no baby-mama drama. Be a role-model, and set the example.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (7 March 2020):
 You are obviously a caring and empathetic person as you understand this may be difficult for your ex, despite you no longer being together. As you obviously still care for him and would like to maintain a good relationship with him for the sake of your child, and you know him better than any of us do, I would trust your gut instinct on handling this.
In your shoes I would play it down as much as possible. Just tell him that, although it is nothing serious, you would rather he heard it from you than someone else. Be careful not to make it sound like you are asking for his permission, because you most definitely are not.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2020): I'm the original poster - just to clarify we were together for 7 years and engaged :)
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 March 2020):
 Frankly, I don't see what's the problem even if he should know from a third party that you are dating someone.
You call him " my daughter's father ", so I suppose you weren't marrried, he's your baby daddy. And , this is a wild guess, but since you are so young, I guess your relationship can't have been THAT long and terribly serious to earn him any special kid-gloved treatment. Very few years at most.
It's nice that you don't want to brag about your love life, and to rub your ex's nose into it; and you are NOT doing that. But other than that, what you do in your free time and with whom ,should not interest or concern him at all. At least until it does not involve even marginally the daughter that you co-parent ( and who, hopefully, atm has got nothing to do yet with this guy that you just started dating and that you don't know that well yet ).
You and your ex haver been apart for almost one year, and you are 25 or under ; it's implied, it's expected that at some point, and sooner rather than later, you 'd start dating again. You have no obligation to give him any official announcement, and personally I think that right now it would be awkward and sort of tacky. If your ex hears something through the grapevine- so be it . You would not have a conniption if you knew you ex is dating again, would you ? So, if he does have one- too bad, but it is his personal problem. Life goes on, people break up and take up with new partners; it's normal, it happens all the time and it's one of those things that the average adult needs to learn to handle with grace and the sooner the better. Same as you do not make a special effort to flaunt your new conquest in front of your ex - also, you do not have to make a special effort to spare your ex's sensitivities.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (7 March 2020):
 You say you have separated, so were you married or did you "just" split up?
If you are NOT fully divorced I'd finish the divorce before dating. It just seems smarter.
If you were not married, I'd just call him (the ex) and talk to him. Tell him that you wanted it to come from you, and not through gossip. I would also suggest you DO NOT introduce you child to this new guy ANY time soon. I'd say wait a good 9-12 months of dating before including him in your family unit. That way you kind of know if there is a stability to the relationship, so you child won't meet someone YOU might not even become serious with.
Not over text. Have the common courtesy to CALL him. No need to tell him face to face, he is your ex. Even if he is still hoping to reconcile, or whatnot, THAT is on him.
Be gently and vague. It's really none of his business per se. you tell him out of respect for your past relationship and as a courtesy not to hurt him or share details.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (7 March 2020):
 It’s really considerate to give him a heads up, especially since he’s the father of your child.
I wouldn’t text him out of the blue with it; I’d start a conversation first, then gently mention that you’re going to start dating soon.
Reassure him that you won’t be introducing anyone to your daughter until you’ve been officially exclusive with someone for at least 6 months and will let him meet them briefly first, so he knows who will be around his daughter. Say that you would appreciate if this is something you could both agree on and do, (wait at least 6 months and meet each other’s new people before they meet your daughter) so that you both respect each other co-parenting whilst seeing other people.
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