A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyoneThanks in advance for your opinions and advice. My gf and I have been together for around 3 years. She is in her last year at college and I have finished and have a full time job. We don't live together, I have worked hard all my life and now own my own home. She lives in a house with several room mates. This past couple of weeks she has been really sick with a bad cold. She has been staying with me as her flat isn't the nicest place to live, especially when you are sick. I have been going to work but making her food each day before I leave and cooking her meals each night (I usually am the one who does most of this anyway and all of the housework).She was finally feeling better this morning and I was looking forward to being able to go out with her as she has been unwell for about two weeks.She then said that she was going to go back to her house and drink with her room mates. I was not invited. This really upset me as I felt like I had been looking after her and she is pretty moody when sick so I was looking forward to taking her out to dinner or something where we could get out of the house.When I said this, she told me I was controlling and selfish for wanting her to do something with me. She never mentioned that she had plans with them either. When I asked what plans she had she actually told me it was none of my business.I am really hurt and she is refusing to even message me. I feel pretty used right now as she never wants to even go out for a drink with me anymore but parties with her room mates nearly every weekend. I have expressed to her that I would like to go out sometimes as well with her and that it is hard when we only see each other during the week as I am tired.She is just sending me rude messages basically saying she can do what she wants etc.I have told her that she can do what she wants but I feel very uncomfortable when she says its not my business what she does as we are partners.Thoughts on how I can approach this?She wont listen to how I feel without sending me awful messages so I am not sure how to proceed
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male
reader, N91 +, writes (8 March 2020):
 Not sure exactly why you’d be trying to fight to make this one work, she sounds like a bit of a bitch in all honesty.
You’ve looked after her at let her stay at your home for 2 weeks and then she rods you off at the first opportunity? She would be going straight in the bin.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2020): Yes - you're being used.
Even right now you are being used to feed her ego. You beg her for attention whilst she laughs in your face and goes out to have fun with her friends.
She sounds like a child who has alot of growing up to do, especially in the relationship area.
What she is doing isn't love, she wouldn't take pride in making you miserable if she loved you.
Ontop of what everybody else has said, I think i'd be getting a sexual health check just to be sure she hadn't brought any of her 'fun' weekend to you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (8 March 2020):
 Just end it, OP
She IS using you.
How do you process awful messages? By deciding if you WANT a person in your life who would SEND that kind of message to you OR not.
You are her "vacation home" for when she needs a break from her own place and her room mates. And since probably NONE of her room mates would look after her while sick, she came to your place. Even though it could be something that YOU too could catch which wouldn't be great for you, do you even think she thought of that? No, this girls thinks of her self FIRST and foremost.
You want a date night? HOW DARE YOU! that would interrupt her drinking weekends with her room mates!
OP, you are young. And you OBVIOUSLY got your life together and things going for you, EXCEPT? You have picked a girls who doesn't REALLY give two F's about you. It's all about what SHE wants. YOU are too ORBIT her life, not find things that mutually works for the two of you.
Let her go. Find someone who can and will ACTUALLY appreciate you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2020): This is what I'm picking-up, but you're not. She wants to breakup with you; but she wants you to be the one to do it. For all appearances. She gets the sympathy, and you'll get the scorn!
I gather from your sensitivity, kindness, and nurturing-personality; that you're not really her type. You've dated for some-time, you have your own place, you can afford to take her out on dates, and you drive. All this is well and good; but lately, she has just decided she wants to have some fun. You have a job and responsibilities. You can't smoke weed, drink, and hangout all night! You know, like college-kids!
She's a little bored, and she's tired of the relationship. She's not stupid, you do prove yourself to be useful. It feels great to be loved! You're probably handsome, take care of yourself, and you bring order and stability to her life when she needs it. I'd speculate that she has lost romantic-feelings toward you; but she manipulates and exploits your attachment to her. The way you cater to her. You are probably still good in bed, and try very hard to be a great boyfriend.
The truth is, you're both mismatched. You can't or won't see that! You're too young to be that practical or discerning.
She's probably very pretty, energetic, fun to be with, but a little-bit broken; and you like taking care of her. Fixing and protecting her. That's you, but it's not what she looks for in a guy. She wants recklessness, drinking, partying, and foolishness. You can't hide the fact that you also have a wee-bit of a controlling-way about you. You judge her for her impetuous behavior; and that mess she seems only too comfortable to live in. You see her friends as a negative-influence on her behavior. Don't move her in. All her messy friends will follow! Do you like them? Why do I suspect you don't? You called them her roommates. That places them at a distance.
Nice-guys win last, but the fact remains that we win! Girls like the bad-boys. Why? They're sexy, more interesting, they imagine they're tough-guys, real-men; and will make them feel safe. Those guys treat them like yesterday's dog-poop, and they will bring-on the drama! Girls love drama! It's okay, that he treats a girl like that; because he's a rebel, and she understands him. Once he's run her through the wringer, and put some bad-mileage on her emotionally; the insecure hot-mess with trust-issues is ready to be rescued by someone like you! Never be the noble knight who rescues damsels in distress. They'd rather a loser with ugly tattoos, a foul-mouth full of swear-words, and a questionable-past be the guy to do it. She'll change him with the magic of her "love!"
My young friend, you're husband-material. Destined for success, and meant for a higher-calling in the forthcoming future. Educated, self-sustaining, independent, and considerate. Nice to women. That confuses the hell out of modern young-females; because you're destroying all their stereotypes, preconceived-notions about men, and making her look bad! You're too...nice!
When she gets drunk and misbehaves with her friends, you'd be urging her not to drink too much. You'd remind her she just got out of her sick-bed, and should rest. You just only nursed her to back to health, she feels up to drinking already?
She's young, and still in uni. You've become a part of the responsible working-establishment.
You're a dreamboat, by boyfriend-standards. Every girl wants one, and so do gay-guys! Problem is, they don't know what to do with them, when they get one! That's the catch-22! When things are going well, they have to sabotage it. That's because being treated right is scary, confusing, and weird. Before they let you go; there is this sadistic-pleasure some females get out of you sadly clinging to her, while she rejects you. She'll pick fights out of nowhere, provoke your temper, and act stupid. It's all on purpose. There is a plan in the making. Figuring-out how to dump you without a scene, or alerting her other pretty-friends who know how nice you are. All the same, she stills comes-out looking-good, with a prick for a boyfriend! Like the victim of a rotten-boyfriend who left her high and dry. That way, the other chicks stay clear. They're not stupid, they've been watching you. You don't want them, too close to her for comfort. She'll go bat-$h!t crazy on you! Tried to tell other guys I know, didn't listen! Don't date her friends...if you breakup, that is!
By ignoring your calls, it gives everyone this perception you're harassing her, and she's mad at you. You won't leave her alone! I do have to say this. Shame on you, if you make that true! Leave her alone.
As I've mentioned; she's attempting to make you breakup with her, in a roundabout-way. You'd make her look like a venomous-bwitch; if she did it to you. You see, she has to set the stage, just in case one of her calculating-girlfriends, with eyes for you, might even come to your rescue. All comforting and sympathetic towards you. Somehow, you've got to be the cad who dumps her first. She has to shatter your Prince Charming image!
Here's how it might go from there. Once she has sowed her wild oats; or gotten something (or somebody) out of her system. Suddenly she wants to be "friends." If you move-on, or find another romantic-interest faster than she's ready for you to move-on, she'll want you back. Only until she gives you another round of the same thing that you went through before. It's very cliche and predictable; but pretty common in Gen Z; who inherited this practice from your predecessors. The millennials!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2020): When I read this post I couldn't help but smile because I could see my self when I was your age. Actually experiences like this make you more mature and teach you how to hold yourself up with the opposite sex, value youself and have self esteem and confidance in yourself. You can still be a gentleman, generous, courteous, honest and that is actually how you should be but without being a doormat to her. Believe me that is what women like. Someone with dignity and strong individual personality. That is why a lot of younger women find older men more attractive. Cut all contact with this one and look for another gf. There are plenty of nice girls out there.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (7 March 2020):
 For me, this is the most significant part of your post: "She wont listen to how I feel without sending me awful messages".
Your girlfriend only wants to be with you when you are of use to her, e.g. nursing her through illness or during the week when her friends are too busy to socialize with her. You are her "plan B". Now here is a question for YOU: is this all you think you deserve? Or do you, like me, think you deserve a whole lot better?
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