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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Hi.I feel really embarrassed writing this but I feel like I need to vent and maybe get some advice. I used to be involved with this guy. I lost my virginity to him (he doesn't know) and ended up really falling for him. It never turned into a relationship though and eventually it ended and he started seeing someone else.We kept in touch here and there over Facebook and eventually met up. It was supposed to just be a friendly meet up sort of thing but he ended up trying to kiss me. After that I didn't meet up with him again but we still talked online. He eventually married the woman he was seeing last year. Even though it hurt I felt like that would be my chance to move on. However,recently he's been sending me inappropriate messages. Bringing up our sexual history and asking if I wish we still could sleep together. He said he wished we could. I sort of laughed it off and pretended I thought he was joking. He then said he felt like our past meant nothing to me and some other things. I'm extremely upset. Not only because he's married but doing this but the fact that he doesn't seem to think there's a problem with it.Since this has happened I've started obsessing over him again. His wife writes a blog about their life together and has started posting videos of their holidays etc I ended up watching it last night. I felt sick because she was saying how wonderful their life is and how she really wants to be a housewife. I've deleted my account because I can't bear to watch anymore.I feel like all the progress I've made has gone out the window. How do I stop obsessing?
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facebook, lost my virginity, move on, sexual past Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (9 June 2015):
 What you see on the Internet is RARELY the reality.
Luxury vacations are nice, but if you have a cheating lying sack of crap for a husband.... does that even it out?
I have a niece who was at some point homeless, her kids were taken off her (he dad raised them for 3 years), she quit her job and "decided" she had cancer... But her Facebook page? NOT at all a reflection of reality. She posted stuff about her kids (which was actually hearsay from her dad - like the daughter got to be student of the month) she made it out that she felt she had done SUCH a great job as a mom that her daughter got selected to be student of the month - facts or reality was SHE had VERY little contact with her kids for 3 years, she was busy partying it up, smoking weed and trying to find a guy who would "take care" of her financially... Even now her Facebook is PURE fantasy.
My point with that story is... People will post the GOOD things that happen and MAKE them sound JUST a little better than they are. It's and outwards image.
I have met a couple of women who were in pretty abusive relationships, yet ONLINE it seemed like it was HAPPY DAYS 24/7/365 till one of them ended up in the ER with a broken nose and arm and the Police arrested her husband. Most people had NO clue!
So you can look and think OH their life is perfect, that should have been MY life.. but guess what? She is the one holding the turd. HIM. He is no prize. She will find out and either continue to delude herself or she will DUMP his sorry behind for a better man.
STOP looking at their blog etc.. It's not helping you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2015): OP here. Thank you for your replies. It's just hard seeing their perfect life all over the Internet. I know people will say it's not perfect because of what he's been doing but if you saw it you'd think it was pretty perfect. They go on expensive holidays all the time and she's always telling everyone how great it is being married.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (9 June 2015):
Sounds like you are totally OBLIVIOUS as to JUST haw big a bullet you dodged when he moved on!
He sounds like a nasty sleazy scumbag and you need to realize that HE isn't WORTH a minute more of your life!
BLOCK him, delete him, move on.
Now you could send the poor wife all the text and stuff, but it will make YOU look like you are trying to stir up drama. While I feel bad for her having MARRIED this pathetic excuse of a man... I would actually leave it be. Just not deal with HIM or anything connected to him.
Time for a new start.
Spend time with family and friends. Go out and try new things. Move on with your life instead of pining after a man who isn't 1/10 as good as you make him out to be in your imagination. Just because you lost your virginity to him doesn't MAKE him special. He is still trash. Take the trash out and move on.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (9 June 2015):
 Just send the messages to his wife and kick his sorry ass to the curb.
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (9 June 2015):
 How about if you see him for what he is: a crook, double player and a scum. Copy all of his messages and send them to his wife. Then be sure you block him from contacting you and never speak to him. If you wanna be loved, find a guy who will love you back. A married cheater is incapable of love because all he wants you for us to be his sexual repeat girl.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2015): You have the fantasy in your mind of a good connection with this guy, but you haven't really said anything he has done to show that you and him can make that fantasy a reality.I think you're hurting yourself unnecessarily. If things go awry with him again, especially when on the subject of you and him getting back together again, build some backbone and snap out of it. Your obsession is based on your attitude, you need to reassess your position to remain in contact with him. Are you friends because he is a good friend? If so is he being appropriate? (You already said some things he has said were not appropriate.) Are you being appropriate? (why would you let yourself be caught up so emotionally when his i married?I'll be honest here, you don't appear to really want to stop obsessing. You know he will have sex with you but in all honesty that shouldn't matter. At the end of the day you're condoning his (and your) behaviour, this again is the attitude which needs to change.The real issue is your history with your ex. You've indirectly valued this past relationship to be important. It is, in a way, it marks a time of love. But you have failed to transition. Your obsession has been with what has been from the past and quite simply you haven't moved on.
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A
male
reader, Henry1980  +, writes (9 June 2015):
You can stop obsessing by letting him go. That's the first thing to do. He has a wife and he hasn't behaved well to you- afteral he has no claim on your affection- nor to his wife who he has betrayed. I think you should stop seeing him, block them both and concentrate on something else- even something non-romantic. After a couple of months, you could start going to dating sites and behaving like you were single rather than with a connection to anyone else- that way hopefully you'll meet someone who makes your forget this horrible man.
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