A
male
age
30-35,
*ean21
writes:So the problem is I'm trying to change my whole way of life for this woman I'm in love with.She's everything I could ever ask for but she's nothing like my old life. Before I started dating, let's call her X, before I started dating X i was in a lot of Bdsm S and M relationships where I was a dominate controlling sex idol. My word was law and the women I was with trusted in me completely and never talked back and I took great care of them and in return I was showered in adoration. But now I am in a normal relationship with a woman I love. I've put away all my toys and now are bending over backwards to make what we have a permanent thing. But she's not affectionate and she's very independent and emotionally detached. We talk about it and were making progress but I still catch myself slipping back into my old self. What do I do? How do I overcome something so strong as lust to change me into a normal vanilla boyfriend almost fiancé? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Dean21 +, writes (9 May 2015):
Dean21 is verified as being by the original poster of the question I can't explain why I love her. I know I've cared about her more then any other girl I've been with. She doesn't just want me there in that moment but for every moment she wants to grow old with me. She cares about me more then anyone else I've ever known. And she has such a strong handle on her life she helps me be the man I want to end up as. And yes, its difficult, very difficult. I feel like if she wont show affection I have to, just so there will be affection there and I'm noticing I'm slowly starting to look like the clingy lovey dovey submissives I used to take care of... I'm at a lose, I need advice.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (9 May 2015):
 If your girlfriend is not affectionate and emotionally detached, is she even able to enjoy vanilla sex? Seems like she's a challenge to you.
Uh no, for some people BDSM is not self serving. There are women who genuinely enjoys being submissive, not just in the bedroom but want to be taken in hand, for life.
I have to ask, what is it that you love about this woman? I understand that it's hard to find a long term partner who's into BDSM, but she's cold. So having a dominant personality what makes you want to change so much for her?
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A
male
reader, Dean21 +, writes (8 May 2015):
Dean21 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe does know and were working around it its not her cup of tea and I've come to terms with it. I've accepted it I working to control my sexual urges and make our sex life normal and sweet. However the desire is still there. I want to train her into the perfect submissive but I know that that's not her. I dont want to jeopardize our relationship because of my sick obsession. Is it healthy for me to just stop or will doing so ruin my relationship with her in the future?
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (8 May 2015):
 To be honest, I think you need to change your view on what sex is. BDSM is a fetish. Your word wasn't law - you simply learned a set of behaviors in order to get the thrill that this fetish gave you. But like other pleasure-seeking behaviors like drugs, alcohol, food, etc., you need to learn another way to relate to it.
For example, take food. A bulimic or anorexic treats food like a horrible obsession and harmed themselves by withholding or purging. An overeater treats food like medication, eating horrible foods in overqualities for pleasure or to medicate. These are an unhealthy relationship to food, and therapy helps millions return to a healthy regard for food, nutritious fuel in moderation.
In BDSM, your obsession with that made your relationship with sex unhealthy. Even your calling your relationship with your girlfriend "vanilla" shows that you're still not looking at sexuality within a relationship in a healthy way. Sex is one facet of your relationship, and it's one of the deepest ways to communicate with your partner. It's not designed for self-serving experience, especially if it causes uncomfortability in your partner.
Does she know you are into BDSM? If not, you may want to tell her. It's possible that as you get to know each other more, she may be open to exploration, especially if you've gained her trust that sex is an open and mutually beneficial thing between you. It may not work if what you gained from being the dom is knowing that your partner CAN'T say no, and that once the hot oil or the clamps or floggers come out, you're gaining gratification through fear or the other's pain. However, role play is different. Be honest with her. It may take a lot of time. And - WHATEVER YOU DO - don't go behind her back to indulge.
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