A
female
age
30-35,
*izz.butterflies
writes:WHAT CAN I DO BOUT THIS**LONG ONE**?I'm in a long distance relationship with a really nice dude. When we are face to face we get along extremelly well.Now that we're apart from each other we communicate through IM,email,text,calls. A few weeks ago I got upset becuz we followed the same routine online(played yahoo pool etc) and we didnt get to talk much. I initiated the conversation about this problem and he couldnt say much,however we did exchange a few emails and the problem got solved.....until a few days ago.Yesterday,we got online to watch this show 2gether and after it ended we logged off.There was no chemistry or communication.We got online later on at night,and he wouldnt say much,I said " I see u aint in a good mood imma go out for a drink" he replied that he was studying. I got upset about this cause he should of told me he was busy and we could talk another time,i dont like to hang on. Then,he didnt ask who Ima go out with,he just said "Ok hun have fun" I said "thanks love bye"..He acted like everything was normal.I signed off after I said that and he texted my phone saying "Why are u that angry with me tonight?I was hopin 2get a kiss b4 u sign out"(If he thought I was angry why didnt he discuss it with me while I still was online?) I answered "no i just had to go?" and he goes :"my fault then,i miss u wanna hold u tight" I didnt reply.Today,he sent me 3 emails containing videos and pics with "I LOVE U" on it...I was hoping he would talk about last night but he didnt...So today he texted me sayin "Hello Queen B what u up 2 im studyin did u get my emails?" and i answered in a cold manner "Chillin.yeah i did thanks" he goes "YW.Answer when u have time" im like "I got time now if i didnt i wouldnt be answerin ur texts" he says "its a missuderstantent i was talkin about the emails babe answer them when u can xoxo" i just texted back "ok"..You can say I play games and I wont tell him I'm pissed straight away,but like I said I've already done that once and I dont plan on nagging about the same problems again. So I thought I should act cold with him until he tells me he wanna talk to me and ask me seriously whats wrong. I think he understands somethings not right,but prolly is afraid to have a convo.But then again,communication is something we should both fight for.(Like i did the first time)I'm not mad only about his "internet" behavior.I'm going to go see him soon and he lives with his parents which I havent met in person. I only met his bro...who shares his room with my boyfriend.So where am I supposed to stay?His mom invited me to stay over but a) theres no much space b)ill feel uncomfortable c) his parents store is just 2 mins from his house so his parents can walk in the house any time and catch us in the middle of somethin! I am upset that he didnt talk about that at all.Like,since we cant be physically together all the time,he should take care of me and try to find a solution (maybe pay for a hotel together or somethin...I dont expect him 2 pay alone for it)But the thing is,he doesnt make convo....whenever we talked lately,its all about "what did u eat today" or we send videos to each other.We dont have any nice convos like in the past. The question is, how should I handle the situation from now on? Eventually he might REALIZE something is WRONG,but I dont wanna sound needy...I want him to understand that if he doesnt show me he cares or works for this relationship I'ma be done with him.So...any analysis or suggestions?
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female
reader, mizz.butterflies +, writes (19 September 2009):
mizz.butterflies is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks to all of you for the responses.
To Tisha...
I always try to have fun time with him and I dont expect us to have long conversations about our feelings.I do expect us to keep getting to know each other even though we're at distance.
The problem was that we didnt have this for a week so I got pissed.
Well,we talked,we discussed alot of issues and he said he does realize now that he's wrong and that i got a point. He can't wait to see me and we're booking our flights 2moro!
I guess,sometimes we turn something little into something bigger.
But I like doing something about a little problem before it gets too big.
Thanks again!
Love you all and God bless you !
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2009): iv been through this and a 5 year LDR. Whats missing is the "feelings" and more face to face contact. Because of distance, what happens is feelings disapate and you run out of the emotional need to talk about things, so everything feels bland and eventualy fades... meet up more and you will realize that this problem of less talking/communication will be fixed! goodluck
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 September 2009):
 Hi, the guys I've known and observed don't like to play guessing games, especially one that they know they're going to lose either way. He guesses you're angry at him and then he has to figure out how to grovel enough to make you happy. He doesn't guess why you're angry and you continue to give him the silent treatment. It's a lose-lose situation for him.
When I was taking a dog training course with my dog, the instructor pointed out something that is very obvious when you think about it, but it is a mistake most people do with their dogs. Okay, the dog does something bad, he wanders off or chews the leg off your grandmother's heirloom chair. You get upset, you say, 'HERE, Caesar! Come!" When Caesar is very young, he'll trot right over to you--he WANTS to. What do many humans do then? They yell at Caesar or thwap him with a newspaper. So what does Caesar learn? He learns that if human is angry, it's better to stay far far away. If he gets close, he gets thwapped. So the next time you call Caesar, the dog thinks, "uh oh... she's gonna thwap me.... better keep away."
You've set yourself up for him to not want to talk. He gets nothing out of it but grief. I know your loving attention should be enough of a reward, but he has to wade through resentment first, and very few men can muster up a lot of enthusiasm to subject themselves to that kind of treatment.
If you want him to want to spend time with you, you need to be fun to spend time with.
Another thing that women seem to have problems understanding about men, along with the guessing thing, and that is that men prefer to know exactly where they stand with you. If they love you, they WANT you to be happy and will do what they can to make you happy. Within reason. They are not going to turn into something they are not and will never be. He's probably been trying to give you what you want for a while now.
Has it ever occurred to you that HE might want the relationship to be a certain way himself? Perhaps he'd like a nice, easy, fun, relaxed relationship where he doesn't have to talk about his feelings all the time. One where he can have a bad day and not want to talk and not have you take it personally. A relationship where he doesn't have to be "on" if he's not feeling it.
I wouldn't keep him guessing. I would tell him that you don't feel as connected to him. You miss him and want to figure out how to stay emotionally linked. You tell him this in a loving and gentle and supportive way; you don't whine or cry or accuse him of neglecting you.
Ease up on him, try to relax and remember that his idea of an "excellent relationship" is probably different than yours, AND is just as valid. Compromise, is what I'm saying.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2009): Your boyfriend thinks you are a chatterbox, and he isn't focused on the relationship. He seems to have other priorities, such as studying. He's not really listening to you, but I don't think a lot of men his age do.
I have read that men require 2 10-min. conversations a week and women require 3 20-minute conversations. There is a vast distance there.
I have this image of his sitting in a chair, your walking around him and back and forth. His head is ducked into a book studying. You want his time and aren't willing to give him much space to do other things he has to in his life.
Quit asking him questions. Listen more than buggn him.
You may be expecting too much at this point. Sounds like you must have all the attention.
This relationship could work out if you would back off a bit.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2009): LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS DO NOT WORK
TIME TO LET GO
OR UPROOT YOUR LIFE AND MOVE TO WHERE ONE OF YOU LIVES
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A
female
reader, califnan +, writes (18 September 2009):
 Women can be a lot more romantic and emotional than men.. Also with studying, he is probably preocupied and may feel additional responsibility at this time.. Seems like the only way a man and a woman can come close to fulfillment together with one another - would be in marriage. ..
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (18 September 2009):
 I know this seems a bit harsh.
You need face time. Lots of it. Playing on line is not the same thing as spending quality time together in a real environment, not the cyber-world.
Love in the internet age is not the same thing as two human beings connecting the old fashioned way.
He's run out of things to say because you're where you're at and he's where he's at. I hate to say this but boredom sets in faster when your cloistered with a screen as opposed to cuddling on the sofa and simply gazing at each other.
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A
female
reader, mizz.butterflies +, writes (18 September 2009):
mizz.butterflies is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhat I'd want...
I would want us to talk more online,and have a deeper connection (just like we used to have in real life).. Even one hous is good. I mean if I dont talk to my boyfriend for an hour everyday then how is this supposed to work?
Like I said,I already talked to him about this once and for a few weeks things were ok but now things are getting worse.
I mean I just feel like I am not connected to him anymore.
I dont wanna break up cause of this because in person our relationship is very good.
He has told me he's proud of having a girl like me and he wanna do everything to make me happy. I do believe he means all that,its just that its like he thinks we live in a fairytale world. His ex girlfriend and him had nothing in common,they were at distance too,they couldnt meet often,and he told me he regretted being with her...and they were together for 3 years! So its like his relationship with him is better than his previous one,so in his eyes,its already too good to be true so its like he dont need to try more...(plus his ex didnt have the internet) ...But I am used to having an excellent relationship so I am not satisfied with the way things are....
Ugh,guys...?
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