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How do I regain my dignity back after lashing out at my cheating ex and friend?

Tagged as: Cheating, Dating, Friends, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (31 July 2015) 12 Answers - (Newest, 2 August 2015)
A female United Kingdom age 41-50, anonymous writes:


I was on before about finding out about my ex and my friend having an affair. For months I acted normal and said nothing as I had no real proof - just a gut feeling.

I was going to just cut them out of my life and move on - until I discovered that actually - the affair WAS true after all - So since discovering they have been lying to me all this time - I flipped the other day and sent a message to my ex divulging some information about her, that he wouldn't want to hear. I won't go into detail as it's too complicated - but to cut a long story short - I have lost my cool, been quite nasty and now look like the bitter ex that they probably think I was anyway.

So on one hand I feel they treated me like crap - so they deserve the bitchy note - and on the other hand I think I have just made the situation even worse than it was.

I know it's a woman scorned and all that - but I just felt I couldn't keep quiet any longer. At the end of the day - all trust is gone and I probably will never speak to either of them anymore - but how do I regain a bit of dignity again?

View related questions: move on, affair, move on, my ex

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2015):

you got them to admit the truth? Congratulations, you have achieved a lot in deed and you have cut the bonds that held you back? Thats wonderful, you probably will get a much better relationship with your new guy when you meet each other ...

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2015):

I dont think you need dignity..i think you already have it..if you cant drop a spite bomb when your friend and boyfriend have been cheating behind your back, then when can you. Neither of them deserve your loyalty and if you were just venting or telling a few home what? As for what tbey think of you, its hardly relevant is it. They both held you back from moving on, byconsistently lying and weaving a little tangled web for you which is not a nice thing to do.So now youve said your piece you canmove on as you really need to, with your dignity intact and your head held high, eyes wide open..

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A female reader, Justneed2know  United States +, writes (2 August 2015):

Justneed2know  agony auntFirst off I'd like to say good for u, for citing them off. I know it must hurt but in the long run it was better that u cut them loose. They both were fake so u didn't need either one of them. Just stay away from both of them, like if they didn't exist anymore. Things happen in life for a reason, sometimes good, sometimes bad, but we have to learn how to deal with them the best we can.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2015):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

OP here. Thanks guys for all your answers! They were fair & balanced & not one of you thought I was mad which I'm sure the couple involved will probably be thinking now!

Yes BE125 - I agree exactly - it was a build up of emotions that had been festering for 6-8 months where I had to button my lip as nothing had been proven.

I'm fairly confident this will be the end now. I have no more to do with them now, nor do I want any more to do with them. And yes - I know they've had a few fallouts along the way already so maybe it won't last after all.

Cheers guys & girls x

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A male reader, BE125 United States + , writes (1 August 2015):

Unfortunately infidelity is so common today, and as someone who watched it happen with my own father and to see my mother victimized is a very tough thing. Anger in a case like this is justified. Whatever you said, at the time you felt it had to be said, and feelings have to be shared, otherwise it's winds up being like a log jam of emotions built up inside of you. The emotions are going to come out somewhere at some point. If everything you said was true, then I have no reason to think you lost your dignity. You vented because you were hurt by 2 people you cared about only to find out they were not the people you thought they were, and that's a tough pill to swallow for the best of us, and I don't think anyone can go through this situation without venting at some point. I think what you do from here is what I've tried to do, be the bigger person from now on and do not allow the actions of someone else to dictate your freedom to be joyful. As I tell most people, if you are a Catholic, go to confession if you feel you have done wrong. The relief that sacrament provides is beyond measure. If you're not a Catholic, maybe consider doing some volunteer work, because the only way to overcome the evil acts of someone else is to combat them by doing good. Doing good will conquer anything you struggle with.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (1 August 2015):

You regain your dignity by cutting the both of them entirely out of your life, and moving on.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (1 August 2015):

It's normal to "want" to lash out at those who have betrayed us. Considering there is no legal defense for deliberate and malicious character assassination; you might want to watch your step when it comes to possible defamation of of character.

People will do some very drastic things; and that usually

drags the law into their already screwed-up lives.

You are acting out of profound grief and frustration. It's one thing to feel these emotions; an entirely different ball game when you act them out. Show some restraint and maintain your dignity.

Unfortunately, any claim of the typical frustrations of a cheated lover is over-shadowed by more deliberate emotions such as malice and premeditated assault on another person's character.

It somewhat defines you as a person, depending on how far you'd go. You get where I'm driving at?

You won't go but so far; unless you have it in you.

One reader said she do worse. Then she'd probably end-up in jail, or someone might give her a higher dose of her own medicine. That's the danger behind resorting to treachery and violence when people hurt us. A judge isn't going to listen to any excuses for breaking the law, and reeking havoc on another person's character; because you're jealous. The victim could wind up laughing all the way to the bank.

If you allow yourself to lose control, there is no telling what you might be capable of. The problem is, it won't change anything, but your answer on a job application as to whether you've ever been charged with a criminal act. So careful what you say and how you deliver bad news or personal/private information about other people; out of anger and contempt.

Am I getting the point across effectively?

I know exactly how you feel. You'd like to do a lot of dirty mean things to get back at them; but they take joy in your pain, sweetheart. Please get it under control or you'll regret it. You might think it to be a small thing, but people know how to blow things out of proportion; so what you thought wasn't that big of a deal, can end-up your day in court.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2015):

Ow mate! Listen, we've all been there- who cares! Life goes on hun.... So you lost your cool, so you wrote some bitchy stuff.....hey ho! You are hurt and angry- but please more leave it! Let them wallow in whatever they make of it. Couple of months down the line this will all feel a lot less intense. Trust me in the leave it part now!?? x

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (31 July 2015):

Honeypie agony auntBy accepting that YOU are not perfect either?

What they did was despicable and low - but revenge? it's usually born out of pettiness and anger. The saying Revenge is best served cold... I think it means that you WAIT to cool off, to detach yourself and THEN the revenge is... YOU got over them, over what they did and you have NOT made them determine your future, YOU will do that on your own.

Let it go. (what you did) and LET IT GO what they did. THEY chose to be cheaters and a pathetic friend and you know what? they made their bed and have to lie in it. YOU think those two rode off into the sunset happily? Hardly! They know they can't trust each other. HE knows she is a good liar, SHE knows he isn't a faithful guy.

CUT all contact. WIPE your hands of them both.

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A female reader, Jaeger12 United States +, writes (31 July 2015):

I don't blame you.

Personally, I would have done a lot worse!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2015):

Yes - thanks Tisha - no worries - there won't be any chance of seeing or speaking to them again now - so I think it's safe enough now!

OP x

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States + , writes (31 July 2015):

Tisha-1 agony auntDon't contact them again? If they do contact you, just say you were not happy with the situation and in a weak moment, you made that known in a way you now regret.

If anyone else asks you about it, say the same thing. Then stop talking about them, or the situation and don't look back.

I'm sure you can manage that, right?

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