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How can I tell online date not to be so clingy

Tagged as: Online dating, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (31 July 2015) 4 Answers - (Newest, 1 August 2015)
A female United Kingdom age 36-40, anonymous writes:

hi ,im planning on meeting my online date this weekend we get on and everything has been going good , the only thing thats 'doing my head in' is he messages me to say morning and then couple of messages through the day and a chat at night then its always a goodnight message . i feel hes clingy. at the beginning i told him i didnt like clingy people always finding the need or an excuse to message im happy to go a day or 2 not texting thats how i am , its bugging me because we havent even met and hes acting like we are already a couple how can i let him know nicely i dont want him constantly messaging me , i had an ex who constantly stalked me it was 10 texts a day asking how i was and what i was doing (he wouldnt listen to what id said at the beginning of the relationship) and he pushed me to end it because it got too much i felt suffocated. i dont want a repeat with another person , im not someone who needs to be in constant contact in a relationship to the point it makes me want to avoid replying , even if i say im busy i know ill get a text again at some point , i just dont know how to word it nicely apart from being direct and straight to the point but i feel he will take this as im having a go at him . thanks

View related questions: stalking, text

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2015):

im the op, wise owl i only used my ex as an example to what i had put up with before and how its happening again with someone new. this ex i was talking about is from 10 yrs ago im certainly not dwelling on him i have had relationships since him . as for not being mature enough im 38 not 18 and have had adult relationships before . i only pointed out similarities to an ex and this new guy. as for getting guts its not that easy when your shy, i had already told this guy at the beginning i dont need constant 24/7 contact im happy to not hear from him for a couple of days but he seems to always want to contact me over the slightest thing . yes hes keen but being too keen and in someones face will push me away, it having to repeat myself to him but i want to do it in a nice way not for it to come across nasty or in his face .

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (1 August 2015):

First of all, get your ex out of your head. Deal with everyone else individually, and based on what they do; not what your ex did. Everyone freaked out over an ex doesn't have post traumatic stress. Those that do, shouldn't date until they've had professional counseling and therapy to prepare for future relationships; and dealing with day to day challenges.

If you haven't gotten over what your ex did to you; maybe you aren't ready to be dating anyone else. Giving him benefit of the doubt, he assumes that is relaying the message to you he's interested. Many women expect it,and he may be conditioned to do so. So re-program his behavior with being honest about how you feel about it.

Human beings tend to do similar things. If you get flashbacks from a stalker sending you messages; how about just getting the guts to just speak-up and say you may not respond to too many messages. Then don't.

Don't start off a relationship feeling intimidated, or freaked out about someone who isn't even in your life anymore. You're wrong on both counts. If you're too shy to set boundaries, you're not mature or healthy enough to date. Dating requires setting boundaries for your own safety and respect.

If you're still somewhat affected by the stalking and behavior of a past relationship; make sure you're ready to get emotionally involved in another. After all, you're trying to make a romantic-connection with a total stranger!

You won't hurt his feelings by being honest, and setting your boundaries. Which you have every right to do. If he doesn't respect your boundaries. That's a red-flag. You should only have to ask an unfamiliar guy not to do something ONCE!!!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2015):

im the op , yes thanks for that it is more of the 2nd set of convo u listed , im usually a quiet person but if i feel i need to speak up i will. seeing it laid out like that has made me think i will deffo explain how i like things at the beginning of the date and not drag it out.

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States + , writes (31 July 2015):

Tisha-1 agony auntIf you find 10 texts a day clingy then be clear about that. I don't think that's clingy, personally, I think that's a normal level of conversation. But then that's me. You may only want 4 texts per day.

Do you speak on the phone or Skype or use other messaging methods?

For me, there's a big difference in these sets of 10 texts (as examples, purely fictional):

Set one:

He: Good morning!

She: Good morning back to you!

He: It looks like a great day here and I'm going to do xyz. Do you have any fun plans for the day?

She: I have to do abc then will relax.

He: Sounds good. I liked your lmnop post on qrstu.

She: Thank you, I felt like sharing that!

He: Okay, I've done my xy and still waiting for z. How has your a and b gone?

She: Fine, I'm dreading c a bit though.

He: I know how you feel, I used to hate c too. But now instead of that, I'm into def.

She: Good to hear.

He: Well, Now all done with my day, fancy a chat?

She: I'm still dealing with the aftermath of c. Can we chat later?

He: Fine.

He: Hey, how are you doing? Did you manage to finish c?

She: not yet

He: Well, I hope you manage! I would love to hear your voice!

He: I guess it's late now, I'll check in tomorrow, looking forward to seeing you!

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Set two:

He: Good morning! How did you sleep? Did you watch that show we discussed?

She: Good morning, fine, no, didn't get to it.

He: So what are you doing today, seeing anyone interesting?

She: Just going to work and having lunch with a friend.

He: "A friend"? Is it a male or a female? Anyone I should be worried about? I don't want to lose you before we've met!

She: Just a friend from work, no one really special.

He: So it's a he then, is he an ex or something? Maybe he knows your ex? Is he handsome? Should I start getting really jealous?

She: um, no, it's a friend who is having a tough time at work, she's thinking about leaving.

He: So why didn't you say that at first? You got me all worried that you had another guy lined up. Why not just be honest?

She: Look, I'm at work and shouldn't really be texting you now, can we discuss later please

He: Okay, fine, now you're avoiding me, what else is going on, now I really am worried

She: No reason to worry, remember that I'm at work

He: I can't believe you are avoiding discussing this and I feel very sad about this

[You get the idea]

So, how to deal with this? Be clear about your comfort level with texting and how many texts you like. You told him once. You will have to explain it. Spell it out. If he thinks you're having a go at him then that's his problem, not yours.

I would be very clear and upfront about when you are able and willing to message with him and how many messages you like per day.

If you are a shy person, an introvert or just someone who doesn't enjoy that much social contact, spell it out. You may find some men won't stick around but that just means they aren't the ones for you.

Hope this helps. Good luck.

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